hope

When You Feel Hopeless

“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well (Julian of Norwich).”

We were out on our boat this weekend surrounded by rain storms. It was dark and furious. We didn’t know whether we should make a run for the marina or wait it out. We decided to wait it out and wade to shore on the little uninhabited island if the lightning got bad. The storm was headed right for us, but it never made it to us. It came from the east and split to the north and south of us heading west. We had no more than a few drops of rain and got front row seats to a beautiful storm.

You see, we simply can’t predict how things are going to be. We imagine our future, but it is always only imagined. We cannot possibly know how something will unfold, even when the storm looks like it is headed straight for us. We were certain that we were going to get the full fury of the storm but what seemed certain to us never came to pass.

Watching the storm, I thought of all the folks who are worried about their future, who see dark clouds bearing down upon them, who are living in the feeling of an imagined future. Living the fear again and again. Despairing. Hopeless. My heart breaks. I understand.

It has been a devastating, and, for many, frightening time here in the USA these past couple of weeks, regardless of which side of the political divide one finds oneself. Fear, ridicule, desperation, confusion, hopelessness, and divisiveness have sunk into our very soul, it seems. Many are afraid of what the future may bring. It’s tempting to believe that the brewing storm will consume us.

I’m reminded of the Chinese parable about a farmer and his son. This is how I remember the story: The farmer owned a beautiful stallion who helped earn money for the family. One day, the stallion ran away. The villagers said, “What terrible luck to lose your prized horse!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.” After a time, the stallion returned with a herd of mares. The villagers said, “What wonderful luck to have all those mares!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.” The farmer’s son began to train the mares. He was thrown from one of them and broke his leg. The villagers cried, “What terrible luck!” The farmer said, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.” A few days later, soldiers came through town recruiting all the able-bodied boys for war. The farmer’s boy was not recruited because of his broken leg. The villagers exclaimed, “What great luck! Your boy is spared!” To which the farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not, we’ll see.”

Maybe so. Maybe not. We’ll see.

I began this blog with words from Julian of Norwich, a Christian mystic. “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” She wrote these words after losing almost everyone she loved to plague and almost dying herself. She was quite young, yet she discovered the truth of her words. She knew that many storms never reach us, and even when they do, we are resilient and resourceful.

We are resilient and resourceful. “We are created for the reality of this moment (Jamie Smart).”

To those of you who are frightened, discouraged, hopeless, hurt, and angry, I see you. I love you. I leave you with these words from John Lennon, “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

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Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts or Low Feelings

A couple of big names were in the news this past week. Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain committed suicide days apart. People are talking about it. I began wondering about the other 850+ non-famous people who’ve committed suicide this week alone. I’d like to know their names. I’d like to remember them, too.

The CDC says that the suicide rate in the US has increased more than 25% since 1999. 1999 was my darkest year. Suicide had become a viable option for me. In February of 2000, I went to the brink and ended up in the ER, then intensive care. I know what it’s like to feel hopeless. I know what it’s like to believe that there is no way out of the despair. I know what it’s like to be consumed by shame and fear. If only I had known that the desperate thoughts and feelings would pass. If only I had known that I was resilient and whole despite how it all seemed. If only Kate, Anthony, and countless other people had known.

This is why I do the work I do. I want people to know. I want them to know that desperate thoughts and feelings pass. I want them to know that they are not those thoughts and feelings. I want them to know their own wellbeing and resilience.

You see, no matter how it may seem at this very moment, you are whole. You have innate wellbeing and resiliency. It may be that no one has ever told you. It may be that you’ve been told all your life that you are broken. It may be that you’ve come to believe it. I believed it. That belief was devastating. No matter how it looks to you at this moment, you are not broken; you only believe that you are. That belief is causing you tremendous suffering. Your essence cannot be broken. If you listen deeply, you may feel the truth of this, if only for a nanosecond. It’s no less true if you can’t.

