Focus on Your Dream and Flourish

What are your dreams? How often do you imagine what you most want? What do you want beneath that want? Have you ever considered what your soul most desires, what the deepest part of you longs for?

I have. There are times I get a clear sense of it and I am soaring. Then a pile of stressful thinking gathers in my mind and I become mired. Suddenly, my focus is on the mire rather than on the dream. Everything becomes about the mire. How can I get rid of it? How can I change it? What if it never goes away? It’s so boggy! I’m overwhelmed! I’m stuck here!

The mire takes on a life of its own. It can be rich, complex, and compelling. I could spend days or even years there! But my dream is nowhere to be found. I’ve lost sight of it. I’m afraid it no longer exists. Life becomes about the mire instead of the dream.

We often spend countless hours, money, and effort working through the mire but relatively little on our dreams. What would life be like for you if you brought your attention back to your dream? Your dream will inspire you. It will give you energy and passion. Martin Luther King didn’t dwell on the mire, he dwelled on the dream and invited us to do the same.

Yes, mire is a reality. Stressful thinking is a reality but we can move through it, or, better yet, let it move through us. We could take our focus off the mire and put it back on our dream. We could keep our dream right before us. It will guide us out of the mire. Dreams have a way of doing that.

When I dwell on the mire, I find that I am drained of energy and motivation. I become fearful and overwhelmed. I begin to feel hopeless. When I turn my attention back to my dream, I find courage once again. I find passion once again. I can see that my dreams are bigger than my fears, hurts, or disappointments and I am able to take the next step toward them.

What is your dream? Take time to discover it. Feel it. Let it live you. It will. It will give you the courage and peace to move through the mire. Spend your time and energy on your dream rather than on the mire and watch your life flourish.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt

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What to Do When You Can't Find Your Way

What do you do when you’ve lost your bearings? When life isn’t going along as you planned? When stress seems to overtake you? What do you do when you are whirlingly worried? When you can’t find your way forward?

I understand the angst, fear, and hopelessness. I understand wanting to run away. But to where and how can we possibly find our way when we are in a turmoil state of mind?

Imagine a pond that has become turbulent and cloudy. You fear that you have lost something in it. You are walking around in the pond, searching for what you've lost. The more you disturb the water, the less likely you are to find it.

I invite you to sit on the bank. Sit and wait. Wait for the turbulence to subside. It will. Wait for the debris to settle. It will. The pond will clear and become peaceful again. It is then that you will see what you're looking for, what has been there all along.

Too often, when we become stirred up, we continue the stirring, innocently, and we wonder why we can’t see clearly. Sometimes, all that’s needed is to stop and wait. It may take only a moment or it may take a month or more but it will clear.

When we are in the throes of the turbulence, we can forget this simple message. We can forget that it will clear once again. That's OK, it will clear despite our forgetting.

I'm grateful today for this reminder: “If you let cloudy water settle, it will become clear. If you let your upset mind settle, your course will also become clear.” Buddha

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The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We were walking by our favorite pond that features many wonderful birds when we noticed one of the two purple gallinules (one of our favorites!) was limping and the other one was nowhere in sight. It appeared that the limping bird had broken her leg and the other one must have been taken by a predator. We were very upset! The worst part of it was thinking that the injured one was left all alone and couldn’t possibly make it.

The next day, we visited again and neither bird could be found. Both were now dead. Most certainly. We felt sad but relieved that they were no longer suffering. The following day, we found one of them! No limp! Perfectly fine! We felt happy.

Do you see how it works? We created a story about the birds. We felt bad with our first story, sad and relieved with our second story, and happy with our third story. We’ll feel bad or happy with our next story. The situation itself never changed! The situation simply is what it is. What changed was our story about the situation.

This is how we walk through the world. We are constantly experiencing situations, circumstances, and life through our thinking. Most of us are constantly spinning stories about what is happening around us. Depending on the story we create, we will feel happy or sad or any number of other emotions. Do you see this at work in your own life?

