Why Do I feel Irritable and What Can I Do About It?

I awoke in an irritable mood this morning. My little toe hurt. A mosquito bit me between two other toes and it burned all night. My hip hurt. I was tired. It was my day to run and workout. I was worried about hurting my toe further. I didn’t want anything getting in the way of my hard-won workout groove.

I dragged my butt out and hit the trails. Pedro was being ultra slow with all his sniffing. I was being cautious with my toe. Something was in my shoe. I noticed my furrowed brow. I became curious.

Did I really wake up irritable? What is irritability? Can I parse out what’s happening here? Becoming more curious, I followed the irritation. I could see that I had certain sensations: itchy, burning, pressure. I could see that my energy was on the low end. Sensations and low energy. Is that irritability?

I could also see that it was a beautiful morning. Birdsong filled the forest. A lovely breeze played over the trees. I could smell a hint of salt in the air. Frogs ribbited. Turtles sunned. I was walking with my precious boy dog and my love but my attention was elsewhere.

It occurred to me that the irritation was nothing more than focused thoughts and the meaning I gave to the sensations and energy level. The sensations and energy were not a problem. They were neutral. They only seemed to be a problem when I attached a bunch of stressful thinking to them. “Here I’ve worked so hard to get in a good exercise pattern and my little toe is going to stop me.” “Why does something always happen to get in the way of my exercising!” “What’s wrong with me that I’m so irritable?” “My whole day will be ruined!” "Waaahh!" You could call that exponential thinking. Thinking upon thinking upon thinking. 

I could see clearly as I watched myself that the irritability was about my thinking, not about the sensations and energy. Once I saw it, I was able to take those thoughts less seriously and allow them to move through me. I was able to relax a bit and just be with the sensations and low energy without attaching all kinds of meaning to them. As I did that, the irritation began to subside. I could see that trying to positive-think my way into a better frame of mind wasn’t necessary. I could see that trying to “fix” the sensations and low energy wasn’t necessary.

As I removed the stories from the sensations and energy level, I could see that they were neutral. They weren’t a problem. Yes, I was cautious with my toe but I was no longer worried or stressed about it; I simply took care of it. Yes, Pedro was still trailing behind but it was no longer personal.

You see, we create our experience via our thinking. Sensations, energy, and draggy dogs are not a problem. It’s the stories, the meaning, the exponential thinking we attach to those sensations, energy, and draggy dogs that create our experience. I could not see this for decades. Now I can. Except, of course, when I can’t.

You may be thinking, OK, so it’s bad to be irritatable and I should try to stop it. Well, no, it’s not a problem feeling irritable, afraid, or low but you don’t have to make negative meaning out of it. You don’t have to feed it. You don't have act on it. And it is not you. But, guess what? If you do feed it, that’s not a problem either. It just means that you are going to feel it more strongly. If you feed irritability, you will feel irritable. That’s how the human system is designed to work. Your system is working perfectly.

As you allow the thoughts of irritability to move along, the feelings of irritability will flow with them. If not this moment, then the next. If not today, then tomorrow or the next day. I can't tell you when they will move along, only that they will. That's what thoughts and feelings do. There is no need to be worried about them. As you allow them to flow, you may notice that they aren't as sticky. You may notice that you can hear the birds singing from time to time or catch yourself smiling at your animal friend or child.

Like clouds parting and forming, parting and forming, so are thoughts and feelings. The clear sky of your wellbeing is always present despite the clouds. You can count on it.

I always welcome and appreciate your comments. You can find the comment box below.

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Schedule a Taster Session to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's commitment is to help her clients overcome self-doubt and anxiety and return to confidence and peace in their everyday lives.

Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts or Low Feelings

A couple of big names were in the news this past week. Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain committed suicide days apart. People are talking about it. I began wondering about the other 850+ non-famous people who’ve committed suicide this week alone. I’d like to know their names. I’d like to remember them, too.

The CDC says that the suicide rate in the US has increased more than 25% since 1999. 1999 was my darkest year. Suicide had become a viable option for me. In February of 2000, I went to the brink and ended up in the ER, then intensive care. I know what it’s like to feel hopeless. I know what it’s like to believe that there is no way out of the despair. I know what it’s like to be consumed by shame and fear. If only I had known that the desperate thoughts and feelings would pass. If only I had known that I was resilient and whole despite how it all seemed. If only Kate, Anthony, and countless other people had known.

