How to Find Peace When the World is Falling Apart

I sent out a survey a couple of weeks ago asking folks about their main life stressors. Some folks are concerned about the state of the world, both politically and environmentally. They are feeling anxiety and deep sadness, as well as a sense of powerlessness. I understand.

When I get caught up in political divisiveness and all the ills of the world, I can get sucked down the rabbit hole of despair, too. I can feel overwhelmed and powerless, also. It doesn’t take more than a few minutes to become completely absorbed and riddled with anxiety.

Nicole Bird is a wonderful, insightful coach whom I follow. This morning she sent out a brilliant blog post called, What Facebook Has to Teach Us About Anxiety. I hope you'll take a couple of minutes to read her post. In a nutshell, she is comparing our thoughts to our Facebook feed. Facebook is constantly updating our feed and, whatever we click on, Facebook gives us more like it. If I click on despair, I’ll get more despair. If I click on divisiveness, I’ll get more divisiveness. If I click on puppies, I'll get more puppies!

This is how our thoughts work, too. Whichever thoughts we “click on” become the thoughts that show up in our mind’s “feed” more often. If I want to feel less anxiety and more inspiration, then I need to stop clicking on the stressful thoughts and let them move along. No need to fight, control, or change them, rather, stop clicking and let them move on. The algorithms of my mind will show them less often when I stop clicking on them. This understanding is important regarding Facebook algorithms and our minds’ algorithms as it relates to finding peace and making a difference in the world because what we click on becomes our felt reality. 

So, you want to make a difference but you feel anxious, sad, or a trembling outrage. My question to you is this: What would happen if you stopped consuming the articles of horror? What would happen if you’d let your nervous system calm down a bit from the constant onslaught? What would happen if you tapped into your innate resilience and wellbeing and recognized the same in those around you? How might you show up differently in the world? What would become clear to you about your role in a world full of injustice? Of course, you can't possibly know as long as you are caught in the onslaught.

When we are consumed with overwhelm, fear, or rage, I believe our effectiveness is severely diminished. I remember at the time of my deepest depression, 20 years ago, I sat on the couch for weeks at a time watching the Kosovo War on television. I watched for hours a day becoming more and more depressed and despairing. The depression and despair rendered me absolutely incapable of effectual action. You see, I couldn’t do a damn thing about the Kosovo War. I truly couldn’t. But by going down the rabbit hole of despair and becoming consumed with what I couldn’t do, I was unable to see the difference I could make in the world. Instead, I did nothing. Instead, I became what consumed me.

When we become overwhelmed with the outrageous injustices in the world by our constant “clicking” (which we do innocently), we lose sight of all the good in the world (there is plenty!) and we lose sight of what we can do in the face of injustices. When we are consumed with guilt, overwhelm, rage, or apathy, we lose sight that we can make a difference and how. When we stop clicking on horror articles and thoughts, we can settle down, let the barrage clear, and connect with our innate wisdom. We can connect with the good, the true, and the beautiful which will buoy us. From that place, we can see what action is needed and how to take it. We may even find joy.

We can make a difference. Mother Teresa said, “If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one.” We could feed the one. We could feed the one. It makes a difference. It makes a difference to that one and it makes a difference to the world. If we could understand that we don’t have to save the world, then maybe we’d be free to feed the one. Imagine.

When we stop clicking on the stressful articles and stressful thoughts, our innate wellbeing and peace can surface again. From that place, we could change the world.

If you'd like to take the survey I mentioned at the beginning, you can find it here. Your answers give me ideas for writing meaningful blog posts and I would appreciate your time.

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How to Let Go of Self-Doubt

I’ve been reflecting on my clients and on many folks whom I know. I’ve noticed that many people struggle with self-doubt and lack of confidence even though they are clearly smart, capable, creative, and resourceful.

The theme of self-doubt emerges repeatedly. I see it all around me. Self-doubt can lead to all manner of symptoms: lack of confidence, anxiety, depression, insomnia, under-earning, over spending, weight gain, diminished creativity, relational conflict, isolation, distraction, and much more. Can you relate? I see folks who are brilliant, shining lights who hide that light. They suffer as a result and the rest of the world misses out on their brilliance.

Looking back, I can see how true it has been for me, too. I call myself a late bloomer because I lacked confidence for so much of my life. Shame and anxiety were crippling at times. I was capable, smart, and resourceful all along, yet, I continually doubted myself. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t believe I was OK. Until recent years.

My mama was a bright light who faded out over the years and I believe so much of that was because of her self-doubt. I think her fading light has been a huge motivator for me to figure out this self-doubt issue.