I’ve been waiting for some news recently. It’s news that will have a big impact on me no matter what turn it takes. Each day, I spin a different story about it. Each day I experience different emotions depending upon the story I spin. Some days, I feel relief when I imagine nothing comes of it. Other days, I feel relief when I imagine something does come of it. The scenarios I create in my mind are made up and yet I experience them in the moment as if they are real. The situation isn't changing but my stories about the situation are.

This is how our psychological system works. We create our lives via thought and consciousness. You could think of thoughts like the painter’s palette and consciousness as the painter. The painter has an array of colors available to her. She chooses which she wants to create with and she leaves the others on the palette. She creates with the colors she chooses, creating form from the formless colors. Thoughts are similar. They are energy moving through us but once we start painting with them, whether they are stressful or peaceful, we create our unique experiences, we create our lives. That’s why you and I and every other person can react or respond to the same situation differently. We are painting with different colors.

If we don’t understand this, then we are at the mercy of the stories we spin. If we have some understanding of this, then we can wake up to what is happening. We can remind ourselves that we are spinning this or that particular story. We can bring ourselves back to the present moment.  When we get caught up in the past or future, we can obscure our wisdom and become confused about how to handle what's before us. Waking up to the stories we are spinning and returning to the present moment brings us back to clarity and wellbeing.

Notice the stories that you are spinning today. What do you see? Just noticing can make a difference in returning to your clarity and wellbeing.

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How to Deal with Stressful Thoughts

Nature inspires me. I can see how Life is living all of it, including you and me. I don’t always trust Life. I can worry. I can get caught up in thought storms, believing that the sun of my wellbeing will never rise again, believing that the turbulent waves of my stressful thoughts and emotions are permanent.

I forget the true nature of the ocean. It is constant, still in its vast depths, and unmoved by surface waves. I forget that the sun never sets, the earth simply turns. Our true nature is the same. Our essence is whole, good, and constant. The waves of life crash on the surface and have no impact upon our essence. Our wellbeing may be obscured but the light is always there.

I caught myself right before turning from the sun of my wellbeing the other day. I was happily basking in the joy of the day when I received a text message. Stressful thinking began moving through me immediately. Interestingly, I could see it for what it was. It’s unusual for me to catch it so quickly. More often, I find myself well into stressful thinking before I see it for what it is.

On this occasion, however, I watched the stressful thoughts move in and try to convince me to take them seriously. They were quite compelling! They were telling me why I should be upset, take it personally, and get angry. But I wasn’t! I could see so clearly that I wasn’t upset or angry. The stressful thoughts kept coming at me, presenting persuasive evidence. I laughed!

The stressful thoughts began to ease and move through me. Then they took another go at me and another. I found myself considering buying into them. After all, I had a right to be upset! I could feel myself beginning to spin a story, all from a simple text message. My stories can be quite compelling and dramatic. I can find all sorts of evidence to back them up. Can't you?

In this instance, I didn’t take the stressful thoughts personally and they moved through fairly quickly. That’s how it works. When we don’t take the continuous stream of thoughts personally and seriously, they are able to move through us, without the need to fight, change, or resist them. They will move. If not today, another day. That’s what thoughts do.

I could see it so clearly. I could see how thoughts can trick us into buying into them. Yet, that is the beauty of this human system. We create our experiences, our lives, through our thinking. It is powerful! We are boundlessly creative! “The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.” John Milton

Thoughts move through us continuously. Some we take seriously and some we don’t. Once we see how it works, we can wake up to it, even in the middle of a story we’ve spun.

If you can't see how it works in this moment, that's OK. I don't know of anyone who can see it all the time and many don't see it all. I’m in the throes of a stressful story right now. In this case, I didn’t see it coming and now I’m living it, even though I know it’s just a story (such a relief!). I keep the story alive by reliving the past and worrying about the future. Sometimes I get caught up despite having some understanding of how our psychological functioning works.