Listen, it’s OK if you don’t believe it. I’ll believe it for you until you can. I believe it with all my heart. I believe in you. I see your light. I see your wholeness. If you can’t, it’s OK. It makes it no less true. You’ve only forgotten. You could remember at any moment. These desperate thoughts and feelings will pass. They will. That’s what thoughts and feelings do. They are not you. They are not permanent.

When we are in the throes of the devasting thoughts and emotions, they feel utterly and overwhelmingly real. They are supposed to feel real, that’s how this human system works. I get it. I understand. I’ve been there. All the way down. Sometimes it’s at the very bottom that we get a taste of who we really are, of our divinity. Over the Rhine has a line in their song, Nobody Number One, that I love: “I’m so far down, I’m beginning to breathe”. That’s what happened to me. I went all the way down and it was there that I found I could breathe. It was there that I touched my essence.

Sydney Banks, a philosopher and writer, said: “If the only thing people learned was not to be afraid of their experience, that alone would change the world.” I believe it. I was so afraid of feeling down. I was so afraid of feeling shame. I was so afraid of feeling alone. I was so afraid of feeling afraid. I did not know that I could have touched it all more lightly. I did not know that I could have taken them less seriously and personally. I did not know that they were not me. I did not know that they would pass. Despite not knowing, they passed anyway but I kept them alive for much longer than necessary and I suffered greatly as a result. Now I know that thoughts, feelings, and circumstances pass. Now I know that I don’t have to take them so very personally and seriously. Now I know that I can find my way through. This is possible for you, too. It is.

If you are feeling suicidal:

  1. Reach out for support. I’d be happy to have a conversation with you or you could call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255
  2.  Remind yourself, whether or not you can feel it, that you are whole. You are resilient. You are made of star-stuff. You are divinity. If you can't remind yourself, find someone who can.
  3. Remember that thoughts and feelings want to move through you. That’s what they do. They are not permanent. They are not you. Imagine watching them pass without attaching to them. They cannot hurt you. You could think of them as a dream that you will wake up from or a fantastically immersive movie that will end.
  4. Instead of adding to the desperate thoughts and feelings with more thought and analysis, you could bring your attention back into the present moment. Feel your body in your chair. Feel how that chair supports you. Notice your breath, the inhale, the exhale. You are created for this present moment, not a future or past moment. Bring your attention back to this very moment. 
  5. You could notice that even in the midst of the despair, a puppy, an unexpected smile from a stranger, the wind caressing your skin can still make you smile at times. That could be a reminder to you that thoughts and feelings come and go. Notice it or you may miss it.
  6. Remind yourself that countless people have found their way through. You can, too. I could never have imagined 20 years ago how good life could be for me and how much like a distant and fading dream those desperate years feel to me now. Don’t give up. You are resilient. There is a way through this.
  7. Reach out for support. Yes, some things need to be said twice. Humans are relational beings. If no one around you is supportive then call the hotline or contact me. There are those who want to help.

As you wake up to who you truly are, you will find your way. Get support from someone who knows you have innate well-being and who will point you back to your essence, to your own light. That's where you will find your resilience, clarity, and peace. There is hope. There is hope.

This song brings tears to my eyes because I can breathe again and I wasn't sure that was going to be possible 20 years ago. There is hope.

I always welcome and appreciate your comments. You can find the comment box below.

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Relax Your Grip

When we are grasping, clutching, or clinging, whether to an idea, person, situation, political stance, or belief, we may find that our focus becomes very small, limited, and rigid. In this state, we may not be able to see clearly in order to find our way. Instead we may become frustrated and ineffectual.

In college, I spent many days rock climbing and rappelling. I loved it! We were out on the cliffs at least once a week. I remember doing some crazy stunts like hooking into the rope backwards and going down the cliff headfirst. We had no fear most of the time.

I remember the first time I climbed a particularly exposed cliff wall. The cliff looked out over the valley and the Tennessee River. It wasn’t a difficult climb but it felt harder and trickier because it was quite exposed. I felt like I was hanging out there and I was scared. My reaction was to cling to the wall—pressing my body into the rock. The problem was that in grasping and clinging, I could no longer see nor negotiate my next move. I was stuck there.

