Life is a roller coaster. We know this but sometimes we believe it shouldn't be so. In this video, I give you some tips about what to do and what not to do when you are feeling down. It may be a little different perspective than you are accustomed to so take a listen.
You can download the transcript if you prefer to read rather than listen.
It's not easy standing up in this crazy world right now. It's not easy having your voice. There is so much noise and meanness out there but the world needs you. Your unique voice. Your unique gifts. Your unique light.
You can download the transcript if you prefer to read rather than listen.
There is a lot of noise out there right now and that noise tends to divide us. I believe that solutions will be found only as we come together. But how can we with such extreme views? I offer a tip here. I believe it begins with self-awareness and clarity. Take a listen.
You can download the transcript if you prefer to read rather than listen.
What do you believe it means to be your best self? In this video, I describe a misunderstanding about what it means to be our best selves and what we can do instead. You CAN be your best self and it may be easier than you think. Give the video a listen and let me know how it is for you in the comments below.
You can download the transcript if you prefer to read rather than listen.
I used to suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. My personality lends itself to being overly analytical, and when you add being a therapist and coach on top of that, you’ve got a power keg of analysis.
When I woke up depressed or anxious, I would become very worried about it. I would try to figure out what was wrong, what had happened, what I had done or what I hadn’t done that I should’ve done to cause this awful feeling. The harder I tried to analyze it the more confused I became, the less clarity I had, and the deeper I would sink into the depression or anxiety.
Once I sunk far enough, I would often resort to playing melancholic music, over-drinking, or over-eating, and generally shaming myself sometimes for hours on end. I would feel terribly sorry for myself and more and more insecure. I found myself spiraling into depression or anxiety day after day, month after month, year after year.
In traditional therapy, I was encouraged to talk repeatedly about my family problems, my personal problems, and all that was not right with the world. While it was helpful to sit across from a therapist who saw me, cared for me, and accepted me (hugely helpful), I can see now that I was keeping my depression and anxiety alive through delving into my stories of sadness and stress again and again and again.
In my therapy practice, I can remember working with clients and encouraging them to go into their stories of stress and sadness repeatedly, and I watched their pain and suffering continue. I didn’t know any better at the time but I know now. I’m not suggesting that we don’t revisit those stories. I’m not suggesting that we don’t take a look at them from time to time. But I am suggesting that over analysis and over reviewing can keep us quite stuck.
I burned my hand pretty badly a couple of weeks ago. It created a huge blister. Once the initial pain subsided, it really wasn’t painful at all. I cleaned it and left it alone. I covered it at night so I wouldn’t burst the blister but other than that I completely left it alone. In a week it was almost healed with just a small scab. I had had very little pain. But then I decided I was tired of the scab and I picked at it. Just a tiny pick! And then the pain started and lasted for 3 or 4 days! My body was doing exactly what it’s designed to but I interfered and actually slowed down the healing.
Our psychological system is designed in the same way that our physical system is designed. It’s designed to return to equilibrium and heal. When we acknowledge the psychological pain or injury, give it a little tender loving care, create a bit of protection, then it can heal. We don’t need to over analyze it. We don’t need to revisit it again and again and again. We don’t need to judge it. We do not need to fear it. We accept it and allow for the healing.
I am watching my precious boy dog, Pedro, do just that after a terribly serious incident. Out of the blue last week, he blew a disc and he was in terrible, terrible pain. We acted quickly and got him the help that he needed and now he is home healing. He has 30 staples in his back, he can barely walk, and he has to be picked up from place to place. He is in 100% acceptance of this. He is expressing peace, gratitude, and even joy.
He is not asking himself why this is happening to him, what he did wrong, what he could’ve done better, how he can make it get better faster. No, he accepts the situation and is waiting. Waiting for his body to do what it does best which is to return to equilibrium, to heal. He is not projecting into the future and wondering if he will have 100% recovery or not. We don’t know that he’ll recover fully. But we do know that he is at peace. It’s apparent to anyone who sees him. Why is he at peace? Because he doesn’t have an overly analytical, judgmental, fearful, insecure mind. He is not projecting into the future. He is not reaching into the past. He is living his life moment to moment.