Sadhguru said, “You cannot suffer the past or the future because they do not exist. What you are suffering is your memory and imagination.” Yes, I’m caught up in the turbulent, surface waves of my imagination for the moment. Even though I didn’t catch myself before spinning such a compelling story that feels oh-so-real, I know it's a story. It's like a truly good film. I’m totally engrossed in it. I do know, like all films, that it will end even if I can't wake up to it right now.

Your essence is untouchable, whole, and good despite what terrible storm may be raging. It will pass and you will fly once again. As much as possible, come back to the present moment for that is where you can meet yourself and see, once again, the sun of your wellbeing. It always has been and always will be shining.

I always welcome and appreciate your comments. The comment box is below.

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Schedule a Taster Session to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's commitment is to help her clients overcome self-doubt and anxiety and return to confidence and peace in their everyday lives.

Kindness Dissolves Walls

We never know what’s going on for another person. We don’t know what they may be going through, where their life path has taken them, who or what has influenced them, or why they believe as they do. Really, it’s none of our business.

Our business is to love. When there are misunderstandings, we could take a breath and give each other the benefit of the doubt. After all, it isn’t personal. It never is. We are all doing the best that we can. 

We could open our hearts to the other. The truth is, we have more in common than not. I’m certain of it. Let’s find the place of common ground. I promise you, it is there. It is not so far away as it may seem and kindness may be our best way to get there.

Yogananda says, “Kindness is the light that dissolves all walls between souls, families, and nations.” I believe it. I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it.

We are quick to judge. I’m guilty as charged. It never feels good to me to judge. I feel bad even while feeling justified and sanctimonious, never good. Have you noticed that?

R.J. Palacio says, “When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind.” Yes, I’ve experimented with this and I never regret being kind rather than right, though my ego may take a hit.

Publilius Syrus says, “You can accomplish by kindness what you cannot by force.” Gandhi is an example of this. Jesus, too. There are others and I aspire to live my life this way though I have a long way to go.

I become disheartened when I see all the unkindness in the world, then I turn my gaze inward and see that it begins with me. If I wish to change the world, then I must start right here, with me and with those around me. As I learn to be kind to myself, my circle of kindness-influence begins to expand and expand and expand again.

We could experiment with this notion and see what happens. I do know that when I’ve chosen kindness rather than being right, over-reacting, judging, avoiding, or shutting down, I never regret it. And, sometimes, miracles occur.

“How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it!” George Elliston

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What to Do When Feeling Down

Are you feeling uninspired today? Does it seem that you are out of the flow? Are you feeling a bit down? I can relate. I’ve been living with a socked in psychological storm for the past few days. When I’m caught up in the storm, I begin to wonder if the sun will ever appear again. I find myself taking everything more seriously and personally. My inspiration dwindles. My resourcefulness appears unreachable. I forget the blue sky of my wellbeing. 

Can you relate? Do you notice that your focus narrows and negativity increases during those times? I find that I tend to be hyper-analytical, sensitive, and judgmental when I buy into the storm. How is it for you?

During those times, I am anywhere but the present moment. The storm has nothing whatsoever to do with this moment. In fact, when I bring myself back to right here, right now, I can’t find a thing wrong. There is no problem here.

The problem arises when I start spinning stories in my head. I jump aboard thoughts about the past and future. I tell myself that my past mistakes will surely be relived again and again. I tell myself that I’m not prepared for the future and never will be. I live inside my imagination about past and future. Neither is true but I experience it as if it were.

What are we to do when we are caught in a psychological storm? Amit Ray, an Indian author, says, “If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” When I sit still and bring my attention back to my breath, I catch glimpses of what Thich Nhat Hanh sees: “The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.” 

My friend and colleague, Debbie Trent, who is a psychotherapist, recommends, “Get out and do something you love and know it will change when its ready.” I think she was pointing in the same direction as Thich Nhat Hanh. There is beauty and goodness everywhere but when we are caught in the storm, our negativity bias often kicks in which can veil the positive.

