A Storm is Coming; Live it Once

I live on the west coast of Florida. Weather changes quickly, often offering little warning. We are used to it here. Storms come and go. In the case of hurricanes, we get early warnings which give us time to prepare as best we can. Our weatherman always emphasizes his rule #7: “Don’t freak out.” The storm will pass. It always does.

“EVERY STORM RUNS OUT OF RAIN”
Maya Angelou

Now, we are facing COVID-19, a novel virus to which humans have no immunity. I feel a low level of anxiety all around me. I think of this anxiety as a psychological storm that is gathering.

Psychological storms are much like storm clouds. Emotions arise suddenly and, too often, we are blindsided. We forget the blue sky of our true essence. We worry that the storm will never end. We live the fear of our imagined future. We live it again and again as if it were happening right now.

I have a puppy friend named Rosie who is terrified of thunderstorms. Rosie fears that the storm will harm her. Maybe it will, maybe it won't but she is living as if she’s being harmed right now even as she is safely nestled on her couch with her human hugging her. She’s living the imagined harm moment by moment, experiencing it repeatedly. All the while, she is safe and unharmed.

We are much the same, aren’t we? We fear an imagined future and we live it repeatedly as if it were true right now. We imagine worse case scenarios. We imagine inconvenience, stress, exhaustion, financial collapse, chaos, and death. We imagine it all and we experience it as if it’s happening right now.

COVID-19 is in our midst, yes. We know that people will be ill and lives will be lost. We already see our economy taking a huge hit. People’s hours are being cut at work or jobs lost altogether. We don’t know how this is going to play out. Already in my imagination, I can catch myself projecting all manner of crises into the future.

My question to you is this, what would life be like these next few months if you lived this COVID-19 storm only once? Just once. If you are imagining financial ruin, what would it be like for you to drop your story about it and live whatever does come to pass? What would it be like for you if you stopped imagining how this virus is going to play out and simply live what actually does happen?

Do you see what I mean? I have no idea how this virus is going to play out. It may not be as bad is we fear or it may be a devastating disaster but let’s live it only once, in the moment. Let’s trust that we humans can come together, unite, and find our way through this. After all, we’ve survived for millennia.

Here's what I’ve discovered: when I stop imagining that the virus is going to wreak complete and utter destruction, I’m able to face the situation with more clarity, resourcefulness, and energy than when I’ve worried myself to death about it.

Situations almost always turn out differently than you imagine and if they don’t, you only have to live it once instead of repeatedly in your imagination.

This understanding has been a game-changer for me and my clients in many ways, from simple situations to more difficult situations.

I remember when my dad got sick with cancer. I was worried about how it would be, if I could handle it, and how awful things could get, especially since we’d never been close. Yes, there were difficulties for sure, but it turns out that those two years were healing for us. Against all odds, years of anger and disappointment dissipated and a tender love filled the void. It could have been just the opposite but why live it more than once?

I used to believe that if I worried about the future, I might be more prepared for it. I find the opposite to be true. When I worry, I become stressed, unclear, and less resourceful and responsive. I become too confused and unclear to plan wisely. I’m less prepared and less capable.

When you are grounded in the present moment, you see much more clearly and you can take appropriate action. You’re able to access your intuition and deep wisdom. You are able to respond creatively and resourcefully. We humans are built for the reality of this present moment.

You see, the storm always passes. Let’s live this COVID-19 storm only once knowing that the clear blue sky of our wellbeing always remains. We will find our way.

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“Breathe, my love. Like any long labor, we are going to take this one breath at a time.” Valerie Kaur

MY WORK AS A COACH focuses on helping people move through anxiety. This is my wheel house.

As a result of the unfolding COVID-19 situation, I am offering one-off sessions for free or pay what you wish for those who are anxious about the current state of affairs.

This is a sincere offer. I want to help and I know that supporting you will help me stay calm and grounded. I need you, too!

So, please, contact me up. I’m available.

I learned a long time ago to ask for help. Please don’t hesitate to ask and please don’t let finances stand in your way.

I can help.

You are not alone. ❤️

Carla Royal

How to Overcome Over-Thinking

“EVERY STORM RUNS OUT OF RAIN”
Maya Angelou

What a great quote. It’s one of the best lines I’ve ever heard. There hasn’t been a single time that this has not been so.

