From time to time, I’m concerned that I don’t give an accurate account of who I am in these blog posts. I suppose it’s easier to write about the ways in which I have overcome, triumphed, and expanded than it is to write about my shortcomings and struggles. There is a part of me that wants others to think highly of me and is afraid if they don’t. The truest part, however, desires to simply be me, warts and all.
One need only talk to my partner to hear how petty, controlling, and even mean I can be. Or talk to my closest friends to find out how selfish I can be. There are many moments, hours, and days that I can’t or don’t pull out of an irritable, angry, or sad mood. In fact, there were years at a time, when I couldn’t pull out of depression, anxiety, and addictions. The worst of those years are long past, culminating in a breakdown-breakthrough over a decade ago. It hasn’t been an easy path, or a pretty one. In fact, it has been downright messy at times, messier than necessary if I had only been honest about it all.
As a good southern Christian girl, I was terrified to show my true struggles and failings. As a child of divorce and an alcoholic mother, I was equally as terrified to show my true emotions. So, I didn’t. I learned to hide long before I even knew I was southern or became a Christian. Moving away from the south and Christianity did little to end the pattern. It’s only been in recent years that I have come to finally and deeply understand the cost of hiding. It requires a tremendous amount of energy, taking a heavy toll. It is an illusion to think that hiding protects others or me.
I made a commitment a few years ago to stop hiding. I cannot begin to describe the relief I have felt since. Anxiety has all but disappeared from my life. Don’t get me wrong, there are ways in which I still hide because the commitment and intention are more of an unfolding than a once and for all happening. There are ways in which I still hide from myself, there is emotional content that feels too confusing to put out there, and I still have that little girl fear of being seen, but I don’t lie anymore. I’m done with that—way too costly. So, while the not-hiding is still unfolding, I am intentionally moving into more openness.
I am at the most stable and grounded place I’ve ever been but it hasn’t been easy and it hasn’t been pretty. Most of all, it is still unfolding.
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