Coaching for High-Achieving Men Ready to Lead Differently — Carla Royal Coaching & Consulting

Peace on Earth. Is it Even Possible?

I’ve recently discovered a new (to me) artist and I love his music. Fred Neil. He has a rich baritone voice, great lyrics, and mad guitar skills. He was a singer-song writer in the 60s and 70s. He influenced musicians like Joni Mitchell, Crosby, Stills, Karen Dalton, and more. He grew up in St. Petersburg, FL which is only 40 minutes from where I live now.

In addition to his music, he was most passionate about dolphins. He founded the Dolphin Research Project in 1970 which is an organization dedicated to stopping the capture, trafficking, and exploitation of dolphins worldwide. He gradually faded from the music scene as he became more and more involved with the dolphins (which makes me love him even more!).

He wrote a beautiful song entitled The Dolphins. This is my favorite verse:

Lord, I'm not the one to tell this old world how to get along
I only know that peace will come when all our hate is gone
I've been a-searchin' for the dolphins in the sea

I’ve thought a lot about these lyrics. Most of us have this idea that we know what’s best for this old world. But do we? Can we be certain? Are we certain enough to disenfranchise whole groups of people because they don’t agree with us? I see the divide in this country, and beyond, deepening every day (or so it seems to me). Am I enabling or even facilitating that divide?

When I look closely, I can see that the divide resides within me. I am divided.

I am divided.

I can feel the me that I find acceptable and I can find the me that is not acceptable. Of course, neither is actually Me, the true me. The me I’m talking about here is the ego me, the constructed me. I want to flaunt the acceptable me and I want to obliterate the unacceptable me.

I awoke this morning with negative thoughts about myself.

“What’s wrong with you that you….??” “Why can’t you…??” “You’ll never….!”

I woke up bullying myself!

I caught myself pretty quickly and brought it to a halt but I don’t always stop immediately. I would NEVER let someone speak to me the way I sometimes speak to myself. Ever! Yet, I can do it to myself for days on end when I don’t wake up to myself.

What does this have to do with this old world? I believe it has everything to do with it. If I’m divided within myself, how can I expect to not divide out there? Assuming there even is an out there. Fred says, “I’m not the one to tell this old world how to get along. I only know that peace will come when all our hate is gone.

Peace will come when all hate is gone. Peace will come when I’m no longer divided within. Peace will come when I fully accept Carla in all of her messy humanness. Only then can I fully accept you and those even more different from me than you are. Only then can I accept you even when you don’t accept me.

If we want peace on earth, we must first find peace within ourselves. I believe this. I really do believe this. It’s why I love the work that I do. I see my ultimate role as helping folks come home to themselves, come to acceptance of themselves. It’s what I’ve worked on personally for decades (I still do).

I spent decades depressed for two reasons that I can see at this point. One, I carried way too much shame and lack of acceptance for myself, largely due to family, religious, and cultural expectations. Two, I believed that peace was only available in the “afterlife”. I had no acceptance of THIS life. I didn’t have both feet planted firmly here, now. I was always waiting for something better and I was always waiting to be better. That is, I did not accept me now in this life here. No wonder I was depressed.

Only after having a close encounter with death (what I call my break-down break-through) over 20 years ago, did I wake up to my problem:

I did not accept myself and
I did not accept this life.

I suppose that’s as good a definition of hate as there is. Once I saw this, everything changed. Everything. On the other side of my close encounter with death, I awoke to the perfection of the here and now.

Initially, it was so bright and clear. It was so easy to be awake with all the clarity in the world. But over the weeks, months, and years, the cultural pull to dwell in the past and worry about the future (or longing for an imagined future) began to impinge upon me. I could feel the pull away from NOW. This culture is an expert NOW-avoider.

The work I do both personally and professionally is largely about waking up to ourselves. Catching ourselves with one foot in the past and one in the future, which keeps us dangerously off balance in the moment. It’s no wonder folks are terribly stressed and depressed. We’ve forgotten that we are built for the reality of this present moment — like the gazelles.

The gazelles on the African Savannah know this. They graze, completely relaxed and alert. Not hyper-alert but relaxed and alert, you might even say Mindful. The lion gives chase. Cortisol, adrenalin, and stress flood the Gazelle’s system. They run and leap across the Savannah. The lion breaks away, or even takes a gazelle, and the chase is over. Within 5 minutes — 5 minutes — the gazelles are grazing again, relaxed and alert.

They do not live in fear. They live in the moment. They know the lion can come at any time. They don’t worry about it. They don’t dwell on it. They don’t imagine it happening again. No, in the moment, they allow their system to work as it’s designed to work. Relaxed, alert, adrenaline rush when needed.

They accept life on its own terms. They accept themselves as they are. They are at peace, even though the lion dwells among them. Such beautiful acceptance.

Beautiful acceptance. That’s what I aim for. That’s what I guide my clients to. Because “I only know that peace will come when all our hate is gone.”

I can’t think of anything more radical than coming to peace with ourselves, true peace and acceptance. Only then can we hope to heal the divide.