Last fall, I went through a rough couple of months. I confess that it was simply and purely a matter of telling myself a story that wasn’t true about a particular set of circumstances. I bought into my own misguided narrative. Hook, line, and sinker.

Sometime later, the storm of my story and the accompanying emotions ran out of rain. Interestingly and importantly, my circumstances had not changed. Not at all. The only thing that changed was the narrative or the story that I told myself about the circumstances.

You see, I had unrealistic expectations. I had decided that things shouldn’t be the way they were. I was living in fear that things would never change. Of course, change is inevitable. I know this in my bones. But, I got locked into what I call exponential thinking.

Exponential thinking is when we pile on thinking upon thinking upon thinking. We do this innocently. Some people call this the monkey mind. One of my California clients calls it KF*CK Radio.

You could imagine a snow globe that contains a beautiful scene. You can see that scene perfectly until you start shaking it, then the scene becomes obscured. There is no longer any clarity. Even when you stop shaking the globe, it takes a while for the snow to settle. You’ve got to wait a bit.

You could think of exponential thinking as the shaking of the snow globe. It’s something we all do and most of us do it unconsciously.

If we can wake up to how we do this, we’ll be able to clear our “snow globe”, “monkey mind” more quickly and more easily. I even propose that when we wake up to our exponential thinking, truly seeing it for what it is, we won’t be as bothered by it because we won’t be so overly identified with it.

Here’s a quick and easy exercise you can play with. It doesn’t take much time but it can have a profound impact on you. You could think of it as a way to stop shaking the snow globe of your mind.

I’ll start by giving you an example of how to do the exercise. This is a typical situation that most of us find ourselves in from time to time: You are busy at your desk when your boss, colleague, client, or spouse enters or calls to deliver some information. The person is quite curt. What do you do?

Many of us start making up reasons why the person is being curt with us. Humans are meaning making machines. We want to know WHY.

On a good day, we might wonder if they are OK or if something bad happened. On a bad day, we may take it terribly seriously and personally. “What a jerk!” “Who do they think they are??” “Oh my god, I did something wrong but I don’t know what it is!” “Several people have been laid off lately to cut costs, maybe I’m next!” “How in the world am I going to explain getting fired to my spouse??” Sleepless nights and rehearsing imaginary conversations may ensue.

This example shows what I mean by exponential thinking. It’s when we get carried away with our imagination as we try to make sense of what is happening.

Rather than directly asking the person what is going on, we spin out inside our minds or we get others involved in colluding with us. Either way, we are going down the rabbit hole of exponential thinking which is just like shaking the snow globe and completely obscuring our clarity and felt sense of wellbeing.

When you feel yourself caught up in a runaway story in a situation like this, that’s your wake up call to put the snow globe down and let the confusion settle so that you can find your way clearly again.

One way to stop shaking the globe is by using this diagram. Inside the lines, place the FACT of your particular situation. Example: “Boss is curt”. Outside the lines place your STORY about the situation. Example: “Boss is a jerk.”

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Now you try it. Filling out your own diagram can help you wake up to your exponential thinking. Often times, waking up to yourself is all that’s needed to be able to release those stories. Other times, those stories really do sock in and you simply must wait for the storm to clear.

It can help knowing that every storm runs out of rain. Always. You can find your way.

If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore more deeply how to overcome overthinking, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. In person, Zoom, FaceTime, or Zoom. Contact Me

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Are You Hiding in Plain Sight?

I’ve had a life-long fear of being seen. I know I’m not the only one. Many people are hiding in plain sight with this fear. When I reflect, I can see that it comes down to a fear of not measuring up, being seen as imperfect or as a fraud, being inadequate, or worse yet, being seen as fundamentally flawed. While this has become less of an issue as I’ve worked through these things, it still rears its head. Can you relate?

We live in an overly individualistic society. In fact, individualism is highly applauded in many ways. The demands are extreme that we look and act just right, excel, are successful (in very particular ways), are culturally beautiful, that we are all things to all people, and that we go it alone. It’s too heavy!