This is why I do the work I do. I want people to know. I want them to know that desperate thoughts and feelings pass. I want them to know that they are not those thoughts and feelings. I want them to know their own wellbeing and resilience.

You see, no matter how it may seem at this very moment, you are whole. You have innate wellbeing and resiliency. It may be that no one has ever told you. It may be that you’ve been told all your life that you are broken. It may be that you’ve come to believe it. I believed it. That belief was devastating. No matter how it looks to you at this moment, you are not broken; you only believe that you are. That belief is causing you tremendous suffering. Your essence cannot be broken. If you listen deeply, you may feel the truth of this, if only for a nanosecond. It’s no less true if you can’t.

Listen, it’s OK if you don’t believe it. I’ll believe it for you until you can. I believe it with all my heart. I believe in you. I see your light. I see your wholeness. If you can’t, it’s OK. It makes it no less true. You’ve only forgotten. You could remember at any moment. These desperate thoughts and feelings will pass. They will. That’s what thoughts and feelings do. They are not you. They are not permanent.

When we are in the throes of the devasting thoughts and emotions, they feel utterly and overwhelmingly real. They are supposed to feel real, that’s how this human system works. I get it. I understand. I’ve been there. All the way down. Sometimes it’s at the very bottom that we get a taste of who we really are, of our divinity. Over the Rhine has a line in their song, Nobody Number One, that I love: “I’m so far down, I’m beginning to breathe”. That’s what happened to me. I went all the way down and it was there that I found I could breathe. It was there that I touched my essence.

Sydney Banks, a philosopher and writer, said: “If the only thing people learned was not to be afraid of their experience, that alone would change the world.” I believe it. I was so afraid of feeling down. I was so afraid of feeling shame. I was so afraid of feeling alone. I was so afraid of feeling afraid. I did not know that I could have touched it all more lightly. I did not know that I could have taken them less seriously and personally. I did not know that they were not me. I did not know that they would pass. Despite not knowing, they passed anyway but I kept them alive for much longer than necessary and I suffered greatly as a result. Now I know that thoughts, feelings, and circumstances pass. Now I know that I don’t have to take them so very personally and seriously. Now I know that I can find my way through. This is possible for you, too. It is.

If you are feeling suicidal:

  1. Reach out for support. I’d be happy to have a conversation with you or you could call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255
  2.  Remind yourself, whether or not you can feel it, that you are whole. You are resilient. You are made of star-stuff. You are divinity. If you can't remind yourself, find someone who can.
  3. Remember that thoughts and feelings want to move through you. That’s what they do. They are not permanent. They are not you. Imagine watching them pass without attaching to them. They cannot hurt you. You could think of them as a dream that you will wake up from or a fantastically immersive movie that will end.
  4. Instead of adding to the desperate thoughts and feelings with more thought and analysis, you could bring your attention back into the present moment. Feel your body in your chair. Feel how that chair supports you. Notice your breath, the inhale, the exhale. You are created for this present moment, not a future or past moment. Bring your attention back to this very moment. 
  5. You could notice that even in the midst of the despair, a puppy, an unexpected smile from a stranger, the wind caressing your skin can still make you smile at times. That could be a reminder to you that thoughts and feelings come and go. Notice it or you may miss it.
  6. Remind yourself that countless people have found their way through. You can, too. I could never have imagined 20 years ago how good life could be for me and how much like a distant and fading dream those desperate years feel to me now. Don’t give up. You are resilient. There is a way through this.
  7. Reach out for support. Yes, some things need to be said twice. Humans are relational beings. If no one around you is supportive then call the hotline or contact me. There are those who want to help.

As you wake up to who you truly are, you will find your way. Get support from someone who knows you have innate well-being and who will point you back to your essence, to your own light. That's where you will find your resilience, clarity, and peace. There is hope. There is hope.

This song brings tears to my eyes because I can breathe again and I wasn't sure that was going to be possible 20 years ago. There is hope.

