My mama died 14 years ago, today. I miss her. So much has happened in my life, and in the world, these past 14 years. I wish I could sit with her for a few hours and talk about all that’s happening; better yet, I’d like to just sit quietly with my head in her lap while she strokes my forehead, as she often did.
When she was dying, I clung to the hope of the rainbow–the promise that the sun would shine once more. It didn’t shine much during those first 4 or 5 years. In fact, her death rocked my world. It is partly why I acted and felt kind of crazy during that time. I felt as though all the props had been knocked out from under me. I lost my mama, my marriage, my faith, and my identity in those 5 years. I’ve spent this last decade going through a kind of reconfiguration as a result of all that. It has been painful, tumultuous, exciting, frightening, and amazing.
I could not have imagined the person I was to become–rather, who I am becoming. I did not know then that such change was possible. And this has taken place, in part, as a result of mama’s death. That is the gift. That is the promise of the rainbow. Death is inevitable; there is a rich beauty there–and life always returns.
In honor and loving memory of my mama, Freida Royal.
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