I see it in other folks, too. They have a multitude of gifts to offer the world but hold back because of self-doubt. Hiding, dimming their light. So many live unfulfilled lives devoid of the deep meaning they desire and are capable of living. Do you experience this? I understand. I’ve lived it.

When I reflect on how I have been able to move through the self-doubt, two things come to mind. One, I have always had someone come alongside me to offer guidance. Someone who believed in me. Someone who saw my light and reflected it back to me. Not perfectly, mind you, but enough for me to catch a glimpse of my true essence. I do this for my clients. I reflect back to them the light I see in them. I reflect back to them their brilliance. It’s easy to do because it’s so clear to me.

Two, I have come to understand how we create our realities. I used to think that life happened to me and I had to manage, conquer, control, avoid, or suffer it. Boy, did I suffer. Now, I understand that at our essence, we are whole. We’re OK! As Pema Chodron says, you are the sky, everything else is just the weather.

I also understand that we create our reality via our thinking. We cannot control our thoughts but we can turn our attention away from them or towards them. The thoughts we buy into, we feel, thereby creating our reality. I bought into the self-doubt thoughts and they defined my life for decades. I totally experienced it as if I were it. That’s how this human system is designed. We feel what we think. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Self-doubt is a thought we buy into. Innocently. By buying into it, it feels incredibly real, as it is supposed to feel. When we regard it as real, we find all kinds of “proof” that it is true. My “proof”? Bankruptcy, foreclosure, struggles with alcohol, failed relationships, and more. These things appeared to support my self-doubt. In truth, these things were not proof that I wasn’t capable, rather they were the result of me buying into self-doubt. I acted or didn’t act from a place of self-doubt rather than from a place of clarity, wellbeing, and wisdom, all of which are innate.

There is always a new thought on the horizon. We get to choose which thoughts we will feed and which we will leave alone. If we leave them alone, they will pass. Neuroscience shows the truth of this. When we trend a neural pathway repeatedly, it becomes all the more ingrained. The minute we stop treading it, it grows over.

This is fantastic news! I no longer have to buy into my thoughts of self-doubt. When I don’t buy into them, the self-doubt pathway grows over just as an untrod path in the woods grows over. I don’t have to take thoughts of self-doubt personally or seriously anymore and neither do you. It’s not that we won’t have them, it’s that we no longer have to entertain them. They are no longer the enemy, rather, they are neutral, no longer having power over us.

How does this work practically? Well, let’s say you’ve come up with an idea that you’ve never attempted before or you’re facing an extremely challenging situation. It feels completely out of your wheel house. Without the understanding that your true essence is whole and that you create your reality via your thinking, you may begin to worry that you won’t be OK. You might begin to attach to the thoughts that tell you you’re not capable, that you’re not smart enough to find your way, that others won’t understand, that you will surely fail. Your thinking revs up. I'm sure you know exactly what I mean. You begin spinning stories. Your thinking exponentially multiplies and you may find yourself utterly overwhelmed and paralyzed as a result.

When you understand that your wellbeing is innate and cannot be harmed, you are more likely to try new things and to find your way through challenging situations with more ease. When you allow your thinking to settle down, you have more clarity to move forward. You are no longer afraid to experiment. You feel more confidence. But even if you do feel fear, you don’t take it as seriously and personally. It becomes neutral. You’re clear, settled. If you're not, you know to wait. Once settled, you can see your next step when you need it. Always.

You get to experiment. You get to create. You get to give your gifts. You can trust your resilience, resourcefulness, and wellbeing. They've been there all along.

I'd love to hear how it is for you. Leave a comment in box below. I'd be delighted.

Schedule a Taster Session to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's commitment is to help her clients return to a place of confidence and inspiration.

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Fear and Divisiveness

“Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open.  You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.” Ralph Marston

I had a conversation with a friend the other day that disturbed me.  I found myself tensing up as we talked.  I felt some anxiety in my stomach and breath.  I had to intentionally breathe through the anxiety so as not to react in an unkind way with my own thoughts of being right.

I am blessed to have people in my life from all sorts of backgrounds and beliefs: conservative, liberal, straight, gay, Christian, Hindu, Atheist, rich, poor, and so forth.  I’m blessed because such diversity enriches and deepens my life. Truly.

I’ve been in some of those camps at one time or another and I’ve been quite staunch.  I was a staunch fundamentalist Christian and conservative for decades. After my break-down break-through, I became a staunch liberal and environmentalist. I learned valuable life lessons in each of those camps that have served me well and I learned things that were unhelpful and even harmful. In each of those camps, it was us versus them. My way or the highway whether or not that was explicitly stated.