I always welcome and appreciate your comments. You can find the comment box below.

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Can I Change Someone I Love?

I had a conversation with friends this weekend that had us all very thoughtful. We were talking about the people in our lives who struggle with addictions of one sort or another. Every one of us in that conversation has had someone close to us caught in desperate addiction. It’s difficult seeing someone we love throwing away their lives, or so it seems. We wondered if it’s possible to change someone we love and what to do if we can’t.

I’ve been on both sides of the addiction issue. My beautiful mother was an alcoholic and I went to the mat with alcohol myself during my break-down break-through. I almost didn’t survive it and I know people who haven’t. It can be excruciatingly painful to watch someone we love in the throes of it all. It can be terrifying not knowing if they will make it through to the other side. We can become desperate to change them just as I was desperate to change my mother.

As my friends and I were talking, I told them that I was surprised to find that the only thing I truly regret since my mother’s death, is that I tried to change her. If I could have one conversation with my mother today, it would be to apologize for that. It would be to tell her how differently I see it all now. How differently I see her now.

You see, I don’t believe it’s possible to change another person. I believe that change comes from within. Always. I believe that when we attempt to change another, we set ourselves up for even more suffering and I don’t believe it’s particularly helpful to the other person.

In my desperation to change my mother, I had all kinds of expectations that I put on myself and on her. I felt tremendous angst and pressure, from myself, to help her. She felt pressure to change for me and other family members, but the change she attempted was not from within her so it didn’t last. Change happens through insight, not from outside pressure or expectations.

I can remember the church trying to change me. I remember feeling tremendous pressure and then shame when I couldn’t change or sustain the change they wanted. I remember the few close friends near me during my break-down break-through who were pressuring me, innocently, to change. I couldn’t do it… until I could, and that came through insight, not from pressure. The shame I felt was partly why I couldn’t change. I couldn’t see my innate wellbeing. That’s no one’s fault but my own but it’s part of what was going on for me at the time. I know mama felt shame.

You see, when we are consumed by shame, we forget that we have innate wellbeing. We forget that we are not broken. We forget our resilience. We lose touch with ourselves and that is devastating. When that happens, some of us go down the path of addiction. Some of us go down the path of anger and manipulation. Some of us go down the path of depression and anxiety. Some of us go down the path of self-righteousness. There are many paths.

So, what can we do if someone won’t change? I believe that all we can do is love them. Love them without expectation. Love them without judgment. Love them without the demand that they change. Love them from your place of wellbeing, knowing that they, too, have wellbeing, even if you or they can’t see it right now.

That does not mean that you stay in harm’s way. That does not mean that you don’t have boundaries. That does not mean that you don’t take care of yourself. That does not mean that you don’t offer support if that seems the thing to do. That’s not to say that if someone commits a crime we just let them go on their merry way. It may mean we lock them up for everyone’s safety but what if instead of seeing them as criminal, we see them as whole and forgetting their wholeness? How might we treat them differently? How might we support them? What if we saw the addict as whole? 

I believe that the most helpful thing we can do for another is to trust them on their path, even if their path looks destructive to us. I had two people during my darkest times who absolutely trusted me and loved me despite how it all appeared. They reflected back to me my innate wellbeing and wholeness. I don’t know if anyone did that for mama. It made a difference.

What if we did that for one another? What if we reflected back to those around us who are in desperate straits, pure love and acceptance? What if we reflected back to them their wellbeing and resilience? Look, it’s no one’s responsibility to save or change another. It’s our responsibility to change ourselves and we can do that when we remember our innate wellbeing. And by remembering that those we love have innate wellbeing, too, then we can offer support and love without expectation and demands.

Everyone is on their own personal journey. We cannot understand what another is going through. We cannot possibly know what’s best for them. 

We cannot possibly know what's best for them.

Yes, I said that twice and it may need to be said repeatedly. All we can do is love them.