You and I could bring ourselves back to the present moment rather than living in the feeling of our imagined past and future. We could remind ourselves that this storm cloud will move along in time. We could stop fighting it as it is not a problem in the first place. We could relax a bit knowing that the blue sky of our wellbeing remains despite the storm.

No techniques, effort, or struggle are needed. Analysis and judgment are unnecessary. We don’t have to take the storm clouds personally or seriously. They’ve been here before. They will be here again. They will pass. They tell us nothing about who we truly are.

If we could pull out a bit and widen our perspective, we would see that the storm clouds always reside in the vastness of the sky. Our psychological storm clouds are the same. They reside in the vastness of our innate wellbeing. This is true whether or not we feel it in the moment. 

“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well. For there is a Force of love moving through the Universe that holds us fast and will never let us go.”
— St. Julian of Norwich (1342-1416)

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The Storm Will Pass, Live it Once

Rain dances on palm trees and puppies press against me. Wind blows storm clouds across ocean and land. A welcome reprieve from the heat. Rain drenches dry ground. Earth drinks in much needed moisture. Thunder claps. Puppy trembles. I soothe her. The storm will pass. It always does. Even now I see patches of blue sky.

Weather changes quickly at the ocean, often offering little warning. Storm clouds are much like psychological storms. Emotions arise suddenly and, too often, we are blindsided. We forget the blue sky of our true essence. Like the puppy trembling beside me, we worry that the storm will never end. We worry that we are in danger. We live the fear of our imagined future. We live it again and again. The puppy fears that the thunder will harm her. Maybe it will, maybe it won't but she is living as if it’s happening now. She’s living the imagined harm moment by moment, experiencing it repeatedly. All the while, she is safe and unharmed.

We are much the same, aren’t we? We fear an imagined future and we live it repeatedly as if it were true right now. We worry about an upcoming meeting or trip. We imagine conversations in our head. We imagine worse case scenarios. We imagine the inconvenience, the rejection, the failure, the stress, the exhaustion. We imagine it all and we feel it all, even when it isn’t actually happening.

My question to you is this, what would life be like if you lived it all only once. Just once. If you are dreading an upcoming meeting, what would it be like for you to drop your story about it and live the meeting once? What would it be like for you if you stopped imagining the upcoming conversation in your head and simply lived that conversation once?

Do you see what I mean? I have no idea how the conversation, trip, or situation will go. It may go perfectly or it may be a disaster but we only have to live it once, in the moment.

Here's what I’ve discovered: when I stop imagining how the trip, conversation, or situation might be, I’m able to face the situation with more clarity, resources, and energy than when I’ve worried myself to death about it. It usually turns out much differently than I had imagined and if it doesn’t, I only have to live it once.

This has been a game changer for me in many ways, from simple situations to more difficult situations. I remember when my dad got sick with cancer. I was worried how it would be, if I could handle it, and how awful things could get, especially since we’d never been close. It turns out that those two years were healing years for us. Against all odds, years of anger and disappointment dissipated and a tender love filled the void. It could have been just the opposite but why live it more than once?

I used to believe that if I worried about the future, I might be more prepared for it. I find the opposite to be true. When I worry, I become stressed, unclear, and less resourceful. I’m less prepared and less capable.

You see, the storm always passes. Let’s live the storm only once knowing the clear blue sky of our wellbeing always remains.

I always welcome and appreciate your comments. You can find the comment box below.

Schedule a Taster Session to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's commitment is to help her clients overcome self-doubt and anxiety and return to confidence and peace in their everyday lives.

Misunderstandings in Relationships

It happens to all of us at one time or another. There is a misunderstanding. Feelings are hurt. Someone is offended. Defensiveness ensues. Tension is in the air. We may wonder what in the world happened.

It happened to me last week. I asked a question that was misunderstood. Someone felt hurt and angry. I, in turn, felt terribly defensive.