Peace on earth is an inside job.

Only when we discover peace within (where it has always and only been) can we go out into the world and hope to help. Or so it seems to me.

If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on peace, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar this week for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. Contact Me

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It's the New Year but I'm Discouraged!

It may be that you awoke discouraged on the first day of this new year. After all, you had high hopes for 2019 and things didn’t go as you planned. You may have had devastating and unexpected losses. You may have had unexplained and persistent illness. You may have fought depression or anxiety. Maybe you didn’t live up to your expectations of yourself and you feel like a failure.  

People around you are excited about 2020 but you may not be feeling it. I want you to know that I understand. I had a less than stellar 2019. I had hopes and dreams that I didn’t realize. It occurs to me that a bit of grieving may be in order before diving into 2020 with gusto.

I hadn’t considered that grieving could be the balm that heals enough to open the way for a new year. We tend to dive in head first without taking stock, without acknowledging our disappointments, without grieving our losses. Perhaps doing so would make for a better start to the new year.

It may be that you want to hide your disappointment and discouragement. I admit that that’s my tendency. After all, I have an image to protect! Or so I sometimes believe. I suppose we come by this desire to hide our vulnerabilities innocently in this world of pristine social media images. The expectation to be perfect is compelling and outrageous. It hurts us.

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I found this post on Facebook and it resonates with me. We are so quick to leap into the new year, hoping for a new me, looking at all that needs fixing. In addition to grieving our losses and disappointments, perhaps it would behoove us to also celebrate our tenacity and resilience. After all, if you are reading this, you have a 100% successful survival rate. That’s nothing to sneeze at.

So, I encourage you (and me) to take time to acknowledge your disappointments, to grieve, and then to celebrate the “old you”. You are brilliant. You are star stuff. You are perfect just as you are.

From that place, you are ready to envision and plan for this new year. How do you want to show up in 2020? Who would you be without your unrealistic expectations for yourself? Who would you be without access to a single thought about what others think of you or expect of you? Who would you be with more compassion and acceptance of your humanness?

Yes, at your essence you are perfect and you are also gloriously imperfect. These two ideas are not mutually exclusive. What a relief it would be to acknowledge, accept, and embrace this truth.

And if you want to play a bigger game in 2020, by all means, have at it. But playing a bigger game says nothing about who you truly are at your essence — that tenacious, resilient, wise, bright you. Look there. Look to your essence rather than to the constructed, made-up, imperfect you that is trying to fit into this demanding culture. You will find your ground there and from that place you can decide how you want to show up in 2020.

May you find peace. May you find comfort. May you live with more ease and flow. I sincerely wish you and yours a happy new year.

IN-VISION 2020 begins January 6th. This affordable program will give you the support, clarity, and traction you need to sort out your life, envision the next year, set your intentions, and make sustainable headway to creating the life you most desire. Early bird price is over, but if you email me and ask, I’ll be happy to give you the early bird price.

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How to Make the Most of 2020

2019 is almost over. 2020 is soon to dawn. A new year, a new decade. It is a significant time. A significant transition.

There is nothing magical about the passing of time. Nothing magical about a new year and a new decade. Really, it’s just another day. Yet, there is an opportunity here for deep reflection.

It’s easy to get caught up in the day to day demands. It’s easy to continue in our same old patterns, or as Hobbs says, “staying the course” … whether or not it’s working for us.

The brain’s primary job is to keep us safe. It wants what is familiar. It wants to conserve energy. This may explain, in part, why we struggle to keep the resolutions many of us declare at the beginning of every new year.  

Deep reflection can engage the area of the brain that can help us override an overly cautious attachment to safety and familiarity. Just simply stating that can feel a tad threatening. Yet, developing a capacity for change and flexibility could be one of our greatest assets, especially in these chaotic times.

Deep reflection can get underneath the superficial “wants” such as losing 20 pounds so I’ll look more presentable to a demanding culture. That “want” will not sustain us. But if we can look deeper, we may find a compelling reason to lose those pounds, or we may come to a deep acceptance of our weight exactly as it is.

When we can uncover the deeper meaning behind the changes we want to make, we’ll have a better chance of overriding a very powerful brain that wants safety and familiarity at all cost.

This is the point of visioning our future, creating intentions, and setting up enough structure and accountability to support ourselves.

I intend to join the gym this year. This intention comes from a place of deep reflection. I want to get stronger and more flexible. I want to be healthier as I enter my 60th year. Yet, I could feel the resistance immediately. My powerful brain wants things to stay the same.

I reflected, I found the deeper meaning, but if I don’t set up some flexible structure and accountability, I won’t follow through. The moment a friend and I decided to meet at the gym on specific days, I felt immediate relief. I don’t have to do this alone. After all, humans are social creatures.

When is the last time you invested in YOU in a significant way? How are you going to support yourself in this new decade? And why does it matter? How will you satisfy your brain’s need for safety and familiarity AND move your life forward in the way that you most desire?