I’m not so staunch anymore. It’s not that I can’t be or don’t feel the pull to be, rather it’s that I understand how staunchness can shut us down and disconnect us from those who are unlike us. I don’t want that. It doesn’t feel good to me. It’s not effective as we can see so clearly in our current political climate. The divisiveness is dangerous and toxic.

Back to my friend. She had been listening to a talk show host and was on a rant about “those Muslims”.  This friend is someone whom I respect and appreciate. She has a huge and generous heart.  She is kind and enjoys helping those in need.  As I listened to her rant, I could hear her anger. That much was apparent, but as I listened more deeply, I could also hear her fear. She was afraid.

How many times have you seen a conservative friend go up against a liberal friend, or liberal against conservative, on Facebook or in other casual conversation?  How many times have you heard it on the television or radio. It ain’t pretty. When our minds close around an issue, it becomes impossible to hear one another or even, it seems, to be kind.

I think back to the tightness in my stomach when my friend was talking. I realize that the tightness was anger and beneath that was fear. I wanted to react—lash out even. I realized that my fear was about people separating themselves from each other based on culture, religion, sexuality, or anything else.  I wanted desperately for my friend to see that we are all connected. I wanted her to see this because I’m afraid of what the separateness is doing to us and to the world at large. However, from a place of anger and fear, I contract and disconnect, which prevents real dialogue, openness, and love and assures the very disconnection that I fear. See how that works?

When I hear the judgmental, superior, rigid, and arrogant voices ranting about this and that on Facebook, Fox News, or CNN, I first must recognize that voice within me if, in fact, I am truly interested in love and connection. It’s easy to recognize. It’s unpleasant and necessary. This voice resides in me every bit as strongly as it does in anyone else. It overtakes me at times, too. I must recognize the voice for what it is: thoughts I’ve brought to life by attaching to them, by feeding them, by taking them so very seriously and personally.

Secondly, I must listen more deeply to what’s beneath the anger, superiority, or arrogance. When I listen for what’s beneath it and when I can recognize that the person is simply believing her or his own thoughts, just as I do all too often, then I can tap into my compassion and empathy. If I believed what they believed, I’d be saying and doing exactly what they are saying and doing. This understanding truly helps me tap into my compassion and empathy. This, then, can enable connection rather than disconnection. Most people long to connect. When we drop the certainty, rigidity, and judgment, connection becomes possible again.  

My friend and others who are ranting and raving are often doing so out of fear. Fear that the “Muslim” will kill everyone. Fear that the “religious right” will take away all our freedoms. Fear that the “liberals” will ruin the country. Fear that the “homosexuals” will destroy the institution of marriage. Fear that there won’t be enough money. The list is surprisingly long. Fear is a physiological response to danger. It is a bodily function meant to alert, not meant to become a state of mind. When it becomes a state of mind then all hell breaks loose.

Fear as a state of mind abounds in this culture.

Fear oppresses.
Fear restricts.
Fear separates.

We suffer.

How do we step out of the state of fear and dangerous divisiveness?  How do we hear one another, despite our differences?  How do we treat one another with respect, compassion, and kindness no matter our religion, political leaning, culture, sexuality, financial standing, race, etc.?  How do we come to understand that we are all connected? 

  1. We could recognize the fear within ourselves. It starts from within. We could recognize our own arrogance, rigidity, and judgment. We could take responsibility for it and calm ourselves down in the moment by getting grounded. From this place of ground, we will have a better chance of seeing the other’s perspective.
  2. We could remind ourselves that we are all living in our own reality. If I believed as you believe, I’d be seeing, saying, and doing the same thing you see, say, and do. This understanding alone can give us a tremendous amount of compassion and a better understanding of the other’s perspective.
  3. We could look for common ground. In most cases, we have far more that we do agree on than we don’t. If we worked from that place of agreement, we’d weaken polarization and strengthen connection.
  4. We could choose love and connection over being right. Love covers a multitude of wrongs and feels so much better.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
— Rumi

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Going Over Conversations in Your Head

I don’t know about you, but I am a master at imagining and replaying conversations in my head. Past conversations. Future conversations. Conversations I will never have but could have in some alternate reality, I suppose. I imagine what I’m going to say in a particular scenario or go back over a conversation that I’ve already had. Over and over again. Judging, planning, scheming, worrying. Do you do this, too?