I wondered why it bothered me so much. It was all an innocent misunderstanding and yet I went down the rabbit hole of stressful, fearful thinking.

I realized that my ego took a hit, or so I told myself. I had to admit to myself that I have this carefully crafted persona that I desperately want to protect. I want people to see me in a certain way. I want to be seen as kind and good. My reaction only proved how very attached I am to the story that I must control what others think of me. No wonder I got so stressed. I’m attached to an impossible story.

I felt terribly helpless and powerless when my attempts to explain myself seemed to be disregarded. Maybe they were disregarded, maybe they weren’t. Maybe I just created a whole drama in my mind. I’m good at that.

I can look back on my life and see countless times when I created drama in my mind. I bought into those dramas hook, line, and sinker. They seemed so real to me. I suffered immensely. Looking back, I can see that they weren’t real. The drama was created when I bought into my stressful, fearful thinking.

We create our experiences via our thinking. I can see it so clearly now. Something happens, I create a story about it, and the story becomes my felt reality. It often has little to do with what’s actually happening. Pema Chodron says, “It’s not life that causes suffering, it’s our story about life—our interpretation—that causes so much distress.”

Why do I have this attachment to people seeing me as kind and good? I suppose I worry that I’ll be unloved and rejected if they don't. I forget that those are simply fear-thoughts that I have jumped aboard. They are old, baseless fears. The truth is, I have been unkind. I have lacked integrity. I have been unfair. There have been many folks who have loved and accepted me during those times despite it all.

Pema goes on to say, “We are all a mixture of aggression and loving-kindness, hard-heartedness and tender open-heartedness, small-mindedness and forgiving open mind. We are not a fixed, predictable, static identity that anyone can point to and say, ‘You are always like this. You are always the same. Life’s energy is never static. It is as shifting, fluid, changing as the weather. Sometimes we like how we’re feeling, sometimes we don’t. Then we like it again. Then we don’t. Happy and sad, comfortable and uncomfortable alternate continually. This is how it is for everyone.”

I feel a release and softening as I read Pema’s words. Thoughts and feelings come and go. Being human means not having a static identity. I am human. Misunderstandings are human. They don’t have to be a big deal. I don’t have to take it all so very personally and seriously. Freedom is only a thought away.

When we understand that we create our lives via our thinking and we each have different thoughts thus different reactions and realities, we can feel a sense of freedom and relief. We can find compassion for others and ourselves more easily. We no longer have to feel the victim, analyze others or ourselves to death, or try to explain ourselves over and over again. We can relax a bit and take it all less personally and less seriously. As we do, we become clearer, more grounded, and capable of responding in a kind and authentic way.

Don Miguel Ruiz says, "Don't Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.”

We don’t have to be afraid of our human experience, or others' experience. We can let the stressful fear-thoughts move along. We can return to the clear sky of our true essence which can never be harmed.

There is no drama here, only the drama in my own mind. What a relief.

I always welcome and appreciate your comments. You can find the comment box below.

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Why Do I feel Irritable and What Can I Do About It?

I awoke in an irritable mood this morning. My little toe hurt. A mosquito bit me between two other toes and it burned all night. My hip hurt. I was tired. It was my day to run and workout. I was worried about hurting my toe further. I didn’t want anything getting in the way of my hard-won workout groove.

I dragged my butt out and hit the trails. Pedro was being ultra slow with all his sniffing. I was being cautious with my toe. Something was in my shoe. I noticed my furrowed brow. I became curious.

Did I really wake up irritable? What is irritability? Can I parse out what’s happening here? Becoming more curious, I followed the irritation. I could see that I had certain sensations: itchy, burning, pressure. I could see that my energy was on the low end. Sensations and low energy. Is that irritability?

I could also see that it was a beautiful morning. Birdsong filled the forest. A lovely breeze played over the trees. I could smell a hint of salt in the air. Frogs ribbited. Turtles sunned. I was walking with my precious boy dog and my love but my attention was elsewhere.

