A Beautiful Dead Lady

“Good manners without sincerity are like a beautiful dead lady. Straightforwardness without civility is like a surgeons knife, effective but unpleasant. Candor with courtesy is helpful and admirable.” Sri Yukteswar

These words made a deep impression, and the image of the beautiful dead lady stays with me.

I grew up in the south and not wanting to make waves. To this day, I find it difficult, at times, to be direct. After all, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings! Perhaps the deeper truth is that I’m afraid of being rejected.

I find that I employ good manners lacking in sincerity more often than I care to admit–which is why the image of the beautiful dead lady hit home. It gives me pause for thought and a desire to examine my habitual southern, good-girl ways.

There is something gravely lacking in good manners without sincerity, and frankly, it doesn’t feel good to me at all. I imagine that it doesn’t feel good to the other either–at least at some level.

Inauthenticity is selfish, or so it seems to me. Yet, candor with courtesy can be a challenging balance to strike. It takes courage and love. Candor with courtesy can sting a bit at times but it certainly feels better to me than inauthentic good manners.

I’m going to keep the image of the beautiful dead lady in my mind as I interact with others. It will be my reminder to always strive for candor with courtesy.

What is your experience with being direct and with manners?

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Tagged as: authenticity, Courage, love

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=683353008 Debra Elizabeth Archibald
I’m not sure if I am on the correct track here, but here-goes:
Unfortunately, one of my challenges in life is that I am pretty straight forward!
I may not always come across as I mean to - although I try my utmost to treat everyone with courtesy and respect. (Thank heaven’s for those that know me) However, there are times, when I know that I have been brutally blunt – and have caused hurt in the process. Sometimes, engage mouth before brain and just ‘speak’.
Once I realise this, (or maybe I don’t realise it and someone else has to point it out to me) I am never to proud to say I am sorry!
Unfortunately, once the ‘word’ is spoken, it is difficult to retract. Hence in thinking before we speak – there is so much power in what we say!
I love your analogy of the ‘beautiful dead lady’ and I will always think of you when I hear these words
Anonymous
Debra, it sounds like I tend to err on the side of the beautiful dead lady and you err on the side of the surgeon’s knife. Looks like we both have some work to do and that we are both willing. :)
http://www.dailyorganizedchaos.com Bibi
I used to have problems with speaking my mind and being straight forward….many people whom I considered friends took advantage of me due to “being to polite”.
After my oldest son started school and was getting into constant trouble for “not fitting into a box” and for being very intelligent and his own person I learned how to speak up for him and myself…..later when he was discriminating against due to becoming Type 1 diabetic by his coaches and president of our minor hockey I learned how to be louder and being polite was not an option anymore.
I guess you can say that becoming mother I also became straight shooter, but I did have to learn (after getting into some hot waters) to control my emotions and think before speaking.
http://www.neebeep.com/itsownsweetwillneebeepc/ Lisa Taylor
I’m straightforward – but at the same time, try to be polite & kind. This can indeed be difficult!
http://NorthOnHarper.com Alexis Grace
Having also grown up in the South (but not being Southern), I feel like the good manners without sincerity is common place. I wonder what would happen if everyone became a little more genuine….
http://NorthOnHarper.com Alexis Grace
Having also grown up in the South (but not being Southern), I feel like the good manners without sincerity is common place. I wonder what would happen if everyone became a little more genuine….
http://NorthOnHarper.com Alexis Grace
Having also grown up in the South (but not being Southern), I feel like the good manners without sincerity is common place. I wonder what would happen if everyone became a little more genuine….
Anonymous
I wonder, too, Alexis. It would probably be a real sense of relief. good manners without sincerity is such a burden.
Anonymous
Tiger mama!
Trianna
I try to be polite and kind. I am the type of person who will let you know exactly how I feel about you, but I won’t be mean about it. It’s a fine line, but I would rather be true to my feelings than give a fake smile.
Leslie Green
Oh, I look forward to the day when we meet in person, Carla! This southern girl is quite polite, too! Manners are extremely important to me. But I’m also quite direct (if there’s a purpose in it – otherwise, I’m very content to remain silent).
To be honest, this is a topic that I could write chapters on: the balance of manners, politeness, candor, directness, being a woman, remaining authentic, etc. It’s almost as if those who have the unique skill to balance all of the above (and more) are VERY, very gifted individuals, to say the least.
We all do the best with what we have (Maya Angelou??), and I suspect you and I fall into that category as well.
Love, Leslie
Anonymous
I look forward to meeting you one day, too, Leslie1!

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