Your next decade deserves some deep reflection, intention, preparation, and a flexible plan. Without it, you’ll likely repeat the same old, same old. And that’s perfectly OK if it’s working for you.

As for me, I’m off to the gym. I wish you and yours a brilliant new year and new decade. Be well!

IN-VISION 2020 begins January 6th. This affordable program will give you the support, clarity, and traction you need to sort out your life, envision the next year, set your intentions, and make sustainable headway to creating the life you most desire. Early bird price is available until 11:59 PM EDT December 31st!

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How to Handle Holiday Stress

Emotions of all sorts get stirred up during the holidays. Joy, anticipation, gratitude, sorrow, longing, and irritability are just a few. Some folks draw energy from the season. Others are utterly exhausted and depressed.

I remember dreading the holidays. They were painful for me. Often, I’d suffer for a full month. I was living in memories of past holidays that didn’t go well and worried about what might go wrong in the upcoming holiday. On top of that, I often felt shame about all that I didn’t accomplish during the past year, then worry about the coming year and stress about how things might go awry. All of this was a recipe for a miserable holiday time.

Lao Tzu says, “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”

It’s easy to get caught up in thoughts of past and future. We all do it. Innocently. The trick is to wake up to ourselves, with compassion.

I have a client who is a confident, highly successful corporate consultant and trainer. She confessed to me that she was feeling terribly anxious about visiting her mother for the holidays. She had gained some weight since she last saw her mom. She anticipated that her mom would open the door to her and immediately start in on her about her weight. After all, she’d done it numerous times in the past.

I asked my client how she reacted when she believed her mother would receive her in this way. She said that she became defended, on guard, ashamed, angry, and withholding. She would shut down.

I asked if she thought her mother would feel all of that defensiveness. She knew that her mom would feel it and would most likely react negatively to it. I then asked her how it would be to visit her mother without the belief that she would give her grief about her weight.

She said she would be more open. She’d feel lighter. She would be present and not preoccupied with her mother’s reaction to her weight. I saw her breathe a sigh of relief as she understood that how she showed up had nothing to do with her mother’s behavior.

We both recognized that no matter how she entered, her mom very well may be critical of her weight. But rather than living that moment again and again before the visit, she recognized that she only had to live it once at the time it happens, if it happens.

So, she opened herself. She dropped her defensiveness. She dropped the story about how her mom was going to react. She dropped her judgment about her weight gain. She arrived at her mother’s house for Thanksgiving with presence and love. Her mom opened the door and beamed. She embraced her daughter and told her how good she looked and how happy she was to see her.

My client was able to bring herself into the present moment and find peace. She was able to find her way forward from that place of presence. And while it may have been difficult if her mom had been critical instead of loving, which was a very real possibility, she would have had more access to her own resourcefulness and emotional reserves. She would’ve been more able to respond from a place of groundedness, love, and wisdom. It wouldn’t have shaken her to her core.

Listen, the holidays can be tough. You could be gentle with yourself. You could give yourself a break and have compassion for yourself. You could have compassion for those around you who may be struggling, too. It can be a tricky time.

As much as possible, keep bringing yourself back to this moment. Recognize when you are living in a memory of a difficult past. Recognize when you are stressing about something that is not yet happening and may not happen.

When you can catch yourself living in the past or the future, you are able to bring yourself back to this moment where you have access to your essential nature: love, wisdom, peace, wellbeing, resilience, and more. All this will support you no matter what you face.

My family and I send you warmest season’s greetings. May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be you be healthy. May you live life with ease.

I’ve opened the doors to IN-VISION 2020! A 4-week intensive, virtual program beginning January 6th. I will work with you each day for 4 weeks to help you create a unique, practical yearlong plan to stay on track to fulfill your dreams for 2020 without the need for resolutions. EARLYBIRD pricing available now and it’s a steal of a deal. Space is limited.

Resolutions and the New Year: What Works and What Doesn’t

I tend to cringe a little when I hear the word resolution. The idea of resolutions and habits can remind me of failure and unreasonable expectations. The idea of discipline can remind me of my rigid dad and my fundamentalist background. The idea of structure and systems sounds too confining. These are all stories I’ve made up and these stories do not serve.

But here we are again, that time of year when we begin thinking of resolutions. “Oh my god, I need to lose 15 pounds. I need to increase my business. I need to exercise more. I need to be better at socializing. I need to put stronger habits in place.” The list goes on.

I can feel myself collapse a little under the weight of it all. I don’t feel encouraged and excited. I can feel ashamed and judged. We believe success or failure with resolutions tells us something about ourselves, such as whether or not we are good enough. No wonder we find it difficult to live up to them.

It doesn’t have to be this way. There is a perspective that can be expanding rather than limiting and these questions can be useful as you reflect on the coming year.

  • Who would you be if you stopped buying into the stories or narratives about what you’re supposed to do or be?

  • How would you approach this new year if you understood that accomplishments or failures tell you absolutely nothing about who you are? Read that one again.

  • How would things look different if you knew that you are already whole and that life is a game to play not to conquer or endure?