Listen, you don’t have to nail yourself to a cross of suffering. At any time, you can wake up to how you are out of alignment with the present moment. You can stop picking at your problem and slow down. As you do that, you begin to regain your perspective, you begin to accept yourself, and you begin to catch yourself earlier and spend less time down the rabbit hole of fear and insecurity. Relief is possible.
I have created a document for you that goes into a bit more detail about how to practice the principles I’m sharing here. Feel free to download it here. And if you want to go deeper into these ideas, if you want relief from your anxiety or low feelings, consider taking advantage of a conversation with me. Right now, during this pandemic, I am offering single sessions at no charge to you.
I recently started a series of short video inspirations. I had been wanting to do something like this for months, if not years, but something stopped me: Worry about what others might think.
Yes, there was vanity: My face is too round, I’m not polished enough, and what makes me think I have anything to say that others really want to hear? I had the idea that the videos had to be perfectly prepared and presented. It didn’t occur to me that I could do informal, imperfect videos until one of my ingenious coaches suggested it.
Here’s a brilliant question for you to consider: Who would you be without access to a single thought about what others think or expect of you? This question is worthy of being considered carefully. Journal about this. Talk about this with your closest friends and family. Imagine what it would be like to have zero access to a single thought about what others think of you.
What would you do? What risks might you take? What would you create? What would you say to whom? Who or what would you stand up for? How would you stand up for yourself? What would you say yes to? What would you say no to? How would you feel? Really give this some thought.
When my coach gave me permission to “come out of hiding” and put out informal videos, I suddenly felt free to do just that. Sure, I could’ve arrived at that realization on my own but sometimes it takes an outside view to wake up to ourselves. I’ve done a video every day since. Yes, my face is round, I’m not particularly polished, and I say “um” a few too many times, but so what? I’m enjoying doing them and a few others are enjoying receiving them.
This has me thinking about the stress we carry when we are overly concerned about what others think. When we are too concerned, we may withdraw and be overly guarded. We may not speak up and offer our wisdom. We may resist taking initiative. We may be afraid to connect deeply, leaving us feeling alone. We rehearse our conversations with others ad nauseam. We often struggle with procrastination. We fear failure or embarrassment which holds us back from mastery and from offering our gifts to a world in great need.
Last summer, I got more depressed than I had been in 20 years. It shocked me! I had decided I would never struggle with depression again after my breakdown breakthrough 20 years ago. Some old, old stuff got triggered and I simply couldn’t find my way through it alone. I knew I needed some support but I started to worry about what others would think. I was afraid to reach out believing on some level that as a coach and former therapist I shouldn’t struggle so much. I was embarrassed! I was feeling like a fraud. In my depressed state, I decided that reaching out for help might be detrimental to my business. Yes, we can go to some weird places in our minds, right down the rabbit hole, and it isn’t uncommon.
I did reach out and I got support and let me tell you what a relief it has been. Almost immediately, the fear of what others might think simply disappeared. I remembered that everyone gets afraid. Everyone struggles. No one is perfect. None of us is immune. Even high achieving, high performance people struggle with feeling down and anxious from time to time. There is no shame in that.
I want to invite you to come out of hiding. It’s OK if you are struggling. It may be that you are feeling some quiet desperation in the middle of this pandemic. You may worry that people will think less of you if you reveal how much you are struggling. It may be that you are feeling more unsettled than usual or that you can’t quite catch a full breath. Maybe your mind is racing a tad more than usual, interfering in your day. I get it. Our lives have been turned upside down. It’s normal to feel disoriented.
So, ask yourself, Who would I be without access to a single thought about what others think or expect of me? Practice a bit more gentleness and patience with yourself. Rest a bit more. Take an extra stroll and breathe in the healing sights, sounds, and aromas that nature offers. Watch my short video inspirations that may give you a bit of a boost. Reach out for support from a trusted ally or professional.
It’s OK. We all, ALL, struggle from time to time. Each one of us. You are not alone.
If you’re feeling distracted and unable to focus, like you’re holding your breath waiting for the next shoe to drop, or are a tad too tense leaving you with a headache by the end of the day, then take me up on my offer of a coaching session at no charge to you. We will spend 60-90 minutes together on Zoom or phone.
