Come Out, Come Out

It’s me again as your post today struck a chord with a younger me. In my late 40s I had a heavy schedule, all self inflicted to prove I was an OK competent, caring person. I had a full time job in Adult Psychiatry, a voluntary counsellor with an Aids charity and I started a TA psychotherapy course. By the time I was 50 my batteries were low and I had to take 3 months off due to a hypermanic episode. I’d never had anything like that before, nor since, and I did learn a lot about me, principally that I was good enough as I was, not everyone would love me, nor agree with me and that was all right.

The next 10 years brought about many changes – if you like, I did step into my power as a feminine woman. Letting go of past crap was a big thing and now, looking at 70, I feel content. I love my garden and the creatures who visit, books, music and the company of good friends. They are enough.

For me, hiding and powerfulness are not necessarily in opposition to each other.
I feel as though, at 73, I am now fully in my power. But I do need to hide, nonetheless. And that, for me, is just fine. As an ‘HSP’ (a ‘highly sensitive person’) and an introvert, I need to hide from too much noise and chatter, from empty socializing, from much of the clamor and mindlessness of the mainstream culture and the demands of needy people. I don’t always answer the phone – sometimes it’s great to hide behind voicemail.
My quiet, peaceful, TV-free home is my refuge. From there, I look out at the world with wide, interested eyes (just like that kitty!)and decide what I want to engage with and what I don’t. Like a turtle, I choose when to stay in and when to come out. This feels very powerful for me – the ability to choose without ever feeling ashamed of my choices.

In first grade I became teacher’s pet and made sure I always answered correctly and acted politely. It was a very small school so my position moved with me to each grade. I was the competent and confident one, this persona hid a very painful shyness so that friends I could not be openly friendly toward thought I was snobbish. However, the persona worked so well that I continued using it throughout life.

At 72 it is a part of who I am but in the last several years I have found that the shy person who was afraid of being discovered as not so brilliant, not so competent, stopped worrying about it and began to admit mistakes [previously I covered them up], began to admit truer feelings. Finally I actually have come to feel the confidence that others thought I had before. The stomach flutters when I knew I would have to speak are gone. Still I stay awake thinking of what I could have said better, I suppose that prepares me for the next time I have to extemporize. But now if I sounded a little unprepared or dumb or downright wrong, I know it will be okay because I don’t have to please all those people anymore even though I wish I could please all of them and never make a mistake. Thanks for raising the topic and for your always wonderful photographs.

Yes, this post resonates with me as well. I too have been in hiding all my life. Sometimes because I couldn’t trust those around me and other times because I was,like Marion, very sensitive and an artist/poet with a very deep and serious center. So to counter that I have lived as the cheerful yet daft one – always safe – but oh so shallow unless you managed to draw me out and then I pushed you away with my intense enthusiasm. And was then labeled smartypants.

Balance? Where is balance? I’m 54 soon and I have apparently burned bridges with old friends and am alienating others by wanting to let go of the old masks. So – I think the next few years will be an interesting challenge! Birth or rebirth are never painless are they…. and why is it selfishly arrogant to need authenticity?

Often I say nothing instead of telling how I really feel so this was a great post and the comments were inspiring as well.

Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com