The demands are impossible but we don’t dare let anyone see our struggles, we simply do our best to bear up under it all, hiding in plain sight, — until we can’t any longer. I think of Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, and many others. Social media has only proven to increase these demands and the craziness of it all.

Almost all of us feel the pressure to conform to some extent or another. But at what cost? What price do you pay when you hide your imperfections and pain day in and day out?

The price is paid in many forms: fatigue, anxiety, shame, difficulty speaking up, poor sleep, a compromised immune system, avoidance, loneliness despite how many people are around, compromised relationships, poor work performance, overworking to the point of exhaustion, over drinking, overly guarded, and much more.

So many people are hiding in plain sight, quietly dealing with the anxiety of it all.

What can we do about this?

When I’m working with a client dealing with these kinds of unrealistic demands, whether external or internal, I first point them in the direction of who they are at their essence, before the demands.

This desire we have to hide or not be seen is not a result of our true self, it’s a result of not being in touch with our true self. We want to protect our ego or our image of ourselves, but the true self doesn’t need protecting.

Each of us comes into this world with certain innate characteristics. You can see this in very young children. They are happy, curious, playful, creative, comfortable with themselves, responsive, open, resilient, and so on. They have an amazing capacity to feel all of their explosive emotions and then let those emotions move through them naturally and quickly. Of course, these characteristics can become quite hidden, even very early on, when trauma is involved but those qualities are still there.

These are the qualities that are innate to us as adults. Each of us has innate wisdom, resilience, intuition, insight, resourcefulness, love, and wellbeing but we may be quite out of touch with them.

The solution is to come home to yourself, before all of the beliefs, demands, and expectations that have been placed on you and that you now place on yourself.

You are not damaged, not at your core. Yes, your ego, reputation, or physical body may be damaged, but who you truly are can never be damaged. However, we get confused living in a culture that tells us otherwise. This is the first misunderstanding to clear up.

Secondly, it’s important to wake up to the beliefs, stories, and narratives that you are buying into — that we all buy into — that cloud your clarity about who you really are.

A story I bought into for many years that nearly destroyed me was that my heart is evil above all else. I believed I couldn’t trust myself and when I did inevitably fail, I used that as proof that the evil-heart story was true. I carried terrible shame for decades all because of this one story. Shedding that belief has freed me up in ways I never believed possible.

What are the stories, beliefs, and narratives that hinder you and keep you from knowing your true essence? It could be an expectation from a parent that you’ve internalized. It could be a cultural demand that tells you exactly what beauty and success must look like. Or a religious edict that you can’t seem to escape. It could be that you are buying into day-to-day stressful thoughts.

Who would you be without these stories?

You could think of it this way:

  1. Everyone has innate wellbeing, resourcefulness, wisdom, creativity, and insight. Sometimes you are more dialed into these qualities than other times.

  2. If you are too down or even too hyped up — hyper, angry, frustrated, agitated, fearful, etc. — these thoughts can become clustered and loud. Like a tornado in your head. The wisdom and insight are there but you can’t hear them. You may feel like hiding.

  3. Your default setting is wellbeing and when you are dialed into that, your thoughts don’t stop but you don’t engage them so much. You could imagine your thoughts on a conveyor belt - coming and going - slower and more peaceful. Now your innate wisdom, resourcefulness, and creativity have a chance to be heard and supports you in moving your life forward with more ease and flow. Now the fear of being seen subsides.

Thoughts Scream                                                   Wisdom Whispers

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When you quiet your insecure or anxious thinking and overactive imagination, even temporarily, you are able to access your inner wisdom, resourcefulness, and wellbeing. Now you are in touch with who you really are and who you really are has no need to hide or fear being seen.

When you find yourself wanting to hide and not be seen, this could be your wakeup call that you have lost sight of who you really are. It could be your wakeup call that you are buying into stressful stories, narratives, or beliefs that cloud your innate clarity.

When you realize you’ve lost sight of who you are and that you are caught up in stressful thoughts that make you want to hide, look for the stories, beliefs, and narratives behind those thoughts. That’s where you’ll find your suffering. When you recognize them for what they are, you can begin dropping them, allowing them to dissipate and you can return to the clarity of who you truly are. You are safe there. From that place, you can take action or not. You can be seen if that’s needed. You can live your life freely.