Take your time with these questions. Reflecting on them can be life changing.

Once you’ve reflected on these questions for a bit, you are ready to look back at the past year and plan for the next year, knowing that accomplishments and failures tell you nothing about who you are (yes, I slipped that in again!).

Are there changes you want to make in the coming year? If so, you could look at the situation objectively, without shame and judgment, without unrealistic expectations, without the painful narrative, and, conversely, without so much hype that you burn out by February.  

Looking back, even briefly, can bring much-needed clarity.

  • What went well? Take time to celebrate!

  • What understanding, strategies, systems, practices worked?

  • What didn’t work? No judgment allowed. Stick with the facts.

Next, envision the year ahead.

  • What do you want to create in your life or business?

  • What would it look like a year from now if you do create it? Be specific.

  • What do you need to put in place to be able to create what you envision?

  • What are you no longer willing to tolerate that gets in your way of creating what you desire

  • What are the specific next steps needed (doable and even tiny)?

You can hold all this lightly. There is no need to be rigid and demanding but reflection can lead to more clarity. Flexible structure can lead to more expansiveness and freedom. And remembering that the game of life is to be played, not conquered or endured, can lead to more flow and enjoyment.

As you enter into this holiday season, take some time to reflect. You are enough. There is nothing that needs to change to make you better or more acceptable. You are already whole.

And if you want to up your skill in the game of life or create something new, then, by all means, have it. Reflect on where you are now. Envision what you want. Determine your next steps. Put enough structure in place to support you. Watch yourself soar.

Check out this immersive and interactive program that I created For those who want to vision Their Year ahead and be all in for 2020

Would you like to explore a new perspective on resolutions right away? Would you like support in reflecting on the past year and envisioning 2020? I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar this week for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. Contact Me for a Clarity Call

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Perfectionism, Self-Doubt, and the Fear of Failure

My partner and I have a little 15’ skiff we call the Freida (named after my mama). She’s old but she runs like a champ and we love her. I’m mostly the captain of the Freida and my partner is the pro at launching and trailering her at the Dunedin Marina. It’s not easy backing a trailer. It requires overriding what the brain wants to do.

I decided that I need to learn to back the trailer. We went to a church parking lot where there is plenty of room to experiment. I’m highly coordinated so I assumed it was going to be fairly easy. I was wrong. It was crazy hard. I was surprised!

Not only that, I got irritated. Really irritated. With myself. I felt stupid and uncoordinated. Neither of which are true. Yet, in that moment, I bought into those feelings as if they were true. The result? I rushed, failed, and wanted to quit. I had barely given it a try!

Why are we so quick to judge ourselves? Why do we give ourselves such a hard time? What is this need to be perfect? I suppose we come to this innocently, steeped in a culture of immediate gratification, expectations, and the rigid separation between winners and losers.

My partner told me to breathe and slow down. After a few more frustrating moments, I did. I reset my expectations. There is nothing wrong me. It’s simply a matter of practice. So, I practiced again and again until I began to get the hang of it.

It may be easy to wake up to ourselves with something as insignificant as backing a trailer, but what about when it comes to mastering a new skill in your business, relationship, or some other significant change that is important to you? What can you do about perfectionism, fear of failure, or negative self-talk? How do you develop the grit to see it through?

My partner held the key.

Breathe. Slow down. Keep at it.

When we buy into perfectionism, self-doubt, and fear of failure, we cloud our clarity of action. You could imagine holding a snow globe and shaking it. The snow obscures the clarity of the scene within the globe. When we become agitated, it’s as if we keep shaking the snow globe and wonder why we can’t see the scene. This, of course, leads to more agitation.

When we take that breath and slow down, we give our clouded thinking and stressful emotions time to settle. Some may call this mindfulness.  

Mindfulness, as described by scientists, is the experience of paying close attention to the present in an open and accepting way. Daniel Siegal, a leading researcher and author in this area, says, “It’s our ability to pause before we react. It gives us the space of mind in which we can consider various options and then choose the most appropriate ones.”

Mindfulness is about noticing inner signals. When you are lost in thought or emotions, you don’t see as much or sense as much. But, when you focus your mind on the present moment, all your senses come alive.

Frustration (or any emotion) naturally occurs. You could think of your feelings as a bus that pulls up to the stop. You can hop on that bus or you can stay put and let the bus move on. You have no control over the bus coming and going but you don’t have to hop on it and even if you do, you can hop off at the next stop. Sometimes all it takes is one mindful breath.

I have a client who gets extremely nervous before entering an important business meeting. Through our work together, she has learned the simple practice of sitting at her desk and bringing her attention to her breath for 60-90 seconds. When she’s done, she exits the office and walks into her meeting grounded and ready for whatever unfolds.

This tiny mindfulness practice has changed her experience by bringing clarity which enables her to tackle whatever her day brings. She was shocked that such a simple practice could be so helpful.

We think it’s the big things that have to change. We believe that we have to lose the 20 pounds or learn to be a professional speaker or get the big raise that proves our worth before things will change but the truth is that it’s the little practices that make all the difference.