I was stuck until I relaxed my grip and stopped clinging. I was stuck until I pushed out from the rock a bit so that I could survey my situation more broadly. I was stuck until I realized that the expansiveness was glorious and beautiful, and nothing to be afraid of. At that point, I could see my next handhold. I was able to move beyond the limited perspective of fear and see that there was a way to safely navigate the climb after all.

There was nothing to fear. I was safely tied to the rope. The climb was actually easy. All I had to do was push out enough to see what was before me and make the move that was immediately available to me.

Life is no different. When we stop clinging to stressful thoughts, beliefs, or perspectives, our mind returns to its natural state of clarity. We remember that we are tied safely to the rope of life and we are able to find our next handhold. 

I welcome your questions or comments below.

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By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life plus framable (high resolution) images and quotes that I have created just for my subscribers to inspire you. It's my way of saying thank you for your time and attention. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.

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Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they've been dreaming of. 

The Dark Seasons of Life

Darkness and decay get a bad rap. I think of all that grows from dark decay, the necessity of it. Whole ecosystems spring from decay. There can be no life without death.

I think of all the times I resisted the dark seasons of my life and how often I struggled against death; death of a person, a dream, a relationship, a belief, an identity. 

I look back over the years and see that something was taking root in that darkness and decay.  Something rich and beautiful. I couldn’t see it at the time. I didn’t know that life was living me. I didn't understand that I had innate wellbeing despite the difficult, dark times.

Because I couldn’t feel it, I thought it didn’t exist. Could it be more accurate to say that I didn’t believe it so I couldn’t feel it? I think so.

Now I know whether or not I feel my innate wellbeing, it is always there. This understanding alone helps during times of difficulty. I can trust the darkness and decay to support life.  I know now that I don’t have to resist it. I don’t have to struggle against it. Life always springs forth again.  Always.

If you going through a difficult and dark time, go ahead and cry. Grieve. It will do a cleansing work in you. You can be assured that the storm clouds will pass. You can be certain that the light will return. Life supports you. Always.

 “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”  Julian of Norwich

I welcome your questions or comments.

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life plus framable (high resolution) images and quotes that I have created just for my subscribers to inspire you. It's my way of saying thank you for your time and attention. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.

Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they've been dreaming of. 

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Relax, Love

I have a chalkboard in my office upon which I write inspirational quotes. For a few weeks now, I’ve had this wonderful quote by Nayyirah Waheed: “You will be lost and unlost over and over again. Relax, Love. You were meant to be this glorious. Epic. Story.”

Relax, Love. Those were the words I needed to hear during my breakdown breakthrough. Relax. This too shall pass. No need to take it too seriously or too personally. This angst (depression, grief, anxiety, shame, anguish) is not who you are. The storm clouds will pass.

But I did take it seriously, very seriously. I created a tragic and melancholic saga from the stressful thoughts and emotions that were trying to pass through me. I did this innocently because I didn’t understand the inside out nature of life. I kept the stressful thinking alive and I seriously suffered as a result. For years. I didn’t know at the time that I had the capacity to handle what I was going through. That it didn’t define me. I didn’t know that it wouldn’t harm me at my core. I didn’t know that it would pass if I left it alone. I didn’t know that resilience and well-being were innate in me.

No. I analyzed it. Judged it. Diagnosed it. Medicated it. Ran from it. Barreled toward it. Escalated it. Tried to pray it away. Tried to drink it away. I misunderstood it. I became mired in shame and despair. I couldn’t find a way out. All I wanted was for it to end and I thought I had to end it. One way or another. I didn’t know that all those feelings of angst would end themselves by simply moving though me. In their own time. There was nothing to be afraid of all along. Relax, Love.

Sydney Banks, a philosopher and author, said, “If the only thing people learned was not to be afraid of their experience, that alone would change the world.” I’ve found this to be true. As I take my moods and emotions less seriously, I find that they have minimal influence over me. As I stop adding my personal thoughts on top of the impersonal thought that is naturally passing through, I’m not as affected by them. As I become aware that I am spinning stories when I reach into the past or project into the future, I relax a bit and the fog begins to clear so that I am able to see my way forward again. Relax, Love.