By the end of the session, you will likely have more clarity, feel more grounded, able to breathe a bit easier, and have a bit more traction and ease to get on with your day.
How are you doing? I imagine, like me, many of you are feeling a tad off-balance. I want you to know that it’s OK. It’s perfectly normal to feel a bit (maybe even a lot!) wobbly. Be gentle with yourself.
I want to remind you that you have some superpowers that you may or may not be aware of having. You can absolutely activate these powers at any time and I’ll show you how at the end of this post. Seems to me that this is an excellent time to tap into your superpowers.
Your first superpower is Wisdom. I think of it as your overarching superpower. You were born with it. You could think of it as that “gut feeling” or your intuition. You could think of it as that which brings about your “aha” moments. It’s your “knowing”. It helps you navigate this crazy, unpredictable life. It is always, always available to you. Sometimes it is quite obscure and you simply must wait for the crazy to settle.
Your second superpower is Resilience. You are resilient. Homo sapiens have existed for around 200,000 years. Against overwhelming odds, humans have survived and even thrived for millennia. You are of that lineage. You’ve seen it time and again in your own life. Look back and take note of all the times you’ve been resilient.
A third superpower is Adaptability. It may be that you haven’t exercised that power in a while, but you come by it naturally. Humans are adaptable. You are capable of making the changes this pandemic calls for.
A fourth superpower is Courage. You are courageous! Courage is not a feeling. It is the ability to do something that frightens you. You feel the fear but you continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty. You’ve done it many times! It could be useful for you to take a few moments to note some of the ways in which you’ve been courageous over the course of your lifetime. You might be pleasantly surprised and encouraged.
You also have a superpower called Innovation. As Plato reminds us, necessity is the mother of invention. In times of need, humans are quite innovative and creative in getting their needs met. I bet you can look back over your life and find several examples of being innovative in times of need.
Resourcefulness is yet another superpower that you have. You are already finding this to be true as you live through this pandemic. I, for example, am using ¼ of the toilet paper I’m accustomed to using. I bet you are finding yourself being resourceful, too. Take note of how you are doing this. Again, noticing your superpowers has a way of helping you access more of your superpowers.
Two other superpowers you have are Flexibility and Being Ok with the Unknown. Truly, you have always lived in the unknown, you’ve just convinced yourself that you did know. None of us has ever known what the next moment will bring. We convince ourselves otherwise to give us a sense of safety and security. The truth is, you’ve been just fine living moment to moment all along. In fact, as author and coach Jamie Smart says, you’re built for the reality of this present moment.
You know, inherently, how to be flexible, how to pivot in the moment. You already do it every single day as interruptions occur. Perhaps you haven’t been aware of how flexible you already are but you do it all the time.
Listen, the human brain doesn’t code the good things like it does the bad things. We have a tendency to overlook the positive and zero in on the negative. Neuroscientists call this the negativity bias. It's an adaptive trait of human psychology that served us well when we were being chased by saber tooth tigers 10,000 years ago.
Neuroscientist Rick Hanson, in his book Buddha’s Brain, writes, "Your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones." Seeing the negative is an old habit deeply embedded in our brainstem and cerebellum or what is commonly known as the reptilian brain.
We know that the neurons that fire together wire together so what can we do to over-ride our negativity bias and tap into our superpowers? We can use awareness and intention.
First, you can notice your negativity bias. Practice catching yourself spinning stories of doom. Catch yourself when you are only reading about the horror of the pandemic. Notice how much time you spend in worry and fear of the future.
Secondly, intentionally seek out the good, the true, and the beautiful. Think of one thing you're grateful for right this moment. Your health, family, animal friend, nature, home, etc.
Thirdly, wire those positive neurons together. Rick Hanson calls this the act of savoring. I love this. It’s what I’ve done with the owls I’ve been watching for the last week. I don’t simply glance at them as I’m walking by, no, I seek them out and savor them. I stay with them for 15-30 minutes. I photograph them and view their images repeatedly at home when I need a little boost of joy.
When we take time to notice the good, the true, and the beautiful, we encode those feelings deep in our brains and we are able to more easily access our superpowers. More ease, flow, and peace will follow, even in the midst of a pandemic.
