My partner and I have a little 15’ skiff we call the Freida (named after my mama). She’s old but she runs like a champ and we love her. I’m mostly the captain of the Freida and my partner is the pro at launching and trailering her at the Dunedin Marina. It’s not easy backing a trailer. It requires overriding what the brain wants to do.
I decided that I need to learn to back the trailer. We went to a church parking lot where there is plenty of room to experiment. I’m highly coordinated so I assumed it was going to be fairly easy. I was wrong. It was crazy hard. I was surprised!
Not only that, I got irritated. Really irritated. With myself. I felt stupid and uncoordinated. Neither of which are true. Yet, in that moment, I bought into those feelings as if they were true. The result? I rushed, failed, and wanted to quit. I had barely given it a try!
Why are we so quick to judge ourselves? Why do we give ourselves such a hard time? What is this need to be perfect? I suppose we come to this innocently, steeped in a culture of immediate gratification, expectations, and the rigid separation between winners and losers.
My partner told me to breathe and slow down. After a few more frustrating moments, I did. I reset my expectations. There is nothing wrong me. It’s simply a matter of practice. So, I practiced again and again until I began to get the hang of it.
It may be easy to wake up to ourselves with something as insignificant as backing a trailer, but what about when it comes to mastering a new skill in your business, relationship, or some other significant change that is important to you? What can you do about perfectionism, fear of failure, or negative self-talk? How do you develop the grit to see it through?
My partner held the key.
Breathe. Slow down. Keep at it.
When we buy into perfectionism, self-doubt, and fear of failure, we cloud our clarity of action. You could imagine holding a snow globe and shaking it. The snow obscures the clarity of the scene within the globe. When we become agitated, it’s as if we keep shaking the snow globe and wonder why we can’t see the scene. This, of course, leads to more agitation.
When we take that breath and slow down, we give our clouded thinking and stressful emotions time to settle. Some may call this mindfulness.
Mindfulness, as described by scientists, is the experience of paying close attention to the present in an open and accepting way. Daniel Siegal, a leading researcher and author in this area, says, “It’s our ability to pause before we react. It gives us the space of mind in which we can consider various options and then choose the most appropriate ones.”
Mindfulness is about noticing inner signals. When you are lost in thought or emotions, you don’t see as much or sense as much. But, when you focus your mind on the present moment, all your senses come alive.
Frustration (or any emotion) naturally occurs. You could think of your feelings as a bus that pulls up to the stop. You can hop on that bus or you can stay put and let the bus move on. You have no control over the bus coming and going but you don’t have to hop on it and even if you do, you can hop off at the next stop. Sometimes all it takes is one mindful breath.
I have a client who gets extremely nervous before entering an important business meeting. Through our work together, she has learned the simple practice of sitting at her desk and bringing her attention to her breath for 60-90 seconds. When she’s done, she exits the office and walks into her meeting grounded and ready for whatever unfolds.
This tiny mindfulness practice has changed her experience by bringing clarity which enables her to tackle whatever her day brings. She was shocked that such a simple practice could be so helpful.
We think it’s the big things that have to change. We believe that we have to lose the 20 pounds or learn to be a professional speaker or get the big raise that proves our worth before things will change but the truth is that it’s the little practices that make all the difference.
Take a breath. Slow down. Keep at it.
Clarity is your superpower. It can only be found in the present moment. You see, as my client worried about how her colleagues would view her, she was projecting herself into the future imagining their reactions and judgments. No longer in the present moment, her anxiety rose and she went into the meetings defended and not fully present. She was only able to show up authentically and powerfully when she brought herself back to the present moment.
When we get caught up in an imagined future or in replaying a painful past, we can become confused, stressed, frustrated, or fearful. We lose our balance. Mindfulness is the remedy. Take a breath. Slow down. Return your focus to the present moment. That’s the only place you will find your clarity and it is always there, ready to offer up the answers you need.
If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on perfectionism, self-doubt, and fear of failure, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar this week for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. Contact Me