Some call this rumination, overanalysis, or even social anxiety. Whatever it is, I’ve had plenty of it in my life. It can be our misguided way of trying to control anxiety but this kind of rumination leads to more anxiety. I'm sure you've already figured that out.

When I get caught up in this mode, I can feel pretty stressed and even bad about myself. When I can bring my attention to what I’m doing, I notice that I’m going over and over something that doesn’t exist. A past conversation is over. A future conversation hasn’t happened, and it won’t. That is to say, there is no way to predict how a conversation will go. Ever.  Trying to do so may give us an illusion of control but it’s still an illusion.

I was walking with Pedro today in the woods. No one was out there. I didn’t have Pedro’s comfortable harness with me so I took him off the leash in a place I won’t normally do so. As we were walking, all alone, I began imagining seeing someone in the distance approaching us. I imagined they would be angry to see Pedro off leash. I imagined quickly snapping the leash on Pedro before the person got close to us. I imagined her getting to us and fussing at me for having Pedro off the leash for even a moment. I imagined telling her that he is on the leash now and posed no threat. I imagined her going on and on and me defending myself. I imagined getting angry and impatient with her. Phew! That is just how creative I am!

I even began to feel a tad guilty and irritated! Of course I did, because we are always living in the feeling of our thinking. We create our reality moment to moment via our thoughts. That’s how powerful and creative the human system is.

The Pedro scenario happened quickly and I was able to realize what I was doing. Seeing that, I brought my attention back to the present moment and allowed the thoughts to move along, as thoughts will do when left alone. When we don’t allow them to move along by attaching to and feeding them, they can become overwhelming and can obscure us from what is present to us in the moment.

Pedro off leash was a silly example but it’s not so silly when I’m worried about a conversation with a challenging co-worker or family member or judging a conversation I’ve had in the past. I still remember a one sentence comment I made decades ago. One second too late, I realized that it was mildly insensitive though I didn’t intend it that way. I replayed that one sentence for years. Years! And that’s not the only sentence I’ve replayed. Can you relate?

I no longer torture myself with replaying past or imagining future conversations, for the most part, and I am much more relaxed which enables me to be more present in the conversations I have in the moment. When conversations are conducted in the present moment, we have more clarity and are able to access the wisdom we need for that conversation. In the moment.

That’s not to say that I can’t remind myself of a past conversation, note what I’d like to do differently, learn from that, and take that understanding into new conversations. It’s not to say that I can’t prepare for future conversations by being clear on what I want to convey and even outlining my points if I think that could be helpful. But in doing so, we could notice when we begin to feel ramped up, stressed out, or fearful. Those feelings of stress are useful because they can wake us up to the fact that we have become lost in the past or the future, neither of which exist.

The remedy? You could bring your attention back to the present moment. Often, a simple, “You can stop now, Carla”, is enough to bring me back to the present moment. Awareness, alone, can be enough to loosen the grip of stressful thinking. If it doesn't loosen its grip right then, it will. In time. Always.

In the woods with Pedro, all I needed to do was bring my attention to what was present, instead of to the made up woman. The beautiful live oaks. The curious anhinga. The mating cardinals. The call of the pileated woodpecker. Pedro’s wagging tail. The smell of the salty air and earthy mud of the tidal creek. I begin to settle.

When my attention is on the present moment, I find a clarity and wisdom available. I find that I have what I need for this moment. As Jamie Smart says, We are built for the reality of this moment. We are not built for the past. We are not built for the future. We are built for right here and right now. In this moment, you have all you need.

You could make my day by leaving a comment in the comment box below. 

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.

Want some support in navigating this chaotic world? Join my free Wellbeing & Resilience Facebook group. We are just getting started. I hope to see you there!

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Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they most desire. 

You May Not Know

My mama's birthday was yesterday, April 30th. It's hard to believe that she died over 22 years ago. I was utterly devastated when she died. My whole world turned upside. Grandmother lived to be 92 and I had always believed that the women in my family were meant to live long. Not mama.

At the same time, my then husband and I were trying to get pregnant. We’d been trying for several years by that point. Being a wife and mother were all I had ever imagined for myself. Another blow, or so it felt at the time. Something about being motherless and childless felt difficult to me.

I don’t know why mama’s death rocked me so. I don’t know why I fell completely apart. We hadn’t even lived in the same state for over a decade. I didn’t see her frequently though I did see her regularly. Holidays and such. But we were close. 

What is about the mama? She carries us all those months, keeping us safe until we can breathe. She gives us our first taste of life. Without the mama we wouldn’t be in this world. Maybe I thought I could no longer exist when she died. I decided I couldn’t. 