Take a breath. Slow down. Keep at it. 

Clarity is your superpower. It can only be found in the present moment. You see, as my client worried about how her colleagues would view her, she was projecting herself into the future imagining their reactions and judgments. No longer in the present moment, her anxiety rose and she went into the meetings defended and not fully present. She was only able to show up authentically and powerfully when she brought herself back to the present moment.

When we get caught up in an imagined future or in replaying a painful past, we can become confused, stressed, frustrated, or fearful. We lose our balance. Mindfulness is the remedy. Take a breath. Slow down. Return your focus to the present moment. That’s the only place you will find your clarity and it is always there, ready to offer up the answers you need.

If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on perfectionism, self-doubt, and fear of failure, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar this week for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. Contact Me

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How to Increase Your Confidence

What are the things you’d do, attempt, try, or create if you had unlimited confidence?

I read a book recently called The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance by Katty Kay & Clarie Shipman. I loved this book because it normalized my experience. I am not alone.

Research shows that women struggle more than men when it comes to confidence. One study by Brenda Major, a social psychologist, found that “men consistently overestimated their ability and subsequent performance (on a variety of tasks or tests), and that women routinely underestimated both. The actual performance did not differ in quality.”

Overestimating your abilities can actually work for you because you tend to put yourself out there more often. Underestimating them often works against you, keeping you in your head and insecure.

Kay & Shipman found that “success correlates more closely with confidence than it does with competence.”

I believe it. I’ve lived it. I have the education, training, skills, and experience I need, yet, self-doubt continues to nip at my heels from time to time.

Self-doubt may be the single biggest factor that has held me back in my life and I have seen it repeatedly in the lives of my clients. It’s insidious. Is there anything we can do about it?

We’ve come to believe that confidence is a feeling. That is not accurate. Confidence is much more about taking action despite how we feel.

In the final chapter of their book, Kay & Shipman give us this simple but effective prescription for confidence:

“Think Less. Take Action. Be Authentic.”

I find it interesting and, oh, so true, that the very first part of their prescription is to think less. Over-thinking, rumination, and running narratives ramp up feelings of self-doubt, insecurity, and fear.

Usain Bolt, an Olympic champion sprinter, routinely walked the sidelines before his races. Unlike the other runners who were doing rituals, stretches, and other preparations, Usain would chat with and greet spectators, with a big smile on his face. Reporters asked why he wasn’t preparing for the race as the other athletes were. He explained that he ran better with less on his mind. He did not want to focus too much on the race.

Confidence is about preparing well, clearing your mind, and taking action.

Usain prepared, cleared his mind by talking to spectators, and then he ran the race. He didn’t need to conjure up any feelings of confidence. Neither do we.

A few years ago, I went bungee jumping (yes, that’s me!). I won’t go into the hilarity (and cussing) that ensued but I was terrified. No feeling of confidence came. Ultimately, I had a choice: Jump or don’t jump. After protesting much too long, I dove. The feeling of confidence never came but the thrill certainly did. If I had taken my feelings of anxiety and self-doubt too seriously, if I had believed them, (and I almost did), I never would have jumped. I’m so glad I did!

Feelings of doubt and uncertainty tell you absolutely nothing about your situation or about you or your capabilities. They tell you only that you are thinking thoughts of doubt and uncertainty.

I was perfectly capable of diving off that 160-foot bridge over a glacier-fed river but my brain, who’s main job is to keep me safe, attempted to convince me that I would die. The only way to override the message of death was to dive.

Preparation + Clarity + Action = Confidence (or in some cases, the clarity and courage not to act). I had a moment of clarity and I dove.

Clarity is our natural state. The feeling of confidence comes and goes. When we are preoccupied with confidence, we stir up insecurity. When we aren’t so preoccupied with finding that feeling of confidence, we have more clarity and we can act, whether or not we feel confident. This is empowering!

We don’t have to wait for a feeling of confidence in order to act. We could dive and the sooner we do, the easier it will be (as my hip, young, bungee-jumping-coach suggested).

What’s the good news? A feeling of confidence is optional! That lifts the weight, opening you to unlimited confidence, true confidence. You don’t need the feeling you thought you needed in order to move forward. You don’t have to wait for that feeling to arrive. You can prepare and act. As you take your feelings less seriously and act despite them, it’s often the case that your feelings of confidence will increase. That’s just the cherry on top. Nothing more.

If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on confidence, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar this week for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. Contact Me

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You Are Not Alone

I’ve been thinking about depression a great deal lately. I used to suffer from it routinely. I really haven’t in years, until now. I thought it was something I had overcome forever. I was wrong.

It started a couple of months ago. I began working on a project with great enthusiasm. It turned out to be much harder than I expected. I wrongly determined that everything was at stake. When I ran into difficulty, I became discouraged and began to doubt. There is nothing unusual about such feelings arising and they certainly are not a problem. Discouragement and doubt are common human emotions in this roller-coaster life.