If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on being seen, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar for the next week for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. Contact Me

Carla Royal Professional Life and Business Coach

Peace on Earth. Is it Even Possible?

I’ve recently discovered a new (to me) artist and I love his music. Fred Neil. He has a rich baritone voice, great lyrics, and mad guitar skills. He was a singer-song writer in the 60s and 70s. He influenced musicians like Joni Mitchell, Crosby, Stills, Karen Dalton, and more. He grew up in St. Petersburg, FL which is only 40 minutes from where I live now.

In addition to his music, he was most passionate about dolphins. He founded the Dolphin Research Project in 1970 which is an organization dedicated to stopping the capture, trafficking, and exploitation of dolphins worldwide. He gradually faded from the music scene as he became more and more involved with the dolphins (which makes me love him even more!).

He wrote a beautiful song entitled The Dolphins. This is my favorite verse:

Lord, I'm not the one to tell this old world how to get along
I only know that peace will come when all our hate is gone
I've been a-searchin' for the dolphins in the sea

I’ve thought a lot about these lyrics. Most of us have this idea that we know what’s best for this old world. But do we? Can we be certain? Are we certain enough to disenfranchise whole groups of people because they don’t agree with us? I see the divide in this country, and beyond, deepening every day (or so it seems to me). Am I enabling or even facilitating that divide?

When I look closely, I can see that the divide resides within me. I am divided.

I am divided.

I can feel the me that I find acceptable and I can find the me that is not acceptable. Of course, neither is actually Me, the true me. The me I’m talking about here is the ego me, the constructed me. I want to flaunt the acceptable me and I want to obliterate the unacceptable me.

I awoke this morning with negative thoughts about myself.

“What’s wrong with you that you….??” “Why can’t you…??” “You’ll never….!”

I woke up bullying myself!

I caught myself pretty quickly and brought it to a halt but I don’t always stop immediately. I would NEVER let someone speak to me the way I sometimes speak to myself. Ever! Yet, I can do it to myself for days on end when I don’t wake up to myself.

What does this have to do with this old world? I believe it has everything to do with it. If I’m divided within myself, how can I expect to not divide out there? Assuming there even is an out there. Fred says, “I’m not the one to tell this old world how to get along. I only know that peace will come when all our hate is gone.

Peace will come when all hate is gone. Peace will come when I’m no longer divided within. Peace will come when I fully accept Carla in all of her messy humanness. Only then can I fully accept you and those even more different from me than you are. Only then can I accept you even when you don’t accept me.

If we want peace on earth, we must first find peace within ourselves. I believe this. I really do believe this. It’s why I love the work that I do. I see my ultimate role as helping folks come home to themselves, come to acceptance of themselves. It’s what I’ve worked on personally for decades (I still do).

I spent decades depressed for two reasons that I can see at this point. One, I carried way too much shame and lack of acceptance for myself, largely due to family, religious, and cultural expectations. Two, I believed that peace was only available in the “afterlife”. I had no acceptance of THIS life. I didn’t have both feet planted firmly here, now. I was always waiting for something better and I was always waiting to be better. That is, I did not accept me now in this life here. No wonder I was depressed.

Only after having a close encounter with death (what I call my break-down break-through) over 20 years ago, did I wake up to my problem:

I did not accept myself and
I did not accept this life.

I suppose that’s as good a definition of hate as there is. Once I saw this, everything changed. Everything. On the other side of my close encounter with death, I awoke to the perfection of the here and now.

Initially, it was so bright and clear. It was so easy to be awake with all the clarity in the world. But over the weeks, months, and years, the cultural pull to dwell in the past and worry about the future (or longing for an imagined future) began to impinge upon me. I could feel the pull away from NOW. This culture is an expert NOW-avoider.

The work I do both personally and professionally is largely about waking up to ourselves. Catching ourselves with one foot in the past and one in the future, which keeps us dangerously off balance in the moment. It’s no wonder folks are terribly stressed and depressed. We’ve forgotten that we are built for the reality of this present moment — like the gazelles.

The gazelles on the African Savannah know this. They graze, completely relaxed and alert. Not hyper-alert but relaxed and alert, you might even say Mindful. The lion gives chase. Cortisol, adrenalin, and stress flood the Gazelle’s system. They run and leap across the Savannah. The lion breaks away, or even takes a gazelle, and the chase is over. Within 5 minutes — 5 minutes — the gazelles are grazing again, relaxed and alert.