MY WORK AS A COACH focuses on helping people move through anxiety. This is my wheelhouse.
As a result of the unfolding COVID-19 situation, I am offering single sessions at no charge for those who are anxious about the current state of affairs.
This is a sincere offer. I want to help and I know that supporting you will help me stay calm and grounded. I need you, too!
So, please, contact me up. I can help.
I learned a long time ago to ask for help. Please don’t hesitate to ask. There will be no charge for this call.
You are not alone. ❤️
Carla Royal, M.Ed.
Professional Life & Business Coach
I was standing at the back of the room during my business conference taking a break. As I gazed out the window. I saw a woman struggling to pull her wheelchair out of the car. I began thinking how brave she is! I wondered why she was alone and what kind of strength it must take just to handle the day to day minutia. I noticed how I take such simple things for granted and felt a twinge of guilt. I began to guess what must have happened to this young woman. My mind was a swirl of imagination about her situation.
She finally took the last step of unfolding the wheelchair. I felt a sense of relief that she was now going to be able to get into the chair since she seemed a tad wobbly. Then, she unfolded the contraption and it was a bike! Not a wheelchair at all! A bike! She hopped on the bike and quickly rode off.
Silly me. I saw something, I took a guess at what it was, I created a dramatic story, and I bought my story hook, line, and sinker. I had to chuckle at myself.
Isn’t this what we all do every day? We make stuff up. We live so much of our lives in our imaginations. Have you noticed?
COVID-19 is among us, escalating every day. I’ve caught myself in all manner of story this past month. Stories of doom and despair. Stories of hope and healing. And everything in between.
We have all kinds of thoughts; no problem there, but do we believe them or not? If we believe them, we experience them as if they are real.
Remember sweet puppy Rosie from my last blog post who is afraid of thunder? If we believe a stressful story, we will feel stressed. If we believe a story of hope, we will feel hope. This is how our psychological minds work. The trick is to wake up to our stories and question the stressful ones.
Corrie Ten Boom says, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, it empties today of its strengths.”
Yes, a thousand times yes. Worry is future-focused and living in worry obscures our present moment wisdom, resourcefulness, and resilience. We have no idea how this thing is going to play out. Not really. We have a lot of guesses but until it arrives, moment by moment, we just don’t know. The question may be, who do you want to be in this challenging time?
I was reading an article by Otto Scharmer this morning. He is a thought leader I’ve been following for years. He says, we can either freeze and turn backward or we can open up and lean forward. The choice is ours. The choice is yours.
My heartfelt desire is that we choose to open up and lean forward. We can do that. We’ve seen it happen countless times in our history. Now is such an opportunity.
You could start recognizing your stories about COVID-19. You could begin to examine your stressful thoughts about it. You could choose to search for and embrace the positive stories that surround us but are barely visible among the negative news.
At each moment, we have choice. Who do you want to be at this time of collective disruption?
Listen, I’m not suggesting that you become a superhero. That’s not needed or called for. What is called for is that you remain open, lean forward from this very present moment, give your best gifts, and walk through this moment by moment.
In each moment, we have the capacity to wake up to our stressful thoughts and stories and question them. We have the capacity to bring our attention back to the present moment and ask what is needed right here, right now.
This is a rollercoaster. You don’t have to move through it perfectly. You get to collapse. It’s OK. Just don’t stay there. Rise up again and again.
Yes, there will be heartbreak, illness, death, and daily struggles, but I do believe that there will be something rich and beautiful on the other side of all this if we can allow ourselves to open and lean forward.
MY WORK AS A COACH focuses on helping people move through anxiety. This is my wheelhouse.
As a result of the unfolding COVID-19 situation, I am offering one-off sessions at no charge for those who are anxious about the current state of affairs.
This is a sincere offer. I want to help and I know that supporting you will help me stay calm and grounded. I need you, too!
So, please, contact me up. I can help.
I learned a long time ago to ask for help. Please don’t hesitate to ask. There will be no charge for this call.
You are not alone. ❤️
Carla Royal, M.Ed.
