In this episode, we explore how sometimes our reactivity, e.g. irritability, pettiness, and frustration can be disguising a deeper emotion. Carla tells the story of how grief about her mother showed up recently but she didn't recognize it at first because it's not usual for her to feel this and initially she felt petty, dramatic, and reactive. Can we get eyes for and accept what's showing up internally?

Here’s what we explored:

• check out what stories you're running about the experience you're having

• in the midst of reactivity, if we can see we are riled up, space can open up a little

• get eyes for helpful nudges showing up when we're reactive e.g. the idea to run an errand, run a bath

• irritability, anger, and pettiness can often be unrecognized fear or grief

• righteous anger can be a powerful force for change

• there is primitive brain, red hot, reactive anger which is often connected to past fear

• discerning the difference is helpful

• anger can be used to protect ourselves. Getting angry with someone makes it easier to say break up

• can we set boundaries without the petty meanness?

• getting underneath the initial flash of emotion to understand something deeper

• do we have to make someone wrong in order to validate our needs and wants?

• being riled up is all our own work (an inside job)

• our defensiveness can cloud our judgment

• when a client needed to take an employee to task over performance he felt angst and guilt which came out as irritation and anger

• once he recognized what was going on, he could see more clearly that they needed to have a conversation about agreements

• when we're caught in reactivity, it can be confusing for others as we often don't know what we want

• how often do we honor agreements with ourselves?

• how often do we not protect our peace of mind?

• how often do we allow our stories to run away with us, and create suffering?

• often what we throw out to others is a mirror of how we are treating ourselves

• if we are giving ourselves a hard time, there's a good chance we'll give others a hard time

• when someone shows up really reactive, could we wonder what might be up for them, particularly if it's not typical behavior?

• if it occurs to us to 'sit on the bank of ourselves', drop our stories (as best we can), then something else can show up

• if not, then leaving our thinking alone as best we can, helps things to move on through

• when we're very reactive, we can innocently give that more oxygen and keep it going more and more

• we don't have to be at 100% to show up or to live our lives; there's something so much greater than our small sense of self

• when you've lost something in the pond and you go wading in and stirring up the waters trying to find it, the water gets really cloudy whereas if you 'sit on the bank', the water will settle, and then it gets easier to look for the lost item.

• pay attention to the little nudges that might be telling you to do something, not on your to-do list but might be really helpful

• the narratives we have about internal and external states, is often what causes suffering, not the event or feeling state itself

• seeing the stories is often enough for them to lose their fascination

• if you have trouble sleeping, notice it's the stories you create about not sleeping which cause much of the suffering, rather than the actual lack of sleep

• learning to say, 'can I get back to you?', can give us time to land in more clarity, rather than responding from reactivity

• 'I'm an ordinary person having a beautiful life' - a thought that came in for Juliet with so much peace and relaxation

• when you notice your system is ramped up, step back if you can, and get curious about what's underneath

Thank you for listening, we hope you've heard something helpful. And we'd love to hear from you. Get in touch via the comments and tell us what lands for you. Go ahead and share the podcast wherever you are online.