They do not live in fear. They live in the moment. They know the lion can come at any time. They don’t worry about it. They don’t dwell on it. They don’t imagine it happening again. No, in the moment, they allow their system to work as it’s designed to work. Relaxed, alert, adrenaline rush when needed.

They accept life on its own terms. They accept themselves as they are. They are at peace, even though the lion dwells among them. Such beautiful acceptance.

Beautiful acceptance. That’s what I aim for. That’s what I guide my clients to. Because “I only know that peace will come when all our hate is gone.”

I can’t think of anything more radical than coming to peace with ourselves, true peace and acceptance. Only then can we hope to heal the divide.

Peace on earth is an inside job.

Only when we discover peace within (where it has always and only been) can we go out into the world and hope to help. Or so it seems to me.

If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on peace, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar this week for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. Contact Me

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It's the New Year but I'm Discouraged!

It may be that you awoke discouraged on the first day of this new year. After all, you had high hopes for 2019 and things didn’t go as you planned. You may have had devastating and unexpected losses. You may have had unexplained and persistent illness. You may have fought depression or anxiety. Maybe you didn’t live up to your expectations of yourself and you feel like a failure.  

People around you are excited about 2020 but you may not be feeling it. I want you to know that I understand. I had a less than stellar 2019. I had hopes and dreams that I didn’t realize. It occurs to me that a bit of grieving may be in order before diving into 2020 with gusto.

I hadn’t considered that grieving could be the balm that heals enough to open the way for a new year. We tend to dive in head first without taking stock, without acknowledging our disappointments, without grieving our losses. Perhaps doing so would make for a better start to the new year.

It may be that you want to hide your disappointment and discouragement. I admit that that’s my tendency. After all, I have an image to protect! Or so I sometimes believe. I suppose we come by this desire to hide our vulnerabilities innocently in this world of pristine social media images. The expectation to be perfect is compelling and outrageous. It hurts us.

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I found this post on Facebook and it resonates with me. We are so quick to leap into the new year, hoping for a new me, looking at all that needs fixing. In addition to grieving our losses and disappointments, perhaps it would behoove us to also celebrate our tenacity and resilience. After all, if you are reading this, you have a 100% successful survival rate. That’s nothing to sneeze at.

So, I encourage you (and me) to take time to acknowledge your disappointments, to grieve, and then to celebrate the “old you”. You are brilliant. You are star stuff. You are perfect just as you are.

From that place, you are ready to envision and plan for this new year. How do you want to show up in 2020? Who would you be without your unrealistic expectations for yourself? Who would you be without access to a single thought about what others think of you or expect of you? Who would you be with more compassion and acceptance of your humanness?

Yes, at your essence you are perfect and you are also gloriously imperfect. These two ideas are not mutually exclusive. What a relief it would be to acknowledge, accept, and embrace this truth.

And if you want to play a bigger game in 2020, by all means, have at it. But playing a bigger game says nothing about who you truly are at your essence — that tenacious, resilient, wise, bright you. Look there. Look to your essence rather than to the constructed, made-up, imperfect you that is trying to fit into this demanding culture. You will find your ground there and from that place you can decide how you want to show up in 2020.

May you find peace. May you find comfort. May you live with more ease and flow. I sincerely wish you and yours a happy new year.

IN-VISION 2020 begins January 6th. This affordable program will give you the support, clarity, and traction you need to sort out your life, envision the next year, set your intentions, and make sustainable headway to creating the life you most desire. Early bird price is over, but if you email me and ask, I’ll be happy to give you the early bird price.

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How to Make the Most of 2020

2019 is almost over. 2020 is soon to dawn. A new year, a new decade. It is a significant time. A significant transition.

There is nothing magical about the passing of time. Nothing magical about a new year and a new decade. Really, it’s just another day. Yet, there is an opportunity here for deep reflection.

It’s easy to get caught up in the day to day demands. It’s easy to continue in our same old patterns, or as Hobbs says, “staying the course” … whether or not it’s working for us.

