I am agitated this morning. I didn’t sleep well. I awoke in the middle of the night worried about Daddy. Is he getting the care that he needs? I think he is too weak to be alone, but I can’t be there all day, everyday; neither can my sister. He is just stubborn enough that he won’t ask for help. He still makes his own decisions, after all.
If he can make it through this chemo, and it looks like he has a good shot at it, then he should recover much of his strength and well being, at least for a time. Meanwhile, he has a few rough weeks ahead of him and I’m not sure he is strong enough to be alone during that time. What can I do? How do I show up when I’m available, give what I can, and then let go of the rest?
I suppose Eckhart Tolle and Pema Chodron would say to simply be in the moment. Deal with this moment. If there is an issue in this moment then I deal with it, without worrying about what has already happened and without worrying about what may happen. Simple advice—difficult to put into practice when someone’s life seems to be hanging in the balance.
Is that over-stated? Am I over-reacting? Being dramatic? Perhaps this is the way a daughter copes with a dying daddy. Nevertheless, worry, anxiety, and fear are not the energies I want to put out into Daddy’s field of being. I want to extend trust, love, compassion, and strength.
How? By journaling, meditating, praying. By becoming conscious of the fear. By breathing into it and allowing it to release. By taking responsibility for my own actions and no one else’s. By trusting that Daddy has his own path to travel in all this.
Taking a deep breath now…
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