Professional Life & Business Coach
I live on the west coast of Florida. Weather changes quickly, often offering little warning. We are used to it here. Storms come and go. In the case of hurricanes, we get early warnings which give us time to prepare as best we can. Our weatherman always emphasizes his rule #7: “Don’t freak out.” The storm will pass. It always does.
“EVERY STORM RUNS OUT OF RAIN”
Maya Angelou
Now, we are facing COVID-19, a novel virus to which humans have no immunity. I feel a low level of anxiety all around me. I think of this anxiety as a psychological storm that is gathering.
Psychological storms are much like storm clouds. Emotions arise suddenly and, too often, we are blindsided. We forget the blue sky of our true essence. We worry that the storm will never end. We live the fear of our imagined future. We live it again and again as if it were happening right now.
I have a puppy friend named Rosie who is terrified of thunderstorms. Rosie fears that the storm will harm her. Maybe it will, maybe it won't but she is living as if she’s being harmed right now even as she is safely nestled on her couch with her human hugging her. She’s living the imagined harm moment by moment, experiencing it repeatedly. All the while, she is safe and unharmed.
We are much the same, aren’t we? We fear an imagined future and we live it repeatedly as if it were true right now. We imagine worse case scenarios. We imagine inconvenience, stress, exhaustion, financial collapse, chaos, and death. We imagine it all and we experience it as if it’s happening right now.
COVID-19 is in our midst, yes. We know that people will be ill and lives will be lost. We already see our economy taking a huge hit. People’s hours are being cut at work or jobs lost altogether. We don’t know how this is going to play out. Already in my imagination, I can catch myself projecting all manner of crises into the future.
My question to you is this, what would life be like these next few months if you lived this COVID-19 storm only once? Just once. If you are imagining financial ruin, what would it be like for you to drop your story about it and live whatever does come to pass? What would it be like for you if you stopped imagining how this virus is going to play out and simply live what actually does happen?
Do you see what I mean? I have no idea how this virus is going to play out. It may not be as bad is we fear or it may be a devastating disaster but let’s live it only once, in the moment. Let’s trust that we humans can come together, unite, and find our way through this. After all, we’ve survived for millennia.
Here's what I’ve discovered: when I stop imagining that the virus is going to wreak complete and utter destruction, I’m able to face the situation with more clarity, resourcefulness, and energy than when I’ve worried myself to death about it.
Situations almost always turn out differently than you imagine and if they don’t, you only have to live it once instead of repeatedly in your imagination.
This understanding has been a game-changer for me and my clients in many ways, from simple situations to more difficult situations.
I remember when my dad got sick with cancer. I was worried about how it would be, if I could handle it, and how awful things could get, especially since we’d never been close. Yes, there were difficulties for sure, but it turns out that those two years were healing for us. Against all odds, years of anger and disappointment dissipated and a tender love filled the void. It could have been just the opposite but why live it more than once?
I used to believe that if I worried about the future, I might be more prepared for it. I find the opposite to be true. When I worry, I become stressed, unclear, and less resourceful and responsive. I become too confused and unclear to plan wisely. I’m less prepared and less capable.
When you are grounded in the present moment, you see much more clearly and you can take appropriate action. You’re able to access your intuition and deep wisdom. You are able to respond creatively and resourcefully. We humans are built for the reality of this present moment.
You see, the storm always passes. Let’s live this COVID-19 storm only once knowing that the clear blue sky of our wellbeing always remains. We will find our way.
“Breathe, my love. Like any long labor, we are going to take this one breath at a time.” Valerie Kaur
MY WORK AS A COACH focuses on helping people move through anxiety. This is my wheel house.
As a result of the unfolding COVID-19 situation, I am offering one-off sessions for free or pay what you wish for those who are anxious about the current state of affairs.
This is a sincere offer. I want to help and I know that supporting you will help me stay calm and grounded. I need you, too!
So, please, contact me up. I’m available.
I learned a long time ago to ask for help. Please don’t hesitate to ask and please don’t let finances stand in your way.
I can help.
You are not alone. ❤️
“EVERY STORM RUNS OUT OF RAIN”
Maya Angelou
What a great quote. It’s one of the best lines I’ve ever heard. There hasn’t been a single time that this has not been so.