The brain’s primary job is to keep us safe. It wants what is familiar. It wants to conserve energy. This may explain, in part, why we struggle to keep the resolutions many of us declare at the beginning of every new year.  

Deep reflection can engage the area of the brain that can help us override an overly cautious attachment to safety and familiarity. Just simply stating that can feel a tad threatening. Yet, developing a capacity for change and flexibility could be one of our greatest assets, especially in these chaotic times.

Deep reflection can get underneath the superficial “wants” such as losing 20 pounds so I’ll look more presentable to a demanding culture. That “want” will not sustain us. But if we can look deeper, we may find a compelling reason to lose those pounds, or we may come to a deep acceptance of our weight exactly as it is.

When we can uncover the deeper meaning behind the changes we want to make, we’ll have a better chance of overriding a very powerful brain that wants safety and familiarity at all cost.

This is the point of visioning our future, creating intentions, and setting up enough structure and accountability to support ourselves.

I intend to join the gym this year. This intention comes from a place of deep reflection. I want to get stronger and more flexible. I want to be healthier as I enter my 60th year. Yet, I could feel the resistance immediately. My powerful brain wants things to stay the same.

I reflected, I found the deeper meaning, but if I don’t set up some flexible structure and accountability, I won’t follow through. The moment a friend and I decided to meet at the gym on specific days, I felt immediate relief. I don’t have to do this alone. After all, humans are social creatures.

When is the last time you invested in YOU in a significant way? How are you going to support yourself in this new decade? And why does it matter? How will you satisfy your brain’s need for safety and familiarity AND move your life forward in the way that you most desire?

Your next decade deserves some deep reflection, intention, preparation, and a flexible plan. Without it, you’ll likely repeat the same old, same old. And that’s perfectly OK if it’s working for you.

As for me, I’m off to the gym. I wish you and yours a brilliant new year and new decade. Be well!

IN-VISION 2020 begins January 6th. This affordable program will give you the support, clarity, and traction you need to sort out your life, envision the next year, set your intentions, and make sustainable headway to creating the life you most desire. Early bird price is available until 11:59 PM EDT December 31st!

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How to Handle Holiday Stress

Emotions of all sorts get stirred up during the holidays. Joy, anticipation, gratitude, sorrow, longing, and irritability are just a few. Some folks draw energy from the season. Others are utterly exhausted and depressed.

I remember dreading the holidays. They were painful for me. Often, I’d suffer for a full month. I was living in memories of past holidays that didn’t go well and worried about what might go wrong in the upcoming holiday. On top of that, I often felt shame about all that I didn’t accomplish during the past year, then worry about the coming year and stress about how things might go awry. All of this was a recipe for a miserable holiday time.

Lao Tzu says, “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”

It’s easy to get caught up in thoughts of past and future. We all do it. Innocently. The trick is to wake up to ourselves, with compassion.

I have a client who is a confident, highly successful corporate consultant and trainer. She confessed to me that she was feeling terribly anxious about visiting her mother for the holidays. She had gained some weight since she last saw her mom. She anticipated that her mom would open the door to her and immediately start in on her about her weight. After all, she’d done it numerous times in the past.

I asked my client how she reacted when she believed her mother would receive her in this way. She said that she became defended, on guard, ashamed, angry, and withholding. She would shut down.

I asked if she thought her mother would feel all of that defensiveness. She knew that her mom would feel it and would most likely react negatively to it. I then asked her how it would be to visit her mother without the belief that she would give her grief about her weight.

She said she would be more open. She’d feel lighter. She would be present and not preoccupied with her mother’s reaction to her weight. I saw her breathe a sigh of relief as she understood that how she showed up had nothing to do with her mother’s behavior.

We both recognized that no matter how she entered, her mom very well may be critical of her weight. But rather than living that moment again and again before the visit, she recognized that she only had to live it once at the time it happens, if it happens.

So, she opened herself. She dropped her defensiveness. She dropped the story about how her mom was going to react. She dropped her judgment about her weight gain. She arrived at her mother’s house for Thanksgiving with presence and love. Her mom opened the door and beamed. She embraced her daughter and told her how good she looked and how happy she was to see her.