The discouragement became a problem only when I began taking it so seriously by believing my stories about the situation. It became a problem when I started to analyze and judge my feelings and make up meaning about the difficulty.

“I’m a failure. This should come easily, but since it doesn’t, something must be wrong with me. Others succeed in this kind of thing without so much struggle, I must not be cut out for it. The old message that I am slow must be true. I’m ashamed. I’m all alone. No one can understand.”  

It became a bigger problem when I decided that I shouldn’t have these feelings, especially since I’m a coach and teach about these things, and that I needed to hide them. I was no longer having my emotions, I became my emotions. I was ashamed. As I labeled the feelings a problem, my brain could only see a problem and “problem” became reinforced.

Neuroscience tells us that our brains can focus either on the problem or the solution. It cannot do both at the same time much like you can’t multiply and add a number at the same time.

Let’s imagine that I’m an attorney and I have a boss who intimidates me. I have the choice, whether or not I’m aware of it, to focus on the solution or the problem.

Imagine that I focus on the problem: Who do I become?

I find myself shrinking when my boss is around. I avoid my boss. I resort to unrealistic perfectionism in my attempts to please my boss. I feel increasing anxiety whenever my boss is around or even when I think of my boss. I present an inauthentic face to my boss that I can’t possibly sustain. I begin to feel more and more intimidated, maybe even resentful, and probably pretty down, which reinforces my feelings, blocking me from any solutions that may be available to me. My focus is narrowly upon my problem.

Now, let’s imagine that I focus on the solution: Who would I be?

I would be aware of the stories I am creating about my boss and about myself. I would see where my stories are made up rather than based in reality. I would focus on my strengths and lead with those. I would not be so afraid of my weaknesses, knowing that they tell me nothing about who I am truly. I would take initiative and show up as I understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities, and even necessary, for growth and mastery. I would practice self-compassion and courage despite how I feel. I would take my boss’s actions or non-actions towards me much less personally. Now, my focus has widened and I’m able to see more options and once again connect with resourcefulness, resilience, and wisdom.

But I didn’t focus on the solution. I focused on the problem and the problem grew. Depression set in. As I continued down the rabbit hole of analyzing, judging, and becoming my feelings, my sleep began to suffer, my body began to suffer, and, likely, my dopamine and serotonin neurotransmitters began to deplete. I took less and less action which reinforced the discouragement and inertia. I knew what I needed to do but couldn’t seem to do it.

That’s when I reached out for some support. I knew that the isolation and becoming my feelings rather than having my feelings were keeping the depression alive. I knew, despite feeling otherwise, that I wasn’t alone so I risked reaching out.

I let my partner know. I let me best friend know. I let my sister know. I let my coach know. Each, gladly, offered support in their own way. Despite how I felt, I began doing little things that could help me break the spell. Recognizing how my stories keep the depression alive and reaching out for support are helping me come back into balance once again.

When we are sick, we go to bed and sleep it off. Rarely do we judge and analyze ourselves. Rarely do we feel shame. We rest. Our bodies start to heal naturally.

Our psychological system works the same way. Feelings arise such as discouragement, fear, doubt, and insecurity. If we greet those feelings with understanding and compassion, they are free to move through us. We don’t have to take our emotions so damn seriously, as compelling as they are. We could watch them rise, peak, and dissipate. No matter how intense they are, they will move through in time. Our psychological system starts to heal naturally just as our physical system does.

We all have thoughts of discouragement and doubt. It’s normal and expected. We can’t stop them and we don’t need to. When we let those thoughts move through us, not subscribing to them, they dissipate more quickly. They don’t become a problem. And even if they do, we can unsubscribe from them at any time. We can wake up in any given moment. It may take our physical bodies a while to catch up, but they will. Our bodies and our minds want to return to balance and will with a little support and awareness.

There is no shame in feelings of discouragement, doubt, and depression. We’ve all been there to some extent or another. It is a normal human experience. It’s OK to have self-compassion. It’s OK to reach out for support. You are not alone.

If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on discouragement, doubt, or depression, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar this next week for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. Contact Me

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Self-Reflection vs. Self-Judgment

Pam and I were driving in Tampa the other day. Traffic was terrible. We came to a large intersection and were stopped by the light. We noticed another driver had pulled into the intersection and gotten stuck there when the light changed. He was smack dab in the middle of it all. The spotlight was on him. Now, he was blocking traffic. I’m sure you can imagine how that went over for all involved.

I imagined how I may have felt being stuck in the middle of that intersection. I imagined that I would have felt embarrassed! As we watched the man, I blurted out, “Don’t let the shame blind you from the lesson, man!” I chuckled… as if he could hear me. Then I thought about what I had said. How often do we make a mistake or go through a challenging time and feel a shame than binds us? I can think of countless times when I’ve been so caught up in the shame that it completely obscured my ability to self-reflect, to consider my options, and to tap into my innate wisdom, resilience, and resourcefulness. The shame blinded me from the lesson.

Every mistake we make, every challenge we deal with is an opportunity for reflection and learning. It seems that many of us believe that self-judgment and self-punishment will keep us on the straight and narrow. But do they? How is it for you when you are heaping on the judgment?