It occurred to me that the irritation was nothing more than focused thoughts and the meaning I gave to the sensations and energy level. The sensations and energy were not a problem. They were neutral. They only seemed to be a problem when I attached a bunch of stressful thinking to them. “Here I’ve worked so hard to get in a good exercise pattern and my little toe is going to stop me.” “Why does something always happen to get in the way of my exercising!” “What’s wrong with me that I’m so irritable?” “My whole day will be ruined!” "Waaahh!" You could call that exponential thinking. Thinking upon thinking upon thinking. 

I could see clearly as I watched myself that the irritability was about my thinking, not about the sensations and energy. Once I saw it, I was able to take those thoughts less seriously and allow them to move through me. I was able to relax a bit and just be with the sensations and low energy without attaching all kinds of meaning to them. As I did that, the irritation began to subside. I could see that trying to positive-think my way into a better frame of mind wasn’t necessary. I could see that trying to “fix” the sensations and low energy wasn’t necessary.

As I removed the stories from the sensations and energy level, I could see that they were neutral. They weren’t a problem. Yes, I was cautious with my toe but I was no longer worried or stressed about it; I simply took care of it. Yes, Pedro was still trailing behind but it was no longer personal.

You see, we create our experience via our thinking. Sensations, energy, and draggy dogs are not a problem. It’s the stories, the meaning, the exponential thinking we attach to those sensations, energy, and draggy dogs that create our experience. I could not see this for decades. Now I can. Except, of course, when I can’t.

You may be thinking, OK, so it’s bad to be irritatable and I should try to stop it. Well, no, it’s not a problem feeling irritable, afraid, or low but you don’t have to make negative meaning out of it. You don’t have to feed it. You don't have act on it. And it is not you. But, guess what? If you do feed it, that’s not a problem either. It just means that you are going to feel it more strongly. If you feed irritability, you will feel irritable. That’s how the human system is designed to work. Your system is working perfectly.

As you allow the thoughts of irritability to move along, the feelings of irritability will flow with them. If not this moment, then the next. If not today, then tomorrow or the next day. I can't tell you when they will move along, only that they will. That's what thoughts and feelings do. There is no need to be worried about them. As you allow them to flow, you may notice that they aren't as sticky. You may notice that you can hear the birds singing from time to time or catch yourself smiling at your animal friend or child.

Like clouds parting and forming, parting and forming, so are thoughts and feelings. The clear sky of your wellbeing is always present despite the clouds. You can count on it.

I always welcome and appreciate your comments. You can find the comment box below.

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Schedule a Taster Session to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's commitment is to help her clients overcome self-doubt and anxiety and return to confidence and peace in their everyday lives.

Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts or Low Feelings

A couple of big names were in the news this past week. Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain committed suicide days apart. People are talking about it. I began wondering about the other 850+ non-famous people who’ve committed suicide this week alone. I’d like to know their names. I’d like to remember them, too.

The CDC says that the suicide rate in the US has increased more than 25% since 1999. 1999 was my darkest year. Suicide had become a viable option for me. In February of 2000, I went to the brink and ended up in the ER, then intensive care. I know what it’s like to feel hopeless. I know what it’s like to believe that there is no way out of the despair. I know what it’s like to be consumed by shame and fear. If only I had known that the desperate thoughts and feelings would pass. If only I had known that I was resilient and whole despite how it all seemed. If only Kate, Anthony, and countless other people had known.

This is why I do the work I do. I want people to know. I want them to know that desperate thoughts and feelings pass. I want them to know that they are not those thoughts and feelings. I want them to know their own wellbeing and resilience.

You see, no matter how it may seem at this very moment, you are whole. You have innate wellbeing and resiliency. It may be that no one has ever told you. It may be that you’ve been told all your life that you are broken. It may be that you’ve come to believe it. I believed it. That belief was devastating. No matter how it looks to you at this moment, you are not broken; you only believe that you are. That belief is causing you tremendous suffering. Your essence cannot be broken. If you listen deeply, you may feel the truth of this, if only for a nanosecond. It’s no less true if you can’t.