And because of that decision: My life fell apart. My marriage. My dreams of motherhood. My faith. My finances. My sobriety. My friendships. My sexual identity. My felt sense of wellbeing. Everything, or so it seemed.

It took me five dark and messy years to see the gift in falling apart so utterly. Leonard Cohen says, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” I didn’t realize how completely I had to crack so that I could return to the light of my own wellbeing. I didn’t know how transformative it would be. I didn’t know the freedom possible for me. I didn’t know. Yet, it was always there. I was never actually separated from it. I only believed I was and therefore I felt I was and it felt real. But it wasn't. I didn’t know.

I suffered. Until I cracked and the light flooded me. I was free again. I could breathe. I always could. I didn't know.

You may not know, either. You may not know that what you are facing right now has the potential to crack you open to the transformative light. You may not know. You may feel desperate and totally alone, as I did. You may not know that you are not alone. You are not broken. Yes, there is brokenness all around you but that brokenness is not you. It may be that at some point along the way, you came to believe that the brokenness was you and that belief feels real to you. It is not. You are not broken.

Pema Chodron says, “You are the sky. Everything else – it’s the weather.” You are the expansive sky. If you are caught in a hurricane of desperate winds and raging storms right now, remind yourself that the hurricane will pass. You are not the hurricane. You are the sky. Yes, there may be some clean up and repairs that are needed for the exterior things after the hurricane has passed, but your essence remains unharmed.

We suffer horribly when we don’t understand that our essence can’t be harmed. During those five years after mama died, I thought I was terribly damaged and doomed. Believing those thoughts almost killed me. In cracking open, the light entered, shining on my innate wellbeing and resilience. This is the greatest gift my mother, or anyone, has ever given me. This gift is available to you, too. I'm certain of it because you already possess wellbeing... you just may not know.

“The birds, they sang at the break of day
Start again, I heard them say
Don't dwell on what has passed away
Or what is yet to be… “ ~ Leonard Cohen

Happy birthday, dear mama.

 

 

 

You could make my day by leaving a comment in the comment box below. 

Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they most desire. 

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life plus framable (high resolution) images and quotes that I have created just for my subscribers to inspire you. It's my way of saying thank you for your time and attention. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.

And They Flew

I was fortunate to stumble upon a pileated woodpecker's nest with three babies. Two males and one female. It was such a treat!

Click on images to enlarge

I read in Animal Speak that according to native American tradition, Woodpecker is a bird connected to the heartbeat of the Earth itself. 

These beauties remind me that we humans are also connected to the heartbeat of the earth. By design.

It has never been any other way. We are connected to Earth and to All. We are never separate. We only have the illusion of separateness and that illusion can leave us feeling alone and bound.

The belief that we are separate has wreaked all kinds of havoc and led to all manner of unnecessary suffering. Leaving us bound needlessly to the nest.

We are not alone. Life is living you and me just as it lives the pileated woodpeckers and their three babies.

These babies won't remain in this tree much longer. Already the parents are urging them to fly. They are born to fly.

I believe they feel the urge but they don't yet trust their wings.

It won't be long now. The desire to fly will overcome their fear. They understand that they are not alone.

Dad calls sounds of encouragement from another branch. It's time, babies. It's time. You can trust your wings.

He brings them more food. They will need their strength for their first flight. He understands. It's time, babies.

COME TO THE EDGE

Come to the edge.

We might fall.

Come to the edge.

It’s too high!

COME TO THE EDGE!

And they came,

And he pushed,

And they flew.

~Christopher Logue~

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Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they've been dreaming of. 

Carla is currently running an annual fundraiser to help folks who can't afford coaching. Please take a look at this page to hear from a couple of pro bono clients, see what cool bonuses she is offering, and to learn more.

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life plus framable (high resolution) images and quotes that I have created just for my subscribers to inspire you. It's my way of saying thank you for your time and attention. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.

Relax Your Grip

When we are grasping, clutching, or clinging, whether to an idea, person, situation, political stance, or belief, we may find that our focus becomes very small, limited, and rigid. In this state, we may not be able to see clearly in order to find our way. Instead we may become frustrated and ineffectual.

In college, I spent many days rock climbing and rappelling. I loved it! We were out on the cliffs at least once a week. I remember doing some crazy stunts like hooking into the rope backwards and going down the cliff headfirst. We had no fear most of the time.