When I heap on judgment, punishment, or even constant analysis, I become mired in shame, rendering me paralyzed and overwhelmed. It feels terrible and I miss the opportunity to learn from my mistake. Instead, I may shut down and hide out, overeat, or go on a much-too-long Netflix binge and exacerbate the problem.

Self-reflection is looking at our mistakes objectively and without over-identifying with them. You are not your mistakes. You are not this difficulty. You are not the shame, guilt, or fear that your feel. You are the one who witnesses all of it. From this place of grounding, you are now able to reflect upon and consider where you may have gone wrong, and see how to best move forward from here with integrity. If you reflect on the mistake or misstep, you have the opportunity to learn something, make an adjustment, and make amends when needed.

Is reflection possible without judgment and spinning-out-of-control analysis? I believe so.

“We cannot see our reflection in running water.
It is only in still water that we can see.”
— Zen

Imagine a pond that has become turbulent and full of sediment. Let’s say that the turbulence comes from shame and guilt. You cannot find your way through all the turbulence. Now imagine that you go sit on the bank of the pond and wait for clarity. The pond’s natural state is clear and your natural state is wellbeing and wisdom. When you allow the sediment to settle, the pond returns to clarity. The same is true for you.

I’ve found it helpful to sit on the bank of reflection when I’ve made a mistake or gotten caught up in a difficult situation. As I think about how I reflect, I seem to follow something like this:

  1. Take a breath and slow way down.

  2. Notice whatever feeling is arising. If it’s shame, simply notice the feeling of shame.

  3. Recognize that the feeling of shame (or some other feeling) is simply telling you that you are having shameful thinking. The shame isn’t telling you anything about who you are or what you should do.

  4. Notice where in your body you are tightening or closing with the emotion. Bring your attention there and relax as best you can. It can be helpful to bring your breath right to the tightening or closing.

  5. As you relax and allow the thoughts of shame to move through you rather than attaching to them or adding additional thoughts to them, things will begin to settle and get clearer.

  6. As you become clearer, you are able to reflect upon the situation. Is there something you could’ve done differently that would be helpful going forward? Are there any amends to be made? Is there something in the present situation that you need to do or not do immediately? If nothing comes to mind, keep relaxing and waiting. There is no urgency here.

Your way will likely look different.

I’m suggesting that we could do much less analyzing and judging and much more relaxing and opening. Relaxing and opening bring us back to our natural clarity, wisdom, resilience, and felt sense of wellbeing. When we are grounded, we find our way with more ease and flow.

Self-reflection is important and helpful for growth and awareness. Self-judgment is not. There is a night-and-day difference that I’m sure you can feel. When you find yourself caught up in the paralysis of shame, that’s your wake-up call that you are buying into some shameful thinking. You could leave it alone and let it move through you. You could relax and open. From that place, you will find your way in each moment.

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If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on self-reflection and self-judgment, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar this next week for the first person who responds, at no charge to you. Contact Me

Coping with Grief and Loss

We’ve all experienced grief and loss and most certainly will again. They can be tricky times to navigate. Is there a way to cope well or are we destined to suffer? I suffered terribly when my mother died – for years. I suffered very little with my dad’s death. What was the difference? I’m beginning to see.

Today, my most adored friend lies in a hospital bed with her life in the balance. Two weeks ago, she was walking around in her typically vibrant manner. The next day, after surgery, she had a horrible stroke. Today, she may be nearing death. Needless to say, I am grieving.

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As I grieve, I notice something important, something helpful. I notice that grief itself is clear and clean. I notice that it is not a problem. When I let it be, it moves through me. Quite surprisingly, I don’t find it particularly difficult - deeply sad, yes, but not so horribly difficult as I had always thought grief to be. It’s not difficult, that is, until a stressful thought enters my mind that I feel compelled to follow. The pull is strong! The rabbit hole is deep with frightening twists and turns.

Here is how it goes: I feel the raw sadness. It is rich and pure. I shed tears, sobs even. There is no problem here. Then a thought pops up – Why did she choose that dangerous surgery? Why didn’t someone stop her? Why did I put off traveling to see her before now? She’s so young and vibrant! Why her? It’s not fair! If I attach to any one of those thoughts, I begin to spin an agonizing story. I become overwhelmed. I suffer greatly. Now, the grief is no longer something that is clear and healing. It becomes much more than grief. It becomes a terrible storm of pain.

I’m beginning to see that when grief is left alone and simply felt, it is not a problem. It’s not even particularly burdensome, but once we buy into the stressful thoughts that arise, we begin to suffer as we stitch one stressful thought together with another. It’s terrible. It’s frightening. It’s agonizing.

I can watch all this happen. There is that small space between the raw grief and the stressful thoughts. If I catch myself in the space between, then I can quietly observe the thoughts or I can identify with them and fling myself down that scary rabbit hole.

“Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.” I see it clearly right now. I do not have to suffer. As I drop the stories about what might have been, should have been, could have been, and accept what is, I’m left with the clean, raw emotions that will move through me in time. In time.

I can weep. I can mourn. I can stay present. There is nothing to fix, only something to allow. This understanding is life changing. We can learn to recognize that space between grief and stressful thoughts. We can practice paying attention and staying present. When we are present, we can see clearly what is needed in that moment, if anything.

Please understand, I know what it’s like to be lost in the tall grasses of grief. I do not take your grief and loss lightly. I do not minimize the pain those of you have felt when you’ve lost a loved one. I’m only suggesting that there is a difference between pain and suffering. I’m suggesting that grief is natural and wants to move through us. I’m suggesting that as we leave the stressful thoughts alone, the grief is free to come and go. I also understand that there will be times when we find ourselves deep in the frightening rabbit hole. At those times, all we can do is ride it out and give ourselves grace and compassion. These terrible, agonizing times shall pass, too, eventually.

A client of mine lost his wife a couple of years ago. She was young. He kept saying it wasn’t meant to be this way. This was not the future he believed would be his. He was suffering terribly. At some point, I assured him that this was always going to be his future, he just didn’t know it. It was never going to be anyway but this way. I did not say this to him in the first many months because he needed to be heard, he needed to cry, he needed to be exactly where he was with the grief. Then came the day that he was ready to hear this and it changed him. He saw something for himself that created a shift in him. He realized that it was true, this was always how it was going to be. Something in him relaxed. He cried but it was a peaceful, open, and healing cry. He dropped his story about how things should have been for him and his wife. He came to acceptance in that moment. Yes, he continued to go in and out of his stories about how things should have been, but he also begin to move forward with his life. He began finding joy again. He began to feel his resilience. He began to live the life that was before him now. It is beautiful to watch someone find their way through such loss.

I see now that the difference in my experience between my mother’s death and my father’s death were the thoughts that I stitched together and returned to repeatedly. I had a terrible story about mama’s death and I suffered it. I had acceptance about my father’s death and I didn’t suffer. Of course I wept and grieved, but I did not suffer. I believe that it is quite possible to grieve without suffering as we drop the sticky stories that would consume us.

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Today, I will grieve my dear friend with as much presence as I can, allowing the stressful stories to move through as they will. It’s an important day for her. If you are so inclined, would you mind taking a moment to think of her? Send her some healing energy? Some love? Pray for her? I would be deeply grateful.

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If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on grief, I’m opening up one session on my calendar this next week for the first person who responds, at no charge. Contact Me

How to Deal with Stressful Thoughts

I awake from a gentle, peaceful sleep. Within a split second, swoosh!, a jumble of thoughts fills my mind. Another split second, and the peaceful sleep is gone. I start stitching thoughts together, weaving a rather dramatic story about my impending day.  

I begin a stressful dialogue with myself. “Our guests are going to be disappointed that it’s raining on their vacation. I feel responsible somehow. I’ve got to make sure they have a good time. I don’t want them to be disappointed. I resent them for making me feel responsible! No, I’m making me feel responsible for something that I can’t control. What’s wrong with me that I do that?  It’s crazy! I really should be working, not goofing off with family.” I continue the stressful dialogue, going down the rabbit hole of discontent all because of a little rain.

I fall for the dramatic story. Now I’m living the story. I regard the story I’ve created as reality. I give the story my full attention and energy. It takes on a life of its own. I am at its mercy and I feel the heaviness.

I remain ensconced until I become conscious of what I’m doing. In that moment, I’m able to see the stressful story for what it is. Made up. Once I wake up to what I’m doing, I no longer completely identify with it. There is a little space between the story and me. Now, I can breathe a tad easier. I can take the story less seriously and less personally. As I release my grasp on the story, it begins to release its hold on me.

Like clouds dissipating after a storm, the story begins to evaporate. The occasional stressful thought kicks up, trying to gain momentum, but dies down quickly as I simply observe it and leave it alone. I’m free now to go about my day, letting it unfold moment to moment.

Viktor Frankl, who was a holocaust survivor and had every reason to despair, said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” There is a space. In that space, we can choose to follow the stressful thoughts down the rabbit hole or we can disengage from those thoughts and face our day with clarity, whatever it may hold.

This can feel impossible in the beginning as we feel that there is something to fight or solve, but there’s not. Rather, there is something to notice. You could begin to notice how you focus on a particular stressful thought, how you stitch stressful thoughts together forming a stressful dialogue, and how that becomes an unconscious habit. Noticing it makes the habit conscious. Once conscious, you can see the space. Now you have a choice to follow the stressful thoughts or let them dissipate in their own time.

Even still, there are times I become aware of that space, that moment of choice, and I go down the rabbit hole anyway. At those times, all I can do is ride it out and give myself some grace and compassion. I’m learning. I’m imperfect. It’s OK. I’m waking up. You’re waking up, too. You could have a bit more compassion for yourself.

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If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on stressful thoughts, I’m opening up one session on my calendar this next week for the first person who responds, at no charge. Contact Me