My client was able to bring herself into the present moment and find peace. She was able to find her way forward from that place of presence. And while it may have been difficult if her mom had been critical instead of loving, which was a very real possibility, she would have had more access to her own resourcefulness and emotional reserves. She would’ve been more able to respond from a place of groundedness, love, and wisdom. It wouldn’t have shaken her to her core.

Listen, the holidays can be tough. You could be gentle with yourself. You could give yourself a break and have compassion for yourself. You could have compassion for those around you who may be struggling, too. It can be a tricky time.

As much as possible, keep bringing yourself back to this moment. Recognize when you are living in a memory of a difficult past. Recognize when you are stressing about something that is not yet happening and may not happen.

When you can catch yourself living in the past or the future, you are able to bring yourself back to this moment where you have access to your essential nature: love, wisdom, peace, wellbeing, resilience, and more. All this will support you no matter what you face.

My family and I send you warmest season’s greetings. May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be you be healthy. May you live life with ease.

I’ve opened the doors to IN-VISION 2020! A 4-week intensive, virtual program beginning January 6th. I will work with you each day for 4 weeks to help you create a unique, practical yearlong plan to stay on track to fulfill your dreams for 2020 without the need for resolutions. EARLYBIRD pricing available now and it’s a steal of a deal. Space is limited.

Resolutions and the New Year: What Works and What Doesn’t

I tend to cringe a little when I hear the word resolution. The idea of resolutions and habits can remind me of failure and unreasonable expectations. The idea of discipline can remind me of my rigid dad and my fundamentalist background. The idea of structure and systems sounds too confining. These are all stories I’ve made up and these stories do not serve.

But here we are again, that time of year when we begin thinking of resolutions. “Oh my god, I need to lose 15 pounds. I need to increase my business. I need to exercise more. I need to be better at socializing. I need to put stronger habits in place.” The list goes on.

I can feel myself collapse a little under the weight of it all. I don’t feel encouraged and excited. I can feel ashamed and judged. We believe success or failure with resolutions tells us something about ourselves, such as whether or not we are good enough. No wonder we find it difficult to live up to them.

It doesn’t have to be this way. There is a perspective that can be expanding rather than limiting and these questions can be useful as you reflect on the coming year.

  • Who would you be if you stopped buying into the stories or narratives about what you’re supposed to do or be?

  • How would you approach this new year if you understood that accomplishments or failures tell you absolutely nothing about who you are? Read that one again.

  • How would things look different if you knew that you are already whole and that life is a game to play not to conquer or endure?

Take your time with these questions. Reflecting on them can be life changing.

Once you’ve reflected on these questions for a bit, you are ready to look back at the past year and plan for the next year, knowing that accomplishments and failures tell you nothing about who you are (yes, I slipped that in again!).

Are there changes you want to make in the coming year? If so, you could look at the situation objectively, without shame and judgment, without unrealistic expectations, without the painful narrative, and, conversely, without so much hype that you burn out by February.  

Looking back, even briefly, can bring much-needed clarity.

  • What went well? Take time to celebrate!

  • What understanding, strategies, systems, practices worked?

  • What didn’t work? No judgment allowed. Stick with the facts.

Next, envision the year ahead.

  • What do you want to create in your life or business?

  • What would it look like a year from now if you do create it? Be specific.

  • What do you need to put in place to be able to create what you envision?

  • What are you no longer willing to tolerate that gets in your way of creating what you desire

  • What are the specific next steps needed (doable and even tiny)?

You can hold all this lightly. There is no need to be rigid and demanding but reflection can lead to more clarity. Flexible structure can lead to more expansiveness and freedom. And remembering that the game of life is to be played, not conquered or endured, can lead to more flow and enjoyment.

As you enter into this holiday season, take some time to reflect. You are enough. There is nothing that needs to change to make you better or more acceptable. You are already whole.

And if you want to up your skill in the game of life or create something new, then, by all means, have it. Reflect on where you are now. Envision what you want. Determine your next steps. Put enough structure in place to support you. Watch yourself soar.

Check out this immersive and interactive program that I created For those who want to vision Their Year ahead and be all in for 2020

Would you like to explore a new perspective on resolutions right away? Would you like support in reflecting on the past year and envisioning 2020? I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar this week for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. Contact Me for a Clarity Call

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