I remember the first time I climbed a particularly exposed cliff wall. The cliff looked out over the valley and the Tennessee River. It wasn’t a difficult climb but it felt harder and trickier because it was quite exposed. I felt like I was hanging out there and I was scared. My reaction was to cling to the wall—pressing my body into the rock. The problem was that in grasping and clinging, I could no longer see nor negotiate my next move. I was stuck there.

I was stuck until I relaxed my grip and stopped clinging. I was stuck until I pushed out from the rock a bit so that I could survey my situation more broadly. I was stuck until I realized that the expansiveness was glorious and beautiful, and nothing to be afraid of. At that point, I could see my next handhold. I was able to move beyond the limited perspective of fear and see that there was a way to safely navigate the climb after all.

There was nothing to fear. I was safely tied to the rope. The climb was actually easy. All I had to do was push out enough to see what was before me and make the move that was immediately available to me.

Life is no different. When we stop clinging to stressful thoughts, beliefs, or perspectives, our mind returns to its natural state of clarity. We remember that we are tied safely to the rope of life and we are able to find our next handhold. 

I welcome your questions or comments below.

I'm currently running my annual fundraiser to help folks who can't afford coaching. Please take a look at this page to hear from a couple of pro bono clients, see what cool bonuses I'm offering, and to learn more.

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life plus framable (high resolution) images and quotes that I have created just for my subscribers to inspire you. It's my way of saying thank you for your time and attention. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.

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Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they've been dreaming of. 

The Dark Seasons of Life

Darkness and decay get a bad rap. I think of all that grows from dark decay, the necessity of it. Whole ecosystems spring from decay. There can be no life without death.

I think of all the times I resisted the dark seasons of my life and how often I struggled against death; death of a person, a dream, a relationship, a belief, an identity. 

I look back over the years and see that something was taking root in that darkness and decay.  Something rich and beautiful. I couldn’t see it at the time. I didn’t know that life was living me. I didn't understand that I had innate wellbeing despite the difficult, dark times.

Because I couldn’t feel it, I thought it didn’t exist. Could it be more accurate to say that I didn’t believe it so I couldn’t feel it? I think so.

Now I know whether or not I feel my innate wellbeing, it is always there. This understanding alone helps during times of difficulty. I can trust the darkness and decay to support life.  I know now that I don’t have to resist it. I don’t have to struggle against it. Life always springs forth again.  Always.

If you going through a difficult and dark time, go ahead and cry. Grieve. It will do a cleansing work in you. You can be assured that the storm clouds will pass. You can be certain that the light will return. Life supports you. Always.

 “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”  Julian of Norwich

I welcome your questions or comments.

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life plus framable (high resolution) images and quotes that I have created just for my subscribers to inspire you. It's my way of saying thank you for your time and attention. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.

Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they've been dreaming of. 

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Relax, Love

I have a chalkboard in my office upon which I write inspirational quotes. For a few weeks now, I’ve had this wonderful quote by Nayyirah Waheed: “You will be lost and unlost over and over again. Relax, Love. You were meant to be this glorious. Epic. Story.”

Relax, Love. Those were the words I needed to hear during my breakdown breakthrough. Relax. This too shall pass. No need to take it too seriously or too personally. This angst (depression, grief, anxiety, shame, anguish) is not who you are. The storm clouds will pass.

But I did take it seriously, very seriously. I created a tragic and melancholic saga from the stressful thoughts and emotions that were trying to pass through me. I did this innocently because I didn’t understand the inside out nature of life. I kept the stressful thinking alive and I seriously suffered as a result. For years. I didn’t know at the time that I had the capacity to handle what I was going through. That it didn’t define me. I didn’t know that it wouldn’t harm me at my core. I didn’t know that it would pass if I left it alone. I didn’t know that resilience and well-being were innate in me.

No. I analyzed it. Judged it. Diagnosed it. Medicated it. Ran from it. Barreled toward it. Escalated it. Tried to pray it away. Tried to drink it away. I misunderstood it. I became mired in shame and despair. I couldn’t find a way out. All I wanted was for it to end and I thought I had to end it. One way or another. I didn’t know that all those feelings of angst would end themselves by simply moving though me. In their own time. There was nothing to be afraid of all along. Relax, Love.

Sydney Banks, a philosopher and author, said, “If the only thing people learned was not to be afraid of their experience, that alone would change the world.” I’ve found this to be true. As I take my moods and emotions less seriously, I find that they have minimal influence over me. As I stop adding my personal thoughts on top of the impersonal thought that is naturally passing through, I’m not as affected by them. As I become aware that I am spinning stories when I reach into the past or project into the future, I relax a bit and the fog begins to clear so that I am able to see my way forward again. Relax, Love.