You see, thoughts are impersonal. They constantly arise. That’s what thought does. As we attach to them, making them personal, we feel them. That’s how we are able to have this epic human experience.

You could think of thoughts like the painter’s palette. The painter has an array of colors available to her. She chooses which she wants to create with and she leaves the others on the palette. She creates with the colors she chooses, creating form from formlessness. Thoughts are similar. They are energy moving through us but once we start painting with them, we create our unique experiences, we create our lives. That’s why you and I and every other person can react or respond to the same situation completely differently. We are painting with different colors.

When we notice ourselves caught up in complicated thinking, analyzing, judging, reaching into the past, or projecting into the future, no problem. That’s our cue to slow down and allow our thinking to settle. We don’t get to choose which thoughts arise but we do get to choose which thoughts we paint with. If we have a stressful thought arise, we could leave it on the palette.

Relax, Love. You are resilient. That is your nature. You have all you need to move through this life with its ups and down. 

I welcome your questions or comments below.

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life plus framable (high resolution) images and quotes that I have created just for my subscribers to inspire you. It's my way of saying thank you for your time and attention. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.

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Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they've been dreaming of. 

Imaginal Cells

Almost 20 years ago, I had what I call my breakdown breakthrough. It was the culmination of 5 years of desperate struggle (all in all, more like 10 years). I lost my mother, my marriage, my life-long dream of having children, my home, my credit, my faith, and I almost lost my life. Literally. It was the messiest and darkest period of my life. It was also the most transformative. Beautifully transformative.

Looking back, I see that I entered a chrysalis of sorts. When a caterpillar enters the chrysalis, it digests itself. Certain imaginal cells survive the digestion and those cells transform into something radically new.

Listen, when a person is digesting herself, it can be hard on those around her. They can’t see the metamorphosis as anything other than destruction and it scares them. Understandably. So, people try to intervene. They try to solve, fix, treat, medicate, preach, protect, or get her to snap the hell out of it. They do this because they are scared and because they love her. What else are they to do when they don’t understand metamorphosis for what it is?

It’s scary for the person going through it, too, but she hears those imaginal cells whispering words of new life to her. So, she’s flying in the dark. She’s confused and frightened. She may even believe she’s dying and, in a way, she is. She can’t see what is beyond the chrysalis.

Too often, we are afraid of our experience and emotions. We avoid them or indulge them because we take them very personally and seriously. We do this innocently because we don’t understand the inside-out nature of experience. I believe this is why my breakdown breakthrough chrysalis lasted as long as it did. I was confused. I didn’t understand that the dark transformative place would do its work and pass. I didn’t understand that I wasn’t broken. I couldn’t see my innate resilience. Yet, every now and again, I felt the pull of those imaginal cells. Had I understood that I wasn’t broken, I believe I would have moved through the metamorphosis more easily and quickly, though I still had to dissolve in order to transform. No way around that, I suppose.

I’m telling you all this because I want to invite you to be a little more hopeful and gentle when you, or someone you love, are going through a difficult time. Even if it lasts a decade or more. Neither you nor they are broken. You don’t need fixing. There is nothing wrong with you. You are whole and resilient. You have innate well-being. Always. And so do they.

You have the wisdom to navigate the darkness. I invite you to take your experience and emotions less personally, less seriously. They will pass. I promise.  I want to assure you that you are OK, even if everyone around you, including the experts, have told you otherwise. Take a deep breath and allow your revved up thinking to quiet down a bit. Feel your own imaginal cells. They may be calling to you.

As you wake up to who you truly are, you will find your way. Get support if you need or want to but seek out someone who knows you have innate well-being and who will point you back to your essence, to your own light. That's where you will find your resilience, clarity, and peace. 

I would be delighted for you to comment below.

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly inspirational newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life plus framable (high resolution) images and quotes that I have created just for my subscribers to inspire you. It's my way of saying thank you for your time and attention. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.

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Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they've been dreaming of.