Listen, it’s OK if you don’t believe it. I’ll believe it for you until you can. I believe it with all my heart. I believe in you. I see your light. I see your wholeness. If you can’t, it’s OK. It makes it no less true. You’ve only forgotten. You could remember at any moment. These desperate thoughts and feelings will pass. They will. That’s what thoughts and feelings do. They are not you. They are not permanent.

When we are in the throes of the devasting thoughts and emotions, they feel utterly and overwhelmingly real. They are supposed to feel real, that’s how this human system works. I get it. I understand. I’ve been there. All the way down. Sometimes it’s at the very bottom that we get a taste of who we really are, of our divinity. Over the Rhine has a line in their song, Nobody Number One, that I love: “I’m so far down, I’m beginning to breathe”. That’s what happened to me. I went all the way down and it was there that I found I could breathe. It was there that I touched my essence.

Sydney Banks, a philosopher and writer, said: “If the only thing people learned was not to be afraid of their experience, that alone would change the world.” I believe it. I was so afraid of feeling down. I was so afraid of feeling shame. I was so afraid of feeling alone. I was so afraid of feeling afraid. I did not know that I could have touched it all more lightly. I did not know that I could have taken them less seriously and personally. I did not know that they were not me. I did not know that they would pass. Despite not knowing, they passed anyway but I kept them alive for much longer than necessary and I suffered greatly as a result. Now I know that thoughts, feelings, and circumstances pass. Now I know that I don’t have to take them so very personally and seriously. Now I know that I can find my way through. This is possible for you, too. It is.

If you are feeling suicidal:

  1. Reach out for support. I’d be happy to have a conversation with you or you could call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255
  2.  Remind yourself, whether or not you can feel it, that you are whole. You are resilient. You are made of star-stuff. You are divinity. If you can't remind yourself, find someone who can.
  3. Remember that thoughts and feelings want to move through you. That’s what they do. They are not permanent. They are not you. Imagine watching them pass without attaching to them. They cannot hurt you. You could think of them as a dream that you will wake up from or a fantastically immersive movie that will end.
  4. Instead of adding to the desperate thoughts and feelings with more thought and analysis, you could bring your attention back into the present moment. Feel your body in your chair. Feel how that chair supports you. Notice your breath, the inhale, the exhale. You are created for this present moment, not a future or past moment. Bring your attention back to this very moment. 
  5. You could notice that even in the midst of the despair, a puppy, an unexpected smile from a stranger, the wind caressing your skin can still make you smile at times. That could be a reminder to you that thoughts and feelings come and go. Notice it or you may miss it.
  6. Remind yourself that countless people have found their way through. You can, too. I could never have imagined 20 years ago how good life could be for me and how much like a distant and fading dream those desperate years feel to me now. Don’t give up. You are resilient. There is a way through this.
  7. Reach out for support. Yes, some things need to be said twice. Humans are relational beings. If no one around you is supportive then call the hotline or contact me. There are those who want to help.

As you wake up to who you truly are, you will find your way. Get support from someone who knows you have innate well-being and who will point you back to your essence, to your own light. That's where you will find your resilience, clarity, and peace. There is hope. There is hope.

This song brings tears to my eyes because I can breathe again and I wasn't sure that was going to be possible 20 years ago. There is hope.

I always welcome and appreciate your comments. You can find the comment box below.

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Schedule a Taster Session to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's commitment is to help her clients overcome self-doubt and anxiety and return to confidence and peace in their everyday lives.

Can I Change Someone I Love?

I had a conversation with friends this weekend that had us all very thoughtful. We were talking about the people in our lives who struggle with addictions of one sort or another. Every one of us in that conversation has had someone close to us caught in desperate addiction. It’s difficult seeing someone we love throwing away their lives, or so it seems. We wondered if it’s possible to change someone we love and what to do if we can’t.