You see, thoughts are impersonal. They constantly arise. That’s what thought does. As we attach to them, making them personal, we feel them. That’s how we are able to have this epic human experience.

You could think of thoughts like the painter’s palette. The painter has an array of colors available to her. She chooses which she wants to create with and she leaves the others on the palette. She creates with the colors she chooses, creating form from formlessness. Thoughts are similar. They are energy moving through us but once we start painting with them, we create our unique experiences, we create our lives. That’s why you and I and every other person can react or respond to the same situation completely differently. We are painting with different colors.

When we notice ourselves caught up in complicated thinking, analyzing, judging, reaching into the past, or projecting into the future, no problem. That’s our cue to slow down and allow our thinking to settle. We don’t get to choose which thoughts arise but we do get to choose which thoughts we paint with. If we have a stressful thought arise, we could leave it on the palette.

Relax, Love. You are resilient. That is your nature. You have all you need to move through this life with its ups and down. 

I welcome your questions or comments below.

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life plus framable (high resolution) images and quotes that I have created just for my subscribers to inspire you. It's my way of saying thank you for your time and attention. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.

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Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they've been dreaming of. 

Imaginal Cells

Almost 20 years ago, I had what I call my breakdown breakthrough. It was the culmination of 5 years of desperate struggle (all in all, more like 10 years). I lost my mother, my marriage, my life-long dream of having children, my home, my credit, my faith, and I almost lost my life. Literally. It was the messiest and darkest period of my life. It was also the most transformative. Beautifully transformative.

Looking back, I see that I entered a chrysalis of sorts. When a caterpillar enters the chrysalis, it digests itself. Certain imaginal cells survive the digestion and those cells transform into something radically new.

Listen, when a person is digesting herself, it can be hard on those around her. They can’t see the metamorphosis as anything other than destruction and it scares them. Understandably. So, people try to intervene. They try to solve, fix, treat, medicate, preach, protect, or get her to snap the hell out of it. They do this because they are scared and because they love her. What else are they to do when they don’t understand metamorphosis for what it is?

It’s scary for the person going through it, too, but she hears those imaginal cells whispering words of new life to her. So, she’s flying in the dark. She’s confused and frightened. She may even believe she’s dying and, in a way, she is. She can’t see what is beyond the chrysalis.

Too often, we are afraid of our experience and emotions. We avoid them or indulge them because we take them very personally and seriously. We do this innocently because we don’t understand the inside-out nature of experience. I believe this is why my breakdown breakthrough chrysalis lasted as long as it did. I was confused. I didn’t understand that the dark transformative place would do its work and pass. I didn’t understand that I wasn’t broken. I couldn’t see my innate resilience. Yet, every now and again, I felt the pull of those imaginal cells. Had I understood that I wasn’t broken, I believe I would have moved through the metamorphosis more easily and quickly, though I still had to dissolve in order to transform. No way around that, I suppose.

I’m telling you all this because I want to invite you to be a little more hopeful and gentle when you, or someone you love, are going through a difficult time. Even if it lasts a decade or more. Neither you nor they are broken. You don’t need fixing. There is nothing wrong with you. You are whole and resilient. You have innate well-being. Always. And so do they.

You have the wisdom to navigate the darkness. I invite you to take your experience and emotions less personally, less seriously. They will pass. I promise.  I want to assure you that you are OK, even if everyone around you, including the experts, have told you otherwise. Take a deep breath and allow your revved up thinking to quiet down a bit. Feel your own imaginal cells. They may be calling to you.

As you wake up to who you truly are, you will find your way. Get support if you need or want to but seek out someone who knows you have innate well-being and who will point you back to your essence, to your own light. That's where you will find your resilience, clarity, and peace. 

I would be delighted for you to comment below.

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly inspirational newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life plus framable (high resolution) images and quotes that I have created just for my subscribers to inspire you. It's my way of saying thank you for your time and attention. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.

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Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they've been dreaming of. 

Outside In or Inside Out? It Matters.

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 Pistol

Last night, I dreamed about Oprah. She was doing some kind of performance with gorgeous white horses who had long flowing manes. It was a beautiful and perfect performance.

Sweet Sandy Sue

When she came in, she walked over to a vending machine where I was standing. I told her what a wonderful performance it was! She said, really? Are you sure? She was doubtful, insecure, tentative. I said, yes, of course! It was superb!

Tobe. My sister's horse!