I know firsthand that what I’m saying could sound simplistic and naïve. It is simple but it’s not necessarily easy, especially when we aren’t in touch with our own wellbeing. Just do the best you can. Open with love and try to stay with love. You know when you’re coming from love and when you’re not. Love is not controlling, manipulative, anxious, coercive, self-righteous, or judgmental.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8

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How to Find Peace When the World is Falling Apart

I sent out a survey a couple of weeks ago asking folks about their main life stressors. Some folks are concerned about the state of the world, both politically and environmentally. They are feeling anxiety and deep sadness, as well as a sense of powerlessness. I understand.

When I get caught up in political divisiveness and all the ills of the world, I can get sucked down the rabbit hole of despair, too. I can feel overwhelmed and powerless, also. It doesn’t take more than a few minutes to become completely absorbed and riddled with anxiety.

Nicole Bird is a wonderful, insightful coach whom I follow. This morning she sent out a brilliant blog post called, What Facebook Has to Teach Us About Anxiety. I hope you'll take a couple of minutes to read her post. In a nutshell, she is comparing our thoughts to our Facebook feed. Facebook is constantly updating our feed and, whatever we click on, Facebook gives us more like it. If I click on despair, I’ll get more despair. If I click on divisiveness, I’ll get more divisiveness. If I click on puppies, I'll get more puppies!

This is how our thoughts work, too. Whichever thoughts we “click on” become the thoughts that show up in our mind’s “feed” more often. If I want to feel less anxiety and more inspiration, then I need to stop clicking on the stressful thoughts and let them move along. No need to fight, control, or change them, rather, stop clicking and let them move on. The algorithms of my mind will show them less often when I stop clicking on them. This understanding is important regarding Facebook algorithms and our minds’ algorithms as it relates to finding peace and making a difference in the world because what we click on becomes our felt reality. 

So, you want to make a difference but you feel anxious, sad, or a trembling outrage. My question to you is this: What would happen if you stopped consuming the articles of horror? What would happen if you’d let your nervous system calm down a bit from the constant onslaught? What would happen if you tapped into your innate resilience and wellbeing and recognized the same in those around you? How might you show up differently in the world? What would become clear to you about your role in a world full of injustice? Of course, you can't possibly know as long as you are caught in the onslaught.

When we are consumed with overwhelm, fear, or rage, I believe our effectiveness is severely diminished. I remember at the time of my deepest depression, 20 years ago, I sat on the couch for weeks at a time watching the Kosovo War on television. I watched for hours a day becoming more and more depressed and despairing. The depression and despair rendered me absolutely incapable of effectual action. You see, I couldn’t do a damn thing about the Kosovo War. I truly couldn’t. But by going down the rabbit hole of despair and becoming consumed with what I couldn’t do, I was unable to see the difference I could make in the world. Instead, I did nothing. Instead, I became what consumed me.

When we become overwhelmed with the outrageous injustices in the world by our constant “clicking” (which we do innocently), we lose sight of all the good in the world (there is plenty!) and we lose sight of what we can do in the face of injustices. When we are consumed with guilt, overwhelm, rage, or apathy, we lose sight that we can make a difference and how. When we stop clicking on horror articles and thoughts, we can settle down, let the barrage clear, and connect with our innate wisdom. We can connect with the good, the true, and the beautiful which will buoy us. From that place, we can see what action is needed and how to take it. We may even find joy.

We can make a difference. Mother Teresa said, “If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one.” We could feed the one. We could feed the one. It makes a difference. It makes a difference to that one and it makes a difference to the world. If we could understand that we don’t have to save the world, then maybe we’d be free to feed the one. Imagine.

When we stop clicking on the stressful articles and stressful thoughts, our innate wellbeing and peace can surface again. From that place, we could change the world.

If you'd like to take the survey I mentioned at the beginning, you can find it here. Your answers give me ideas for writing meaningful blog posts and I would appreciate your time.

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Schedule a Taster Session to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's commitment is to help her clients move from anxiety and self-doubt to confidence and inspiration in their everyday lives.

How to Let Go of Self-Doubt

I’ve been reflecting on my clients and on many folks whom I know. I’ve noticed that many people struggle with self-doubt and lack of confidence even though they are clearly smart, capable, creative, and resourceful.

