I’ve spent a good portion of my life hiding. The hiding has taken many forms. I have hidden behind façades, mostly to keep from being seen. I’ve hidden behind pain, maybe to keep from stepping fully into responsibility. I’ve hidden behind beliefs, keeping me from having to think critically. I’ve hidden behind lies, mostly to keep from disappointing others. I’ve hidden behind smallness, primarily because I’m afraid of my own power.
This hiding has cost me a great deal and it has negatively impacted others. It has taken a toll, and it does not serve me or anyone else. In so many ways I have stepped out of hiding in recent years. What a relief! I feel like a great burden has been lifted. Some don’t like or understand what they see but most seem to appreciate the 
authenticity. I still have difficulty stepping fully into my power, and I know it will take a lot of intentional work to do so. I’ll be 50 this year and I am dedicating the next decade to stepping fully into my power and, from that place, being of more service to the world.
I would love to hear from some of you about how this is for you. In what ways are you hiding and in what ways have you stepped more fully into your power?
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s me again as your post today struck a chord with a younger me. In my late 40s I had a heavy schedule, all self inflicted to prove I was an OK competent, caring person. I had a full time job in Adult Psychiatry, a voluntary counsellor with an Aids charity and I started a TA psychotherapy course. By the time I was 50 my batteries were low and I had to take 3 months off due to a hypermanic episode. I’d never had anything like that before, nor since, and I did learn a lot about me, principally that I was good enough as I was, not everyone would love me, nor agree with me and that was all right.
The next 10 years brought about many changes – if you like, I did step into my power as a feminine woman. Letting go of past crap was a big thing and now, looking at 70, I feel content. I love my garden and the creatures who visit, books, music and the company of good friends. They are enough.
Your words captured my feelings exactly Carla. Thank you so much for that affirmation. As a 49 year old myself, I have really reached a new plateau in my life. I have discovered a new life, new love, and have just begun to experience a little bit of my potential personal power. But how do I wrestle with those fear demons and fight them back so that I can move forward with confidence? I guess baby steps are the way to go so each day I will make a goal to take one baby step at a time. Thanks again Carla!
For me, hiding and powerfulness are not necessarily in opposition to each other.
I feel as though, at 73, I am now fully in my power. But I do need to hide, nonetheless. And that, for me, is just fine. As an ‘HSP’ (a ‘highly sensitive person’) and an introvert, I need to hide from too much noise and chatter, from empty socializing, from much of the clamor and mindlessness of the mainstream culture and the demands of needy people. I don’t always answer the phone – sometimes it’s great to hide behind voicemail.
My quiet, peaceful, TV-free home is my refuge. From there, I look out at the world with wide, interested eyes (just like that kitty!)and decide what I want to engage with and what I don’t. Like a turtle, I choose when to stay in and when to come out. This feels very powerful for me – the ability to choose without ever feeling ashamed of my choices.
Such courage Carla.
I love reading the comments by the 70+ year old women. I just turned 50 on the last day of last year and I found it traumatic at first i didn’t even want to celebrate. It felt the popular culture didn’t understand what this meant. As I ease into it and work on the committment I made to me when I turned 50 “not to manage anyone’s feelings but my own” I am loving life at 50 and I look forward to celebrating 100.
In first grade I became teacher’s pet and made sure I always answered correctly and acted politely. It was a very small school so my position moved with me to each grade. I was the competent and confident one, this persona hid a very painful shyness so that friends I could not be openly friendly toward thought I was snobbish. However, the persona worked so well that I continued using it throughout life.
At 72 it is a part of who I am but in the last several years I have found that the shy person who was afraid of being discovered as not so brilliant, not so competent, stopped worrying about it and began to admit mistakes [previously I covered them up], began to admit truer feelings. Finally I actually have come to feel the confidence that others thought I had before. The stomach flutters when I knew I would have to speak are gone. Still I stay awake thinking of what I could have said better, I suppose that prepares me for the next time I have to extemporize. But now if I sounded a little unprepared or dumb or downright wrong, I know it will be okay because I don’t have to please all those people anymore even though I wish I could please all of them and never make a mistake. Thanks for raising the topic and for your always wonderful photographs.
how do you get your copyright to appear on the photo like that?
Yes, this post resonates with me as well. I too have been in hiding all my life. Sometimes because I couldn’t trust those around me and other times because I was,like Marion, very sensitive and an artist/poet with a very deep and serious center. So to counter that I have lived as the cheerful yet daft one – always safe – but oh so shallow unless you managed to draw me out and then I pushed you away with my intense enthusiasm. And was then labeled smartypants.
Balance? Where is balance? I’m 54 soon and I have apparently burned bridges with old friends and am alienating others by wanting to let go of the old masks. So – I think the next few years will be an interesting challenge! Birth or rebirth are never painless are they…. and why is it selfishly arrogant to need authenticity?
such a liberating post! and it is a wonderful feeling to realize that other women have had trouble owning this quiet, reclusive center that is so important to, apparently, so many of us. thank you, carla, for opening up this discussion, this sharing.
Often I say nothing instead of telling how I really feel so this was a great post and the comments were inspiring as well.
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
This is one juicy synchronicity Carla. I turned 50 this year and started a photoblog, apart from my regular one for the healing work. I really like what you’ve done around here and will spend more time.
Mine is a return to photography as purely what it is. When I was into it I was hiding in so many ways. When I came out of hiding I stopped and only documented my son. Now it feels like a good time to reengage.
Currently I’m exploring earth care on the blog through a lot of B&W and some color tree photos:
http://pamirsphotos.tumblr.com
Thank you all for the wonderful conversation. Marian, I really resonate with what you say. I, too, am an introvert and sensitive type. It’s important for me to give myself plenty of room and time for that. I like your turtle image.
Pamir thanks for sharing a link to your photoblog. You have some marvelous images!
Thank you all!
George, I put the copyright on my images through Picasa. Very easy and automatic with a simple check mark.
I look forward to hearing from you all again!
Hi Carla:
Loved your post and all the comments. I have discovered that my power is not in relationship to others and what I do – I mistook achievement, accumulation, and social influence as power for many years – but a very internal, personal state of being. Meditation has helped me maintain and grow my personal power to experience my life as empowered by conscious choices throughout my day. Quite often now I choose to be solitary. The process of reclaiming my power has involved withdrawing from all other distractions and I know I appear to many to be hiding.
I am still a bit confused by this notion of hiding/being and serving/radiating in the world so thanks for more food for thought!