I could’ve kept sleeping this morning. I’m so tired. My body aches. It was difficult going to sleep…again. I don’t know how to ascend this weariness. Sometimes I get frightened about being tired. I get frightened because I have had issues of chronic pain for years, though I am much better. Sleep is a fundamental way of caring for my body. When I don’t get enough of it I become scared that my body with flare in pain and not release for a long time, as has happened in the past. So I get irritable and angry with whomever or whatever interferes with my sleep.
I’m beginning to realize that I have an attachment to this which leads to me becoming controlling. If anything interferes with my sleep then of course I am tired; but because of my attachment and then control, I make the situation worse by becoming angry and carrying that anger with me into the day. So now I’m dealing with lack of sleep and anger and agitation. I’ve made my problem worse and I suffer more.
Listen, tiredness is not going to kill me. And my body is so much better than it was even a year ago. It no longer flares for weeks and months at a time. The truth is that I can relax my controlling grip on this sleep fixation. I can wake up tired and be Ok during the day. I can even ache a bit and really be fine. I don’t have to add all the agitation on top of the discomfort. I can just let it be. That would be Ok.
Attachment and control cause more suffering. I can’t always sleep well or enough but I can be intentional about dropping the attachment and control around the sleep. I can allow the discomfort and tiredness without railing against them or another. As I relax into the discomfort I will be able to manage it with a little more ease and grace. Energy will be freed up to move through my day more easily. My body will be wound less tightly by the end of the day, and sleep just may come a tad more easily.
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