The theme of self-doubt emerges repeatedly. I see it all around me. Self-doubt can lead to all manner of symptoms: lack of confidence, anxiety, depression, insomnia, under-earning, over spending, weight gain, diminished creativity, relational conflict, isolation, distraction, and much more. Can you relate? I see folks who are brilliant, shining lights who hide that light. They suffer as a result and the rest of the world misses out on their brilliance.

Looking back, I can see how true it has been for me, too. I call myself a late bloomer because I lacked confidence for so much of my life. Shame and anxiety were crippling at times. I was capable, smart, and resourceful all along, yet, I continually doubted myself. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t believe I was OK. Until recent years.

My mama was a bright light who faded out over the years and I believe so much of that was because of her self-doubt. I think her fading light has been a huge motivator for me to figure out this self-doubt issue.

I see it in other folks, too. They have a multitude of gifts to offer the world but hold back because of self-doubt. Hiding, dimming their light. So many live unfulfilled lives devoid of the deep meaning they desire and are capable of living. Do you experience this? I understand. I’ve lived it.

When I reflect on how I have been able to move through the self-doubt, two things come to mind. One, I have always had someone come alongside me to offer guidance. Someone who believed in me. Someone who saw my light and reflected it back to me. Not perfectly, mind you, but enough for me to catch a glimpse of my true essence. I do this for my clients. I reflect back to them the light I see in them. I reflect back to them their brilliance. It’s easy to do because it’s so clear to me.

Two, I have come to understand how we create our realities. I used to think that life happened to me and I had to manage, conquer, control, avoid, or suffer it. Boy, did I suffer. Now, I understand that at our essence, we are whole. We’re OK! As Pema Chodron says, you are the sky, everything else is just the weather.

I also understand that we create our reality via our thinking. We cannot control our thoughts but we can turn our attention away from them or towards them. The thoughts we buy into, we feel, thereby creating our reality. I bought into the self-doubt thoughts and they defined my life for decades. I totally experienced it as if I were it. That’s how this human system is designed. We feel what we think. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Self-doubt is a thought we buy into. Innocently. By buying into it, it feels incredibly real, as it is supposed to feel. When we regard it as real, we find all kinds of “proof” that it is true. My “proof”? Bankruptcy, foreclosure, struggles with alcohol, failed relationships, and more. These things appeared to support my self-doubt. In truth, these things were not proof that I wasn’t capable, rather they were the result of me buying into self-doubt. I acted or didn’t act from a place of self-doubt rather than from a place of clarity, wellbeing, and wisdom, all of which are innate.

There is always a new thought on the horizon. We get to choose which thoughts we will feed and which we will leave alone. If we leave them alone, they will pass. Neuroscience shows the truth of this. When we trend a neural pathway repeatedly, it becomes all the more ingrained. The minute we stop treading it, it grows over.

This is fantastic news! I no longer have to buy into my thoughts of self-doubt. When I don’t buy into them, the self-doubt pathway grows over just as an untrod path in the woods grows over. I don’t have to take thoughts of self-doubt personally or seriously anymore and neither do you. It’s not that we won’t have them, it’s that we no longer have to entertain them. They are no longer the enemy, rather, they are neutral, no longer having power over us.

How does this work practically? Well, let’s say you’ve come up with an idea that you’ve never attempted before or you’re facing an extremely challenging situation. It feels completely out of your wheel house. Without the understanding that your true essence is whole and that you create your reality via your thinking, you may begin to worry that you won’t be OK. You might begin to attach to the thoughts that tell you you’re not capable, that you’re not smart enough to find your way, that others won’t understand, that you will surely fail. Your thinking revs up. I'm sure you know exactly what I mean. You begin spinning stories. Your thinking exponentially multiplies and you may find yourself utterly overwhelmed and paralyzed as a result.

When you understand that your wellbeing is innate and cannot be harmed, you are more likely to try new things and to find your way through challenging situations with more ease. When you allow your thinking to settle down, you have more clarity to move forward. You are no longer afraid to experiment. You feel more confidence. But even if you do feel fear, you don’t take it as seriously and personally. It becomes neutral. You’re clear, settled. If you're not, you know to wait. Once settled, you can see your next step when you need it. Always.

You get to experiment. You get to create. You get to give your gifts. You can trust your resilience, resourcefulness, and wellbeing. They've been there all along.

