I’ve been thinking about depression a great deal lately. I used to suffer from it routinely. I really haven’t in years, until now. I thought it was something I had overcome forever. I was wrong.

It started a couple of months ago. I began working on a project with great enthusiasm. It turned out to be much harder than I expected. I wrongly determined that everything was at stake. When I ran into difficulty, I became discouraged and began to doubt. There is nothing unusual about such feelings arising and they certainly are not a problem. Discouragement and doubt are common human emotions in this roller-coaster life.

The discouragement became a problem only when I began taking it so seriously by believing my stories about the situation. It became a problem when I started to analyze and judge my feelings and make up meaning about the difficulty.

“I’m a failure. This should come easily, but since it doesn’t, something must be wrong with me. Others succeed in this kind of thing without so much struggle, I must not be cut out for it. The old message that I am slow must be true. I’m ashamed. I’m all alone. No one can understand.”  

It became a bigger problem when I decided that I shouldn’t have these feelings, especially since I’m a coach and teach about these things, and that I needed to hide them. I was no longer having my emotions, I became my emotions. I was ashamed. As I labeled the feelings a problem, my brain could only see a problem and “problem” became reinforced.

Neuroscience tells us that our brains can focus either on the problem or the solution. It cannot do both at the same time much like you can’t multiply and add a number at the same time.

Let’s imagine that I’m an attorney and I have a boss who intimidates me. I have the choice, whether or not I’m aware of it, to focus on the solution or the problem.

Imagine that I focus on the problem: Who do I become?

I find myself shrinking when my boss is around. I avoid my boss. I resort to unrealistic perfectionism in my attempts to please my boss. I feel increasing anxiety whenever my boss is around or even when I think of my boss. I present an inauthentic face to my boss that I can’t possibly sustain. I begin to feel more and more intimidated, maybe even resentful, and probably pretty down, which reinforces my feelings, blocking me from any solutions that may be available to me. My focus is narrowly upon my problem.

Now, let’s imagine that I focus on the solution: Who would I be?

I would be aware of the stories I am creating about my boss and about myself. I would see where my stories are made up rather than based in reality. I would focus on my strengths and lead with those. I would not be so afraid of my weaknesses, knowing that they tell me nothing about who I am truly. I would take initiative and show up as I understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities, and even necessary, for growth and mastery. I would practice self-compassion and courage despite how I feel. I would take my boss’s actions or non-actions towards me much less personally. Now, my focus has widened and I’m able to see more options and once again connect with resourcefulness, resilience, and wisdom.

But I didn’t focus on the solution. I focused on the problem and the problem grew. Depression set in. As I continued down the rabbit hole of analyzing, judging, and becoming my feelings, my sleep began to suffer, my body began to suffer, and, likely, my dopamine and serotonin neurotransmitters began to deplete. I took less and less action which reinforced the discouragement and inertia. I knew what I needed to do but couldn’t seem to do it.

That’s when I reached out for some support. I knew that the isolation and becoming my feelings rather than having my feelings were keeping the depression alive. I knew, despite feeling otherwise, that I wasn’t alone so I risked reaching out.

I let my partner know. I let me best friend know. I let my sister know. I let my coach know. Each, gladly, offered support in their own way. Despite how I felt, I began doing little things that could help me break the spell. Recognizing how my stories keep the depression alive and reaching out for support are helping me come back into balance once again.

When we are sick, we go to bed and sleep it off. Rarely do we judge and analyze ourselves. Rarely do we feel shame. We rest. Our bodies start to heal naturally.

Our psychological system works the same way. Feelings arise such as discouragement, fear, doubt, and insecurity. If we greet those feelings with understanding and compassion, they are free to move through us. We don’t have to take our emotions so damn seriously, as compelling as they are. We could watch them rise, peak, and dissipate. No matter how intense they are, they will move through in time. Our psychological system starts to heal naturally just as our physical system does.

We all have thoughts of discouragement and doubt. It’s normal and expected. We can’t stop them and we don’t need to. When we let those thoughts move through us, not subscribing to them, they dissipate more quickly. They don’t become a problem. And even if they do, we can unsubscribe from them at any time. We can wake up in any given moment. It may take our physical bodies a while to catch up, but they will. Our bodies and our minds want to return to balance and will with a little support and awareness.

There is no shame in feelings of discouragement, doubt, and depression. We’ve all been there to some extent or another. It is a normal human experience. It’s OK to have self-compassion. It’s OK to reach out for support. You are not alone.

If this blog post resonates with you or if you’d like to explore a new perspective on discouragement, doubt, or depression, I’m opening up two sessions on my calendar this next week for the first two people who respond, at no charge to you. Contact Me