I’ve been on both sides of the addiction issue. My beautiful mother was an alcoholic and I went to the mat with alcohol myself during my break-down break-through. I almost didn’t survive it and I know people who haven’t. It can be excruciatingly painful to watch someone we love in the throes of it all. It can be terrifying not knowing if they will make it through to the other side. We can become desperate to change them just as I was desperate to change my mother.

As my friends and I were talking, I told them that I was surprised to find that the only thing I truly regret since my mother’s death, is that I tried to change her. If I could have one conversation with my mother today, it would be to apologize for that. It would be to tell her how differently I see it all now. How differently I see her now.

You see, I don’t believe it’s possible to change another person. I believe that change comes from within. Always. I believe that when we attempt to change another, we set ourselves up for even more suffering and I don’t believe it’s particularly helpful to the other person.

In my desperation to change my mother, I had all kinds of expectations that I put on myself and on her. I felt tremendous angst and pressure, from myself, to help her. She felt pressure to change for me and other family members, but the change she attempted was not from within her so it didn’t last. Change happens through insight, not from outside pressure or expectations.

I can remember the church trying to change me. I remember feeling tremendous pressure and then shame when I couldn’t change or sustain the change they wanted. I remember the few close friends near me during my break-down break-through who were pressuring me, innocently, to change. I couldn’t do it… until I could, and that came through insight, not from pressure. The shame I felt was partly why I couldn’t change. I couldn’t see my innate wellbeing. That’s no one’s fault but my own but it’s part of what was going on for me at the time. I know mama felt shame.

You see, when we are consumed by shame, we forget that we have innate wellbeing. We forget that we are not broken. We forget our resilience. We lose touch with ourselves and that is devastating. When that happens, some of us go down the path of addiction. Some of us go down the path of anger and manipulation. Some of us go down the path of depression and anxiety. Some of us go down the path of self-righteousness. There are many paths.

So, what can we do if someone won’t change? I believe that all we can do is love them. Love them without expectation. Love them without judgment. Love them without the demand that they change. Love them from your place of wellbeing, knowing that they, too, have wellbeing, even if you or they can’t see it right now.

That does not mean that you stay in harm’s way. That does not mean that you don’t have boundaries. That does not mean that you don’t take care of yourself. That does not mean that you don’t offer support if that seems the thing to do. That’s not to say that if someone commits a crime we just let them go on their merry way. It may mean we lock them up for everyone’s safety but what if instead of seeing them as criminal, we see them as whole and forgetting their wholeness? How might we treat them differently? How might we support them? What if we saw the addict as whole? 

I believe that the most helpful thing we can do for another is to trust them on their path, even if their path looks destructive to us. I had two people during my darkest times who absolutely trusted me and loved me despite how it all appeared. They reflected back to me my innate wellbeing and wholeness. I don’t know if anyone did that for mama. It made a difference.

What if we did that for one another? What if we reflected back to those around us who are in desperate straits, pure love and acceptance? What if we reflected back to them their wellbeing and resilience? Look, it’s no one’s responsibility to save or change another. It’s our responsibility to change ourselves and we can do that when we remember our innate wellbeing. And by remembering that those we love have innate wellbeing, too, then we can offer support and love without expectation and demands.

Everyone is on their own personal journey. We cannot understand what another is going through. We cannot possibly know what’s best for them. 

We cannot possibly know what's best for them.

Yes, I said that twice and it may need to be said repeatedly. All we can do is love them.

I know firsthand that what I’m saying could sound simplistic and naïve. It is simple but it’s not necessarily easy, especially when we aren’t in touch with our own wellbeing. Just do the best you can. Open with love and try to stay with love. You know when you’re coming from love and when you’re not. Love is not controlling, manipulative, anxious, coercive, self-righteous, or judgmental.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8

Schedule a Taster Session to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's commitment is to help her clients move from anxiety and self-doubt to confidence and inspiration in their everyday lives.