What are the things you’d do, attempt, try, or create if you had unlimited confidence?
I read a book recently called The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance by Katty Kay & Clarie Shipman. I loved this book because it normalized my experience. I am not alone.
Research shows that women struggle more than men when it comes to confidence. One study by Brenda Major, a social psychologist, found that “men consistently overestimated their ability and subsequent performance (on a variety of tasks or tests), and that women routinely underestimated both. The actual performance did not differ in quality.”
Overestimating your abilities can actually work for you because you tend to put yourself out there more often. Underestimating them often works against you, keeping you in your head and insecure.
Kay & Shipman found that “success correlates more closely with confidence than it does with competence.”
I believe it. I’ve lived it. I have the education, training, skills, and experience I need, yet, self-doubt continues to nip at my heels from time to time.
Self-doubt may be the single biggest factor that has held me back in my life and I have seen it repeatedly in the lives of my clients. It’s insidious. Is there anything we can do about it?
We’ve come to believe that confidence is a feeling. That is not accurate. Confidence is much more about taking action despite how we feel.
In the final chapter of their book, Kay & Shipman give us this simple but effective prescription for confidence:
“Think Less. Take Action. Be Authentic.”
I find it interesting and, oh, so true, that the very first part of their prescription is to think less. Over-thinking, rumination, and running narratives ramp up feelings of self-doubt, insecurity, and fear.
Usain Bolt, an Olympic champion sprinter, routinely walked the sidelines before his races. Unlike the other runners who were doing rituals, stretches, and other preparations, Usain would chat with and greet spectators, with a big smile on his face. Reporters asked why he wasn’t preparing for the race as the other athletes were. He explained that he ran better with less on his mind. He did not want to focus too much on the race.
Confidence is about preparing well, clearing your mind, and taking action.
Usain prepared, cleared his mind by talking to spectators, and then he ran the race. He didn’t need to conjure up any feelings of confidence. Neither do we.
A few years ago, I went bungee jumping (yes, that’s me!). I won’t go into the hilarity (and cussing) that ensued but I was terrified. No feeling of confidence came. Ultimately, I had a choice: Jump or don’t jump. After protesting much too long, I dove. The feeling of confidence never came but the thrill certainly did. If I had taken my feelings of anxiety and self-doubt too seriously, if I had believed them, (and I almost did), I never would have jumped. I’m so glad I did!
Feelings of doubt and uncertainty tell you absolutely nothing about your situation or about you or your capabilities. They tell you only that you are thinking thoughts of doubt and uncertainty.
I was perfectly capable of diving off that 160-foot bridge over a glacier-fed river but my brain, who’s main job is to keep me safe, attempted to convince me that I would die. The only way to override the message of death was to dive.
Preparation + Clarity + Action = Confidence (or in some cases, the clarity and courage not to act). I had a moment of clarity and I dove.
Clarity is our natural state. The feeling of confidence comes and goes. When we are preoccupied with confidence, we stir up insecurity. When we aren’t so preoccupied with finding that feeling of confidence, we have more clarity and we can act, whether or not we feel confident. This is empowering!
We don’t have to wait for a feeling of confidence in order to act. We could dive and the sooner we do, the easier it will be (as my hip, young, bungee-jumping-coach suggested).
What’s the good news? A feeling of confidence is optional! That lifts the weight, opening you to unlimited confidence, true confidence. You don’t need the feeling you thought you needed in order to move forward. You don’t have to wait for that feeling to arrive. You can prepare and act. As you take your feelings less seriously and act despite them, it’s often the case that your feelings of confidence will increase. That’s just the cherry on top. Nothing more.
If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on confidence, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar this week for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. Contact Me
