In this episode, we explore what happens when your boat sinks (life doesn't go to plan). Carla's actual boat sank and she talks about what she saw as that experience unfolded. We meandered and pretty soon found ourselves looking at impermanence: how we know deep down, the fact that: everything changes, yet we try to live as if it doesn't. We try to control our lives, circumstances, other people, and our feelings. So if we know we cannot ultimately control life, what gets in the way of just dropping that need to control?
Here’s what we explored:-
Carla tells the story of her little, much-loved boat, called Freida, which recently sank and has to be scrapped
she reflects on the emotions she felt as the experience unfolded
she noticed how others' calmness and kindness really helped her nervous system relax little by little
she tells how she remembered the story of the Chinese Farmer who meets the twists and turns of life with, 'maybe, maybe not', even though his neighbors rush to exclaim on how wonderful, or how terrible, each event must be.
she recognizes that the Freida was very old, not in the best condition, and appreciates how she's learned a great deal over this time
lots of lessons: about maybe, maybe not, non-attachment, impermanence, understanding privilege, kindness of others, navigating the nervous system, seeing resourcefulness and resilience
Freida is gone, she can't be revived
'we'll see', has been Juliet's catchphrase of the pandemic
the capacity for drama is always available for us humans, we can make a drama out of anything, but maybe our appetite for drama varies
there is drama we imagine, we read about, drama happening elsewhere, then drama right in front of us that looks more substantial
as Carla experienced this episode, there was a real movement of emotions, maybe helped by the lack of judgment
how we remember things is constantly changing: memory is not fixed. That's a wonderful thing and gets Juliet curious
Carla recounts how she sees her parents in a totally different light these days
she understands where her mother was coming from now and wishes she could have had more grace with her when she was young
our memories are not accurate: they are our perception of what happened
Carla gives an example of 'remembering' naming their dog, Banana when she was three years old
in her fifties, she discovered, in fact, her sister named the dog Banana, not her!
discovering that our perception of the world is not accurate, can unravel us a little. what else might not be true?
the story of our lives is made up of highlights and lowlights and these are highly selective!
there's no objective truth of life, nothing you could map, as with the course of a ship
if that's true of our own lives, how on earth do we think we could really know any other person's life?
how do those stories capture the heart and essence of another person, or ourselves?
our memories are impermanent, as is everything in life
Carla gives an example of one of her clients who worries about his young children barging into work calls
the pressure to present a perfect image causes suffering (looks like its fed from social media)
to model being human, being vulnerable and real, is a very powerful form of leadership
what if an interruption is, in fact, a gift?
at a deep level, we know we can't control everything, can we just drop the controlling?
Carla sees people do believe they can control their lives, thinking, if they have eg enough money, the right relationship, the right address then they will feel secure and successful
the recent severe storms created devastation in affluent neighborhoods of the US. A stark reminder that we have far less control than we think we do
the more we can drop the illusion of control, the more ease we can find
Carla noticed she was able to go with the unfolding of the boat saga (mostly), even finding herself laughing at times
showing up more authentically and vulnerably is a gift to those around us
it is toxic (and exhausting) to always be pretending. It is damaging and a burden. Can we drop it?
we know we're not going to live forever, you might want your home to be your forever home but we know we cannot guarantee that, we know our work or businesses thriving is not something we can guarantee
in the final analysis we will lose everything: either through death or something else
even though we know that, we live as if this wasn't the case
what do we get out of living that way?
it takes up a lot of mental energy, is it partly just habit?
if you correlate working hard and stress as a sign you are doing the 'right' thing, then trying to control could feel 'good' or at least comfortable
what would be left, if we weren't trying to control everything?
the primitive part of the brain wants to keep us safe even though safety is an illusion
Carla talks about the birds who live in the present moment, without thought about the past or future
they don't make stories about themselves, life, or time
what gets in the way of living more in the present moment?
we don't see or trust our own resilience
we don't trust the natural order (God, higher intelligence, Life Force)
primitive fear of being kicked out of the tribe
we submit to perceived expectations that look as if they are important for our security
being at the mercy of those expectations can create a great deal of pressure
we can spend a great deal of mental energy, wondering whether we're doing the right thing or having the right inner experience especially in comparison with our peers, people we admire or our competitors
do we have to have our experiences validated by others all the time?
what if we plow our own furrow?
can you notice the times in your lives when you've acted on a nudge or instinct, a quiet knowing without needing others' approval?
what takes us away from listening to, appreciating, and honoring those quiet knowings?
we get distracted by our own busy thinking or the business out in the world
can you notice how one state feels quiet and calm; the other urgent and racy. Is urgent and racy a signal to wake up to the fact we're caught up?
when we struggle to follow our own path because we fear shame and judgment (our own and others), we exist with a lot of mental burden which is exhausting
it can take courage to march to your own rhythm
the world needs people to show up and follow their own instincts
an invitation for our listeners to observe and get curious if you could drop the conflict, what would happen if you did?
would there be more ease and flow?
keep sitting on the bank of ourselves and let go, again and again
to be in the presence of people who are utterly themselves is an invitation to others to settle and find that in themselves.
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