Last fall, I went through a rough couple of months. I confess that it was simply and purely a matter of telling myself a story that wasn’t true about a particular set of circumstances. I bought into my own misguided narrative. Hook, line, and sinker.
Sometime later, the storm of my story and the accompanying emotions ran out of rain. Interestingly and importantly, my circumstances had not changed. Not at all. The only thing that changed was the narrative or the story that I told myself about the circumstances.
You see, I had unrealistic expectations. I had decided that things shouldn’t be the way they were. I was living in fear that things would never change. Of course, change is inevitable. I know this in my bones. But, I got locked into what I call exponential thinking.
Exponential thinking is when we pile on thinking upon thinking upon thinking. We do this innocently. Some people call this the monkey mind. One of my California clients calls it KF*CK Radio.
You could imagine a snow globe that contains a beautiful scene. You can see that scene perfectly until you start shaking it, then the scene becomes obscured. There is no longer any clarity. Even when you stop shaking the globe, it takes a while for the snow to settle. You’ve got to wait a bit.
You could think of exponential thinking as the shaking of the snow globe. It’s something we all do and most of us do it unconsciously.
If we can wake up to how we do this, we’ll be able to clear our “snow globe”, “monkey mind” more quickly and more easily. I even propose that when we wake up to our exponential thinking, truly seeing it for what it is, we won’t be as bothered by it because we won’t be so overly identified with it.
Here’s a quick and easy exercise you can play with. It doesn’t take much time but it can have a profound impact on you. You could think of it as a way to stop shaking the snow globe of your mind.
I’ll start by giving you an example of how to do the exercise. This is a typical situation that most of us find ourselves in from time to time: You are busy at your desk when your boss, colleague, client, or spouse enters or calls to deliver some information. The person is quite curt. What do you do?
Many of us start making up reasons why the person is being curt with us. Humans are meaning making machines. We want to know WHY.
On a good day, we might wonder if they are OK or if something bad happened. On a bad day, we may take it terribly seriously and personally. “What a jerk!” “Who do they think they are??” “Oh my god, I did something wrong but I don’t know what it is!” “Several people have been laid off lately to cut costs, maybe I’m next!” “How in the world am I going to explain getting fired to my spouse??” Sleepless nights and rehearsing imaginary conversations may ensue.
This example shows what I mean by exponential thinking. It’s when we get carried away with our imagination as we try to make sense of what is happening.
Rather than directly asking the person what is going on, we spin out inside our minds or we get others involved in colluding with us. Either way, we are going down the rabbit hole of exponential thinking which is just like shaking the snow globe and completely obscuring our clarity and felt sense of wellbeing.
When you feel yourself caught up in a runaway story in a situation like this, that’s your wake up call to put the snow globe down and let the confusion settle so that you can find your way clearly again.
One way to stop shaking the globe is by using this diagram. Inside the lines, place the FACT of your particular situation. Example: “Boss is curt”. Outside the lines place your STORY about the situation. Example: “Boss is a jerk.”
Now you try it. Filling out your own diagram can help you wake up to your exponential thinking. Often times, waking up to yourself is all that’s needed to be able to release those stories. Other times, those stories really do sock in and you simply must wait for the storm to clear.
It can help knowing that every storm runs out of rain. Always. You can find your way.
If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore more deeply how to overcome overthinking, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. In person, Zoom, FaceTime, or Zoom. Contact Me
I’ve had a life-long fear of being seen. I know I’m not the only one. Many people are hiding in plain sight with this fear. When I reflect, I can see that it comes down to a fear of not measuring up, being seen as imperfect or as a fraud, being inadequate, or worse yet, being seen as fundamentally flawed. While this has become less of an issue as I’ve worked through these things, it still rears its head. Can you relate?
We live in an overly individualistic society. In fact, individualism is highly applauded in many ways. The demands are extreme that we look and act just right, excel, are successful (in very particular ways), are culturally beautiful, that we are all things to all people, and that we go it alone. It’s too heavy!
The demands are impossible but we don’t dare let anyone see our struggles, we simply do our best to bear up under it all, hiding in plain sight, — until we can’t any longer. I think of Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, and many others. Social media has only proven to increase these demands and the craziness of it all.