I'd love to hear how it is for you. Leave a comment in box below. I'd be delighted.

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Fear and Divisiveness

“Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open.  You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.” Ralph Marston

I had a conversation with a friend the other day that disturbed me.  I found myself tensing up as we talked.  I felt some anxiety in my stomach and breath.  I had to intentionally breathe through the anxiety so as not to react in an unkind way with my own thoughts of being right.

I am blessed to have people in my life from all sorts of backgrounds and beliefs: conservative, liberal, straight, gay, Christian, Hindu, Atheist, rich, poor, and so forth.  I’m blessed because such diversity enriches and deepens my life. Truly.

I’ve been in some of those camps at one time or another and I’ve been quite staunch.  I was a staunch fundamentalist Christian and conservative for decades. After my break-down break-through, I became a staunch liberal and environmentalist. I learned valuable life lessons in each of those camps that have served me well and I learned things that were unhelpful and even harmful. In each of those camps, it was us versus them. My way or the highway whether or not that was explicitly stated.

I’m not so staunch anymore. It’s not that I can’t be or don’t feel the pull to be, rather it’s that I understand how staunchness can shut us down and disconnect us from those who are unlike us. I don’t want that. It doesn’t feel good to me. It’s not effective as we can see so clearly in our current political climate. The divisiveness is dangerous and toxic.

Back to my friend. She had been listening to a talk show host and was on a rant about “those Muslims”.  This friend is someone whom I respect and appreciate. She has a huge and generous heart.  She is kind and enjoys helping those in need.  As I listened to her rant, I could hear her anger. That much was apparent, but as I listened more deeply, I could also hear her fear. She was afraid.

How many times have you seen a conservative friend go up against a liberal friend, or liberal against conservative, on Facebook or in other casual conversation?  How many times have you heard it on the television or radio. It ain’t pretty. When our minds close around an issue, it becomes impossible to hear one another or even, it seems, to be kind.

I think back to the tightness in my stomach when my friend was talking. I realize that the tightness was anger and beneath that was fear. I wanted to react—lash out even. I realized that my fear was about people separating themselves from each other based on culture, religion, sexuality, or anything else.  I wanted desperately for my friend to see that we are all connected. I wanted her to see this because I’m afraid of what the separateness is doing to us and to the world at large. However, from a place of anger and fear, I contract and disconnect, which prevents real dialogue, openness, and love and assures the very disconnection that I fear. See how that works?

When I hear the judgmental, superior, rigid, and arrogant voices ranting about this and that on Facebook, Fox News, or CNN, I first must recognize that voice within me if, in fact, I am truly interested in love and connection. It’s easy to recognize. It’s unpleasant and necessary. This voice resides in me every bit as strongly as it does in anyone else. It overtakes me at times, too. I must recognize the voice for what it is: thoughts I’ve brought to life by attaching to them, by feeding them, by taking them so very seriously and personally.

Secondly, I must listen more deeply to what’s beneath the anger, superiority, or arrogance. When I listen for what’s beneath it and when I can recognize that the person is simply believing her or his own thoughts, just as I do all too often, then I can tap into my compassion and empathy. If I believed what they believed, I’d be saying and doing exactly what they are saying and doing. This understanding truly helps me tap into my compassion and empathy. This, then, can enable connection rather than disconnection. Most people long to connect. When we drop the certainty, rigidity, and judgment, connection becomes possible again.  

My friend and others who are ranting and raving are often doing so out of fear. Fear that the “Muslim” will kill everyone. Fear that the “religious right” will take away all our freedoms. Fear that the “liberals” will ruin the country. Fear that the “homosexuals” will destroy the institution of marriage. Fear that there won’t be enough money. The list is surprisingly long. Fear is a physiological response to danger. It is a bodily function meant to alert, not meant to become a state of mind. When it becomes a state of mind then all hell breaks loose.

Fear as a state of mind abounds in this culture.

Fear oppresses.
Fear restricts.
Fear separates.

We suffer.

How do we step out of the state of fear and dangerous divisiveness?  How do we hear one another, despite our differences?  How do we treat one another with respect, compassion, and kindness no matter our religion, political leaning, culture, sexuality, financial standing, race, etc.?  How do we come to understand that we are all connected? 