You see, even Oprah has doubts about herself. Welcome to the human experience. The problem is not that we have those thoughts but that we take them so very seriously and personally. We buy into them and, by doing so, we keep them alive. You could call this contaminated thinking.

Maggie

Thinking, coupled with consciousness, creates our life experience. We are only ever dealing with our state of mind in the moment. That's how the system works. How it's meant to work.

Diana

It's what gives us our rich experience of life. It's a beautiful, creative system but most of us have a misunderstanding about how it works. This misunderstanding can cause all manner of discomfort and even suffering.

Sweet Caroline

We've grown up in a culture that has taught us to view life from the outside-in. That's the misunderstanding. We believe that what happens to us out there is what causes us to feel and experience. So, we read the books, attend the seminars, and visit our therapist, minister, or expert in order to learn the techniques and gather the tools to manage and combat our circumstances, deal with the people in our lives, and minimize our stressful feelings because what else can we do?

Rush, Sandy Sue, Shine

It's a constant game of managing all that is happening to us. No wonder we are tired! The techniques and tools can be helpful and sitting across from someone who really sees us and stays with us in a place of love can be wonderfully helpful, but somehow, we find that nice feeling and those techniques difficult to sustain and, before you know it, we're barely able to keep our heads above water again.

 Hawkeye

Once we understand that we experience life from the inside-out, we are able to find our clarity and well-being again. We are no longer at the mercy of what happens out there. We understand that our thinking about what's going on out there is the source of our feelings and experience. This understanding can be confronting in a way because it goes against everything we've ever believed, but when we take a moment to really examine it, we see how much more freedom and choice could be available to us if it were true.

 Meeko

Contaminated thinking, that is, stressful thinking that we buy into and feed, like Oprah did in the dream, is what causes our discomfort. When we turn our attention away from the contaminated thinking, we make space for new thought and clarity to arise. Thought is always arising. That's what thought does. We don't get to choose which thoughts we have but we do get to choose which thoughts we feed.

 Thunder!

This is good news because we don't have to fight our thoughts, or change our thoughts. We don't have to take our thoughts so seriously and personally. Boy, has that been a game changer for me. We can choose which to let move through and which to create our lives with. If we feed them, they will grow and we will feel and experience them. That’s the way of it.

Maggie

Practical example: Last week, I had a Facebook exchange with someone whom I love. We walk in very different worlds now and we disagree with one another on many issues. Hot bed issues, like politics and religion. I try very hard not to engage in Facebook exchanges like that because I know they are useless. On this day, and it’s not the only time, I got caught up in a thought that was passing through. How can these people think like this? I’ve got to convince them otherwise! Really, the thought was just passing through, but I brought it to a full stop and I fed it. Man, did I feed it. Let me tell you, it didn’t feel good. Not for a moment did it feel good. And taking action on that contaminated thought did absolutely no one any good. It did not deepen our love. It did not deepen our connection or understanding. It probably did deepen the divide. And I felt awful (and self-righteous, superior, and justified, dammit!, but not good).

Peyton & Meeko

Here’s the thing, once I fed the thought, it grew exponentially and seemed to take on a life of its own. That’s how powerful thought is! My friend’s beliefs, ideas, and comments did not cause my feelings but what I thought about what she believes had everything to do with how I felt. How can I be certain? Because there are many times that the same situation is at hand and I feel neutral or maybe even love. It can’t be her. It can’t be the situation or I would react the same way every time. It has to be my thoughts about the situation. Once I understand this, I am free to allow the stressful thought to pass without having to act on it. I’m free to wait for a new thought to arise, a new insight to occur, that will allow me to respond from a place of love if a response is needed at all.

Meeko and Ashley

This is how thought works. This is how our experiences are created. No two people experience the same situation, circumstance, or person the same way because we are living from the inside-out. We are only ever living in the feeling of thought in the moment.

Tobe

Don't believe me, really examine it. See if it’s true in your life. Notice when someone cuts you off in traffic one day and you rage and when it happens another day and you are perfectly calm. There are a million examples like this. Just notice. Notice the stories you tell yourself about the circumstance on this particular day. Notice how these stories themselves are the source of your feelings, not what’s happening out there. Just notice. Once you see, once you understand, it will be like understanding and aligning yourself with gravity and not falling down as much anymore. You will flow with life a little more easily as you understand how this human system works. Life is experienced unfailingly from the inside-out and a fresh thought is always on the horizon.

I would be delighted to hear what you think in a comment below.

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly inspirational newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life plus framable (high resolution) images and quotes that I have created just for my subscribers to inspire you. It's my way of saying thank you for your time and attention. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.