Almost all of us feel the pressure to conform to some extent or another. But at what cost? What price do you pay when you hide your imperfections and pain day in and day out?
The price is paid in many forms: fatigue, anxiety, shame, difficulty speaking up, poor sleep, a compromised immune system, avoidance, loneliness despite how many people are around, compromised relationships, poor work performance, overworking to the point of exhaustion, over drinking, overly guarded, and much more.
So many people are hiding in plain sight, quietly dealing with the anxiety of it all.
What can we do about this?
When I’m working with a client dealing with these kinds of unrealistic demands, whether external or internal, I first point them in the direction of who they are at their essence, before the demands.
This desire we have to hide or not be seen is not a result of our true self, it’s a result of not being in touch with our true self. We want to protect our ego or our image of ourselves, but the true self doesn’t need protecting.
Each of us comes into this world with certain innate characteristics. You can see this in very young children. They are happy, curious, playful, creative, comfortable with themselves, responsive, open, resilient, and so on. They have an amazing capacity to feel all of their explosive emotions and then let those emotions move through them naturally and quickly. Of course, these characteristics can become quite hidden, even very early on, when trauma is involved but those qualities are still there.
These are the qualities that are innate to us as adults. Each of us has innate wisdom, resilience, intuition, insight, resourcefulness, love, and wellbeing but we may be quite out of touch with them.
The solution is to come home to yourself, before all of the beliefs, demands, and expectations that have been placed on you and that you now place on yourself.
You are not damaged, not at your core. Yes, your ego, reputation, or physical body may be damaged, but who you truly are can never be damaged. However, we get confused living in a culture that tells us otherwise. This is the first misunderstanding to clear up.
Secondly, it’s important to wake up to the beliefs, stories, and narratives that you are buying into — that we all buy into — that cloud your clarity about who you really are.
A story I bought into for many years that nearly destroyed me was that my heart is evil above all else. I believed I couldn’t trust myself and when I did inevitably fail, I used that as proof that the evil-heart story was true. I carried terrible shame for decades all because of this one story. Shedding that belief has freed me up in ways I never believed possible.
What are the stories, beliefs, and narratives that hinder you and keep you from knowing your true essence? It could be an expectation from a parent that you’ve internalized. It could be a cultural demand that tells you exactly what beauty and success must look like. Or a religious edict that you can’t seem to escape. It could be that you are buying into day-to-day stressful thoughts.
Who would you be without these stories?
You could think of it this way:
Everyone has innate wellbeing, resourcefulness, wisdom, creativity, and insight. Sometimes you are more dialed into these qualities than other times.
If you are too down or even too hyped up — hyper, angry, frustrated, agitated, fearful, etc. — these thoughts can become clustered and loud. Like a tornado in your head. The wisdom and insight are there but you can’t hear them. You may feel like hiding.
Your default setting is wellbeing and when you are dialed into that, your thoughts don’t stop but you don’t engage them so much. You could imagine your thoughts on a conveyor belt - coming and going - slower and more peaceful. Now your innate wisdom, resourcefulness, and creativity have a chance to be heard and supports you in moving your life forward with more ease and flow. Now the fear of being seen subsides.
Thoughts Scream Wisdom Whispers
When you quiet your insecure or anxious thinking and overactive imagination, even temporarily, you are able to access your inner wisdom, resourcefulness, and wellbeing. Now you are in touch with who you really are and who you really are has no need to hide or fear being seen.
When you find yourself wanting to hide and not be seen, this could be your wakeup call that you have lost sight of who you really are. It could be your wakeup call that you are buying into stressful stories, narratives, or beliefs that cloud your innate clarity.
When you realize you’ve lost sight of who you are and that you are caught up in stressful thoughts that make you want to hide, look for the stories, beliefs, and narratives behind those thoughts. That’s where you’ll find your suffering. When you recognize them for what they are, you can begin dropping them, allowing them to dissipate and you can return to the clarity of who you truly are. You are safe there. From that place, you can take action or not. You can be seen if that’s needed. You can live your life freely.
If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on being seen, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar for the next week for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. Contact Me