  1. We could recognize the fear within ourselves. It starts from within. We could recognize our own arrogance, rigidity, and judgment. We could take responsibility for it and calm ourselves down in the moment by getting grounded. From this place of ground, we will have a better chance of seeing the other’s perspective.
  2. We could remind ourselves that we are all living in our own reality. If I believed as you believe, I’d be seeing, saying, and doing the same thing you see, say, and do. This understanding alone can give us a tremendous amount of compassion and a better understanding of the other’s perspective.
  3. We could look for common ground. In most cases, we have far more that we do agree on than we don’t. If we worked from that place of agreement, we’d weaken polarization and strengthen connection.
  4. We could choose love and connection over being right. Love covers a multitude of wrongs and feels so much better.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
— Rumi

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Going Over Conversations in Your Head

I don’t know about you, but I am a master at imagining and replaying conversations in my head. Past conversations. Future conversations. Conversations I will never have but could have in some alternate reality, I suppose. I imagine what I’m going to say in a particular scenario or go back over a conversation that I’ve already had. Over and over again. Judging, planning, scheming, worrying. Do you do this, too?

Some call this rumination, overanalysis, or even social anxiety. Whatever it is, I’ve had plenty of it in my life. It can be our misguided way of trying to control anxiety but this kind of rumination leads to more anxiety. I'm sure you've already figured that out.

When I get caught up in this mode, I can feel pretty stressed and even bad about myself. When I can bring my attention to what I’m doing, I notice that I’m going over and over something that doesn’t exist. A past conversation is over. A future conversation hasn’t happened, and it won’t. That is to say, there is no way to predict how a conversation will go. Ever.  Trying to do so may give us an illusion of control but it’s still an illusion.

I was walking with Pedro today in the woods. No one was out there. I didn’t have Pedro’s comfortable harness with me so I took him off the leash in a place I won’t normally do so. As we were walking, all alone, I began imagining seeing someone in the distance approaching us. I imagined they would be angry to see Pedro off leash. I imagined quickly snapping the leash on Pedro before the person got close to us. I imagined her getting to us and fussing at me for having Pedro off the leash for even a moment. I imagined telling her that he is on the leash now and posed no threat. I imagined her going on and on and me defending myself. I imagined getting angry and impatient with her. Phew! That is just how creative I am!

I even began to feel a tad guilty and irritated! Of course I did, because we are always living in the feeling of our thinking. We create our reality moment to moment via our thoughts. That’s how powerful and creative the human system is.

The Pedro scenario happened quickly and I was able to realize what I was doing. Seeing that, I brought my attention back to the present moment and allowed the thoughts to move along, as thoughts will do when left alone. When we don’t allow them to move along by attaching to and feeding them, they can become overwhelming and can obscure us from what is present to us in the moment.

Pedro off leash was a silly example but it’s not so silly when I’m worried about a conversation with a challenging co-worker or family member or judging a conversation I’ve had in the past. I still remember a one sentence comment I made decades ago. One second too late, I realized that it was mildly insensitive though I didn’t intend it that way. I replayed that one sentence for years. Years! And that’s not the only sentence I’ve replayed. Can you relate?

I no longer torture myself with replaying past or imagining future conversations, for the most part, and I am much more relaxed which enables me to be more present in the conversations I have in the moment. When conversations are conducted in the present moment, we have more clarity and are able to access the wisdom we need for that conversation. In the moment.

That’s not to say that I can’t remind myself of a past conversation, note what I’d like to do differently, learn from that, and take that understanding into new conversations. It’s not to say that I can’t prepare for future conversations by being clear on what I want to convey and even outlining my points if I think that could be helpful. But in doing so, we could notice when we begin to feel ramped up, stressed out, or fearful. Those feelings of stress are useful because they can wake us up to the fact that we have become lost in the past or the future, neither of which exist.

The remedy? You could bring your attention back to the present moment. Often, a simple, “You can stop now, Carla”, is enough to bring me back to the present moment. Awareness, alone, can be enough to loosen the grip of stressful thinking. If it doesn't loosen its grip right then, it will. In time. Always.

