I’ve been thinking about my mother these last couple of days, since this week marks the 14th anniversary of her death. I have had an ache of deep grief from time to time these last couple of years because I realize that I never really saw my mother. I so desperately needed her to be Mother, that I could not allow her to simply be Freida–so I never really knew Freida. I struggled with her raw humanness and complexity. I had difficulty dealing with the paradoxes and inconsistencies. I wanted her to be perfectly Mother. Of course she was far more than Mother; She was daughter, sister, wife, and divorcee. She was woman, singer, cancer survivor, and cancer victim. She was leader, lover, business owner, and community worker. She was aficionado of art, food, clothes, and music. She was brave, creative, and intelligent. She was kind, giving, graceful, and fun. She was scared, depressed, and deeply sad.
I spent many years trying to “save” my mother, and that blinded me to her. I must have thought that if I could save her then she could save me. I’m the one who needed saving, after all. I don’t need saving anymore, and that makes me ache to sit across from her without that need. How freeing it would be for us both, I think. I’m experiencing that with my father now. We can sit with each other and I don’t need to be saved. The expectations are gone. We can just be with one another, and it’s really sweet. I guess it just takes some of us half a century to figure this sort of thing out. I’m glad I have because it makes a difference in all my relationships. And I’m glad that mama knew how much I loved her. She never doubted that, and I never doubted that she loved me. That is a gift.
And just so you know, kind friends, these thoughts, memories, insights, and grief do not feel heavy or burdensome to me; rather they feel deep, rich, and meaningful. I’m thankful for it all. And thank you for letting me take a couple of days to honor mama’s memory.
