In this episode we explore belonging and loneliness. We all want to belong. There seems to be so much disconnection in the world, not digitally but in our own minds, there can be a deep sense of aloneness. Without the possibility to be among people and have that physical comfort of being together, many feel isolated and lack community. But what is that desire to belong and where does that sense of belonging really come from?
Here’s what we explored:
why do we all want to belong?
we want to feel safe, accepted, and secure
the feeling of aloneness can be acute and seem unbearable
we often gravitate to things, environments, groups of people where we think we could belong
when those options are shut down, you get thrown back on yourself
if we're used to filling our days with company and activity and projects, it can be a very uncomfortable place to be
is there a deeper sense of belonging we've missed in our busyness?
not to say that human contact is not a deep human need and being deprived of it has an impact
it's common for people not to enjoy their own company, in fact, we can go to great lengths to avoid being alone with ourselves
we are pack animals and the brain wants to find safety in a tribe
cults can appeal to that desire to belong and connect
what is the real source of connection and belonging?
we forget that we are animals, we are a part of nature
getting out into nature can be a way to get back in contact with a deeper dimension of being
it's interesting to notice, there will be places in our lives where we instinctively get settled and curious, for us that is when we are in conversation with clients
we may experience a deeper sense of connection out in nature or when doing hobbies or with loved ones or pets
Juliet wonders do we just revert to old patterns of thought when we are alone?
do we, or could we extend that same interest and curiosity to ourselves when we are at large in our own minds?
'pondering' feels much nicer than 'ruminating' which suggests grinding and old habits of thought
there is a deeper dimension, it's an ordinary, everyday occurrence, when we drop out of that habitual thought, even if just for a moment
in that deeper dimension, there is no sense of being alone or not alone
within the mental chatter, we can feel everything: lonely, bored, fed up but it's ever-changing
is this time nudging us and sometimes kicking us to go inward
do we fear that depth? Sometimes we love the idea; sometimes we avoid it at all costs
sometimes people get so so busy and then if they stop, they get bored and are unwilling or unable to sit with that boredom
how can anything fresh can arise when we fill our heads with constant noise and distraction (internal or external)
that desire to stay busy can come from not wanting to hang out with dark, overwhelming thoughts - we want to feel better - who wouldn't want to do that?
those little hits we get from e.g. cake, our favourite show, alcohol, nicotine, exercise, give us a brief moment of respite but it never lasts (and we know that)
Juliet used to measure how she was doing by how she felt - thinking that she SHOULD be feeling good
there's something better than feeling better
there's something more reliable than feeling better
sitting on the bank of ourselves, we may touch on a space where we don't need to feel better
to be in a foul mood, to know you're in a foul mood and to know also that you're okay
whereas if we can't stand how we feel, we often go into overdrive and vomit over others and feel self-righteous doing so
when we let go of the urgent desire to feel better, ironically things don't matter so much and things move through more easily
if all you've got is 'how you feel' then you're going to gives those feelings a lot of weight and meaning (about you, others, and the world)
it makes sense you're going to employ all kinds of strategies to feel better
when you realise there's something beyond how you feel, your moods don't matter so much
you can feel more intensely, more wholeheartedly but not suffer so much
we started this podcast because it feels there's so much superficiality, fakeness, spiritual bypassing and we wanted to bring something more real to people
when Carla was a fundamentalist Christian she was searching for that happy place where she would get enlightened and never feel bad again
enlightenment is not about never feeling sad again or facing loss or pain
a deeper part of ourselves knows this to be true
the search itself can lead to so much suffering, taking us away from our own wisdom, our own 'soft animal body' as Mary Oliver says
if we don't pay attention to all the meaning we make out of our feelings and moods, they get less sticky
a headache could just be a headache, not personal, not imbued with meaning, just a headache
we get to respond to the pain with common sense rather than piling on lots of meaning and adding huge amounts of suffering
we still get caught up in the big fat juicy stories but we wake up quicker
with physical pain, for example, we can reach for a story because we want to feel better by making something justified, or, more often than not, we reach for the dramatic stories that have us as the villain
when we get wise to our stories, see them for what they are, we find we can be less attached to them
it only makes sense to try and control what we think and feel and worse try to control what others think and feel when we don't realise there is a deeper dimension that is always there
Life is always living us, the only thing that takes us away from a felt sense of that, is getting caught up in our stories
the more we notice and appreciate that deeper sense of life pulsing through us, the more we get eyes for it, the more present it becomes to us
that deeper sense is like a buoyancy aid through the turbulence
belonging to a group whether that's a family, religious, work or other community is often conditional on conforming to rules and beliefs
Carla talks about her time in a fundamentalist Christian Church that threatened to excommunicate her because she was sleeping with her boyfriend
In terms of evolution, it is important that the tribe has certain rules and understandings so you can live peaceably together
Carla felt more spiritually connected when she left the Church and got more connected up with Nature and herself
wanting to belong can be like a craving
groups often form around shared concepts and beliefs
organising around shared values can be helpful
when we have an experience of feeling connected in a deeper way, nature can reflect that
when we feel a sense of expansiveness, compassion and love, what we interact with, reflects that even if it is loss or sadness
sometimes our need to belong can over-ride our common sense concerns about what might be going on in a group
the concept of connectedness is very different from the heartfelt knowing of that connectedness
as we get a sense of that connectedness at a heart level, perhaps we get more discerning as we realise a sense of belonging doesn't come from anything external but from deep within
being able to discern when we are trying to fulfill needs from the wrong source is a wonderful thing as it leads to a less frantic relationship with all the diversions and distractions on offer
that craving to belong can lead us to go along with toxic practices that are not good for us or for society in general
we are not trying to convince people of this deeper dimension, you have to realise it for yourself
we, Carla and Juliet, are in the business of pointing people back home
people are waking up more and more
the more people go through life open-hearted, willing to engage more wholeheartedly with their own emotions and other people's emotions, the more we begin to see the person just like you, in front of you, with the same hopes and fears
there is no doubt that people are suffering at many levels, often directly from man-made causes and urgent practical help is needed. If we can help, do so.
at a deeper level, real sustainable change lies in a change of heart, one person at a time
when we are waking up, there can be a lot of discomfort or a place of wobbliness because we're not yet grounded
to integrate new insights, there is a need to stay with the wobbliness and not turn away
even if we do turn away, avoid or fight it, there will be more opportunities
there is such gratitude available as we reflect on what going deeper brings: more compassion, open-heartedness, clarity, and wisdom
there is more available for us as we go deeper inwards
Quotes and References
Wild Geese a poem, by Mary Oliver
Thank you for listening. What are you seeing around belonging? We'd love to hear your questions or feedback so drop us a line. We'd love this podcast to reach a wider audience, so please like and share it. It all helps and we appreciate it.