In the woods with Pedro, all I needed to do was bring my attention to what was present, instead of to the made up woman. The beautiful live oaks. The curious anhinga. The mating cardinals. The call of the pileated woodpecker. Pedro’s wagging tail. The smell of the salty air and earthy mud of the tidal creek. I begin to settle.

When my attention is on the present moment, I find a clarity and wisdom available. I find that I have what I need for this moment. As Jamie Smart says, We are built for the reality of this moment. We are not built for the past. We are not built for the future. We are built for right here and right now. In this moment, you have all you need.

You could make my day by leaving a comment in the comment box below. 

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.

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Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they most desire. 

You May Not Know

My mama's birthday was yesterday, April 30th. It's hard to believe that she died over 22 years ago. I was utterly devastated when she died. My whole world turned upside. Grandmother lived to be 92 and I had always believed that the women in my family were meant to live long. Not mama.

At the same time, my then husband and I were trying to get pregnant. We’d been trying for several years by that point. Being a wife and mother were all I had ever imagined for myself. Another blow, or so it felt at the time. Something about being motherless and childless felt difficult to me.

I don’t know why mama’s death rocked me so. I don’t know why I fell completely apart. We hadn’t even lived in the same state for over a decade. I didn’t see her frequently though I did see her regularly. Holidays and such. But we were close. 

What is about the mama? She carries us all those months, keeping us safe until we can breathe. She gives us our first taste of life. Without the mama we wouldn’t be in this world. Maybe I thought I could no longer exist when she died. I decided I couldn’t. 

And because of that decision: My life fell apart. My marriage. My dreams of motherhood. My faith. My finances. My sobriety. My friendships. My sexual identity. My felt sense of wellbeing. Everything, or so it seemed.

It took me five dark and messy years to see the gift in falling apart so utterly. Leonard Cohen says, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” I didn’t realize how completely I had to crack so that I could return to the light of my own wellbeing. I didn’t know how transformative it would be. I didn’t know the freedom possible for me. I didn’t know. Yet, it was always there. I was never actually separated from it. I only believed I was and therefore I felt I was and it felt real. But it wasn't. I didn’t know.

I suffered. Until I cracked and the light flooded me. I was free again. I could breathe. I always could. I didn't know.

You may not know, either. You may not know that what you are facing right now has the potential to crack you open to the transformative light. You may not know. You may feel desperate and totally alone, as I did. You may not know that you are not alone. You are not broken. Yes, there is brokenness all around you but that brokenness is not you. It may be that at some point along the way, you came to believe that the brokenness was you and that belief feels real to you. It is not. You are not broken.

Pema Chodron says, “You are the sky. Everything else – it’s the weather.” You are the expansive sky. If you are caught in a hurricane of desperate winds and raging storms right now, remind yourself that the hurricane will pass. You are not the hurricane. You are the sky. Yes, there may be some clean up and repairs that are needed for the exterior things after the hurricane has passed, but your essence remains unharmed.

We suffer horribly when we don’t understand that our essence can’t be harmed. During those five years after mama died, I thought I was terribly damaged and doomed. Believing those thoughts almost killed me. In cracking open, the light entered, shining on my innate wellbeing and resilience. This is the greatest gift my mother, or anyone, has ever given me. This gift is available to you, too. I'm certain of it because you already possess wellbeing... you just may not know.

“The birds, they sang at the break of day
Start again, I heard them say
Don't dwell on what has passed away
Or what is yet to be… “ ~ Leonard Cohen

Happy birthday, dear mama.

 

 

 

You could make my day by leaving a comment in the comment box below. 

Contact Carla to learn more about coaching and how you could benefit. Carla's total commitment is to help her clients wake up and live the life they most desire. 

By the way, I offer Free Well-Being Resources for anyone who subscribes to my weekly newsletter. You will receive inspirational tools to support you in returning to a place of clarity and wellbeing in your day to day life plus framable (high resolution) images and quotes that I have created just for my subscribers to inspire you. It's my way of saying thank you for your time and attention. These tools, quotes, and images are completely free of charge and can be accessed instantly when you sign up for the newsletter.