Episode 39: Helping Others and Why It's Tricky
In this episode, we explore what's going on when we want to help others or when others want to help us. Sometimes, well-intentioned advice can feel irritating or disempowering. In turn, we may find ourselves trying to fix other people's problems. When we look deeper at what's going on, do we need others to be okay so we can feel okay?
Here’s what we explored:
when we listen for our own wisdom around problems, we get helpful fresh ideas that may include asking someone for help
if we identify help we need and then ask, that feels different from having others telling us what to do when we haven't asked
ask how you can help. Don't make assumptions about what someone wants and needs
we want our own capacity for returning to well-being to be recognized when people offer help
we also assume people can't handle feeling distress
we can become frightened by others' distress
often, without awareness, the reason we want others to feel better is that we need them to feel better so we can feel better
when we catch sight of this, we realize it is all about us!
do we really see, we are okay at a deeper essential level (and so is everyone else)?
Carla talks about when she had her breakdown-breakthrough, how her wisdom told her to let herself completely unravel, and then when everything was stripped back she felt her deeper essence
what people crave is a grounded presence
when our sense of ourselves gets interrupted, we may attempt to patch ourselves up and try to carry on as before
there is a terror of falling apart
being present with ourselves is an extraordinary gift
when we speak to someone as if they are whole, not broken, without judgment, we invite the other to find that place in themselves
'Why' questions don't usually give a satisfying answer - 'why am I feeling this way?'
as we deeply realize we are more than our feelings, we get to take how we feel less seriously
there is an intelligence in our inner experience (all of it), you begin to get eyes for the wisdom of the moment - it's alive
the difference between feeling our emotions and collapsing into our emotions
if we don't reflect on why we want to help and ask others what help they want (if they know), then we're not really being helpful
often we grab hold of the story because it's a diversion, something to do.
it looks like it's empathetic but it moves the focus away from the present
the point of lightening up is, not only do we feel better, we are more resourced to hear and act on our wisdom
often, our head is disconnected from our hearts
as we get more sense of a deeper dimension we get kinder towards our psychological experience
we don't take how we feel so personally
when are low, we are usually living in the past and when we are feeling anxious often we are living in the future
coming back into the present can help us find equilibrium
as we wake up to the wild ways our dramatic brains go on, we get to take it less seriously
if you catch yourself trying to fix others, it's a good place to sit and reflect on how much you can get present with your own distress
we're human, we fall into our old tracks of thought but as we catch sight more and more of what's going on, there's a softening
we begin to see our ridiculousness with love and humor rather than judgment
being okay with whatever our experience is means we get to be okay with others, whatever experience they are having
the space of not knowing is fertile ground and we begin to get curious rather than fearful when we don't know
come alongside others in support but without making demands
don't underestimate the power of warmth and connection and being fully present with someone in distress
Quotes and References
webinar: Mavis Karn and Grace Kelly, Essential Selfishness
René Descartes, "I think therefore I am"
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Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.
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Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life.
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