I’ve had a life-long fear of being seen. I know I’m not the only one. Many people are hiding in plain sight with this fear. When I reflect, I can see that it comes down to a fear of not measuring up, being seen as imperfect or as a fraud, being inadequate, or worse yet, being seen as fundamentally flawed. While this has become less of an issue as I’ve worked through these things, it still rears its head. Can you relate?

We live in an overly individualistic society. In fact, individualism is highly applauded in many ways. The demands are extreme that we look and act just right, excel, are successful (in very particular ways), are culturally beautiful, that we are all things to all people, and that we go it alone. It’s too heavy!

The demands are impossible but we don’t dare let anyone see our struggles, we simply do our best to bear up under it all, hiding in plain sight, — until we can’t any longer. I think of Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, and many others. Social media has only proven to increase these demands and the craziness of it all.

Almost all of us feel the pressure to conform to some extent or another. But at what cost? What price do you pay when you hide your imperfections and pain day in and day out?

The price is paid in many forms: fatigue, anxiety, shame, difficulty speaking up, poor sleep, a compromised immune system, avoidance, loneliness despite how many people are around, compromised relationships, poor work performance, overworking to the point of exhaustion, over drinking, overly guarded, and much more.

So many people are hiding in plain sight, quietly dealing with the anxiety of it all.

What can we do about this?

When I’m working with a client dealing with these kinds of unrealistic demands, whether external or internal, I first point them in the direction of who they are at their essence, before the demands.

This desire we have to hide or not be seen is not a result of our true self, it’s a result of not being in touch with our true self. We want to protect our ego or our image of ourselves, but the true self doesn’t need protecting.

Each of us comes into this world with certain innate characteristics. You can see this in very young children. They are happy, curious, playful, creative, comfortable with themselves, responsive, open, resilient, and so on. They have an amazing capacity to feel all of their explosive emotions and then let those emotions move through them naturally and quickly. Of course, these characteristics can become quite hidden, even very early on, when trauma is involved but those qualities are still there.

These are the qualities that are innate to us as adults. Each of us has innate wisdom, resilience, intuition, insight, resourcefulness, love, and wellbeing but we may be quite out of touch with them.

The solution is to come home to yourself, before all of the beliefs, demands, and expectations that have been placed on you and that you now place on yourself.

You are not damaged, not at your core. Yes, your ego, reputation, or physical body may be damaged, but who you truly are can never be damaged. However, we get confused living in a culture that tells us otherwise. This is the first misunderstanding to clear up.

Secondly, it’s important to wake up to the beliefs, stories, and narratives that you are buying into — that we all buy into — that cloud your clarity about who you really are.

A story I bought into for many years that nearly destroyed me was that my heart is evil above all else. I believed I couldn’t trust myself and when I did inevitably fail, I used that as proof that the evil-heart story was true. I carried terrible shame for decades all because of this one story. Shedding that belief has freed me up in ways I never believed possible.

What are the stories, beliefs, and narratives that hinder you and keep you from knowing your true essence? It could be an expectation from a parent that you’ve internalized. It could be a cultural demand that tells you exactly what beauty and success must look like. Or a religious edict that you can’t seem to escape. It could be that you are buying into day-to-day stressful thoughts.

Who would you be without these stories?

You could think of it this way:

Everyone has innate wellbeing, resourcefulness, wisdom, creativity, and insight. Sometimes you are more dialed into these qualities than other times.
If you are too down or even too hyped up — hyper, angry, frustrated, agitated, fearful, etc. — these thoughts can become clustered and loud. Like a tornado in your head. The wisdom and insight are there but you can’t hear them. You may feel like hiding.
Your default setting is wellbeing and when you are dialed into that, your thoughts don’t stop but you don’t engage them so much. You could imagine your thoughts on a conveyor belt - coming and going - slower and more peaceful. Now your innate wisdom, resourcefulness, and creativity have a chance to be heard and supports you in moving your life forward with more ease and flow. Now the fear of being seen subsides.

Thoughts Scream Wisdom Whispers

When you quiet your insecure or anxious thinking and overactive imagination, even temporarily, you are able to access your inner wisdom, resourcefulness, and wellbeing. Now you are in touch with who you really are and who you really are has no need to hide or fear being seen.

When you find yourself wanting to hide and not be seen, this could be your wakeup call that you have lost sight of who you really are. It could be your wakeup call that you are buying into stressful stories, narratives, or beliefs that cloud your innate clarity.

When you realize you’ve lost sight of who you are and that you are caught up in stressful thoughts that make you want to hide, look for the stories, beliefs, and narratives behind those thoughts. That’s where you’ll find your suffering. When you recognize them for what they are, you can begin dropping them, allowing them to dissipate and you can return to the clarity of who you truly are. You are safe there. From that place, you can take action or not. You can be seen if that’s needed. You can live your life freely.